To feel so let down my mum

[chillichop]

My mum is in her early sixties. 10 years ago we lost my dad suddenly and it understandably hit her very hard and since then she’s suffered with MH issues and alcoholism which has been very hard for all of us. She won’t accept any help and lives a very small life.

She doesn’t offer any help at all with my dc despite living only 10 minutes up the road which to be honest at this stage I wouldn’t accept anyway as I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving the dc with her. However I’m struggling. In 4 years my dh and I haven’t had a night off together. I’m drowning in housework and I’m so tired.

She comes round to our house and passes comment on the mess, the half finished DIY projects and the fact the garden needs attending. Seemingly with no understanding that between work and caring for a toddler and two primary age dc who have lots of clubs and social things, I just have no time.

Im not someone who expects help or feels entitled to it. I understand that she has struggled and as I said I wouldn’t particularly want to leave my dc with her anyway. But it really hurts that she can stand by and watch me struggle. Today is one of those days where I’ve just woken up feeling overwhelmed with everything and it’s just shit not to have support or a break of any kind. Worse still when she makes these judgemental comments or complains about how the dc and I don’t make enough effort to see her (we do but it’s difficult to find the time with everything else going on and having to time going to see her around a time where she won’t have been drinking).

I know people will say she owes me nothing and I agree. I just can’t ever imagine standing by and watch my dc struggle if I could help. She has her own problems but has never entertained the idea of addressing them.

you have the answer - she needs a lot more help
with her mental health before she can help others

if she won’t seek that out you just have to struggle on like every one else

If she only comes to see you and your children to criticise everything, just stop inviting her.

It doesn't sound as though anyone gets anything positive from her visits so put a stop to them.

Does she admit that she has a drinking problem or is this just the elephant in the room that is never mentioned?

Have you ever asked for help?

I have spoken to her about the drinking many times so have her friends and other family members and I think deep down she knows she has a problem but she won’t stop, it’s been going on too long.

I can completely understand why you are disappointed OP. It’s sad enough she doesn’t offer to help, but to then criticise you is very hurtful. When she criticises you, can you turn that into a request for help? She’ll either help or she’ll quickly realise she needs to stop mentioning it! Eg if she says “why are there clothes everywhere?” you say “I know, it’s annoying me too, I’d be so grateful if you could please fold the clean laundry while I make the kids’ dinner?” or if she says “why is the garden a mess?” say “I know, it would mean so much to us to have it tidied up, you are a great gardener, would you like to grab the shears and do some pruning while I drive the DC to sports practice?”

As for not seeing enough of you, you could ask her to fit in with your plans, eg “Why don’t you come and watch DC’s football practice / ballet lesson?” or whatever.

Siblings, parents, elderly aunts can do this. Calling to see you, visiting for a chat but criticise because they feel that is ok to do so because you are family. First, stop giving audience to these chats that your Mum wants. Second, keep going out of the room to do housework or attend to children. Third, each time you see her pick a laundry basket before you see her. After a period she will not need to be told you are busy as you will be getting on with your work. She will have nobody to hear the criticism and you will not have to listen to it. She needs something to do with her time and cannot or will not face her alcohol problem.....she avoids it.....chatting/ visiting/ complaining to or about others. It is her responsibility to address the drink problem and you can support with others if needs be e.g. lifts to appointments etc. But you have enough to deal with at the moment. Wish u well.

Ultimately you chose to have three children and chose someone that I presume doesn't lift a finger. It's not your mum's fault you're struggling.

I wouldn't want an alcoholic with mental health problems to care for my children. Mental health problems can make you very self absorbed and addicts tend to be selfish but there's little you can do, she needs to get help herself.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

You did choose to have three children. Presumably you had some understanding of the work required to maintain them, along with a job and a home. It's nice to have help but not everyone does and it's not your mum's fault that you're overwhelmed. She obviously needs help herself. The impact of widowhood is soul crushing but so often treated as "just one of those things". Widows are expected to smile and soldier on when in fact many just wish they could curl up and die too. Your mum was young to be widowed and your dad's death was sudden. I'm not surprised she's in a mess.

You can't expect automatic help from a grandparent, she had no say in you having dc.

Have you actually told her to stop the endless criticism? If she won't, I would tell her not to bother coming round, tbh, it sounds very unhelpful of her.

I did say in my op that I don’t expect or feel entitled to help. I chose to have dc. However the way she is living her life is unhealthy and it does hurt that she would rather sit at home drinking than spend time with her grandchildren. I know that she needs help herself and believe me over the past 10 years I have tried repeatedly to encourage her to seek help - she point blank refuses.
I knew this post would attract comments like “she owes you nothing” and “it was your choice to have kids.” This isn’t about that. It’s just hurtful to have someone in your life who offers nothing but criticism and disappointment when they are ideally supposed to be a support network to you.

It’s just hurtful to have someone in your life who offers nothing but criticism and disappointment when they are ideally supposed to be a support network to you.

We all have an ideal of what a loving mother is and many have mothers who don't live up to that.

It sounds like your mum has a lot going on and simply isn't capable of giving you what you need. Of course it's upsetting but you'll be less upset if you lower your expectations and accept her for who she is.

It sounds like your mum has a lot going on and simply isn't capable of giving you what you need. Of course it's upsetting but you'll be less upset if you lower your expectations and accept her for who she is.

I'm afraid it comes down to this. I agree with all your reasons for feeling disappointment. She's a young grandmother who in an ideal world should have the energy to help and maybe could find some solace and purpose in grandchildren. But she doesn't

You say you've done a lot to help her - I'm sure you have - but you do now need to help yourself, which is by drawing boundaries around her commentary. If she wants to stay mentally ill and wallow she can, but she can do it in her own space and without passing judgement on you. And maybe that will give her the kickstart - seeing that she is not welcome if this is how she is going to be

I have a very similar situation with a family member and I’ve found the only thing to be done is just stop holding out hope that it will change. Once I did that, it’s still sad but easier to cope with.

Also be really direct - if you want help from her then ask for it (but it sounds like you don’t really, because sadly she can’t be trusted with your DC). Stop inviting her round if she just criticises, you can meet at hers or on neutral ground at a cafe or something.

Sorry you’re going through this, it is hard and I do find it difficult seeing other parents who have lots of family help/childcare but unfortunately we don’t all get to have that.

I think from what you post, you are dealing with grief in your own right too. Grief for the mother you wished you had, rather than the one you do. It is very hard.

For your mother, she is an addict from the sounds of it, as you know. The thing with alcohol addiction, is for the addict, it is undemanding, it provides solace, it numbs you to the shit in your life, and your knowledge of the ways you are hurting your loved ones, and dropping the ball. So yes, for her, she'd rather sit at home and drink, and wallow, rather than demand more of herself to help you and be there as Grandmum for your kids. But that makes her feel shit, so she drinks more to numb that. . .

It is hard when you have young ones, and busy lives, and no support. It does get easier, as they get older, but at the time it feels like this is eternally yours. I know babysitters cost the Earth, but could you manage one even very occasionally?

I think this is the best way forward op. The posters who are talking about your choice to have children etc are missing the point.

There are reasons for why your mum is who she is and has the struggles she has. It's a very tough thing to get to a place of acceptance of that and I really feel for you op because essentially you've lost two parents instead of one - she's been lost in her grief. As someone who's mother has struggled to be the parent I needed her to be, it took me years of on/off therapy to get to a place where I can accept it for what it is. Even now there are still times where it sneaks up and upsets me though. It is hard doing things alone when you know friends would have parents who would be there to support and comfort them and you could have that but don't. It's a different layer of grief you need to let yourself address.

All you can do is try to prioritise yourself now. If she criticises your home then you don't invite her to it and instead meet her out and about where you don't need to deal with that element. You need to sit down with your partner and look at tasks and responsibilities and make sure you are both doing a completely equal share. You need to look at local babysitting options to see if you can source someone for you both to have the odd night out together. If it's financially viable then maybe someone to do a little cleaning as well.

Where is your husband’s family?

Forget about the mess. Mess doesn’t matter; dirt does so as long as the place is clean, forget about the clutter. And ignore anything your mum says about the clutter.

Hire a babysitter and have a monthly or two weekly date night with your husband. It’s really not difficult to do that.