to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

You're absolutely being reasonable. If they don't want to accept your support for the 2 gc that's on them. There should be no entitlement to your savings. If they pull gc out of private school put cash in a trust for them and say no more about it. You are not being cruel the 'pot' does not sadly go that far. Ultimately it's their decision to accept gift or not not to demand more or fairness. Life isn't completely equal.

First it was hints and now the SIL has asked if his four children can also be paid for to go to the same school. It would work location wise but not financially for me.

@betnet
Please can you clarify if SGC have EVER been in private education and they have now had to leave due to their parents finances?

You can't afford it and didn't plan for it, I think that's fair.

What a cheek

Not OP, but I'll explain why OP leaving her money to DD rather than GC in this situation is a bad idea.

DD could die first, and if she leaves most of her estate to her spouse as many do, that means SIL is in control of which kids get anything and how much. He already thinks his DC are getting a raw deal, so there's a risk he decides to redress the balance.

If your argument is that OP ought to give her money to the DSC in equal shares to her own GC, she'd be best willing it directly. It's a bad argument anyway, especially as nobody seems to be extending the same principle to the older 4 DCs relatives, but at least going directly means it would definitely be achieved.

Shut it down with a sorry I can't afford more private school fees. Ride out entitlement with a grey rock. Talk to your dd. Unless youre truly tremendously wealthy it's a shame but you just are unable to commit to that level of gifting. You're sorry but it's best to shut that down rather than offer excuses they can argue with. They are the parents and ultimately will decide for their family but the same amount will not be forthcoming as a yearly gift for all instead. You are not 'cruel' providing for your gc school fees and it should not be an expectation and entitlement for all.

Jeeze my exh didn't and I work two jobs, luckily my sen child is out of private now but literally wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask this of paternal grandmother who gives to other family members. Shocking.

Forgot the whole step kids or not issue. I think the real issue here is the entitlement of your son in law! He sees you have money and thinks he should get a slice. He can't work out how he can get his grubby paws on it, so is using his 4 kids to spend your money. Yuck!

Why are you posting here, OP? You’re not genuinely asking if you’re BU as you’re very clear in your mind that you’re not. So what are you hoping for?

Funding education is completely different from giving spending money …

Not as far as I know.

As @InterIgnis so eloquently stated:

OP can take or discard whatever she wants from the thread. Like I said, posting in AIBU doesn’t mean she has to change her mind, or respond in a way that is to your liking.

and your daughter? What has she said?

It is really inappropriate for him to bypass her and come straight to the you IMO, it's really not his place to ask at all.

Why would you pay for his other 4 children to go to the same school when he had no intention of sending them there himself? Have you not questioned that??

What does your DD think? Is she ok? If SIL is this cheeky to you it's worrying how he might be towards your DD, i would save your money in case DD needs rescuing from him!

What on earth is the obsession over wills?

Leave money to your children and let them sort it out

DD didn't know he had asked and does not agree with him asking. She told me the SC have family members with money. I said he should ask on his side of the family. She agreed.

There is no obsession with wills.

Read @BeHere post about it is not always best left to children to sort it out. DD and GC are in the will not step GC.

DD has her head screwed on. But if it comes to it, yes I can help her.

Huge drip feed op.

Why did your dd and her husband choose to privately educate the children they share when they could not afford to send the husbands kid to private school in first place?

Ah thats ok then

Tbh if it's not what she wants then it' irrelevant what SIL thinks, id tell him to jog on

@betnet

In which case you have absolutely no obligation on the school fees.

Your DD and your SIL have decided to treat their DC unequally. That's on them.

A lot of variables.

I think it would be crappy to pay school fees for two children if a family when there were other children who lives in the household and didn’t get that - especially if they were close in age and it was their main home. A big age gap and if not there much of the time, maybe different, esp if they had their own grandparents who looked after them in other ways. This part isn’t something that I have in my life so just thinking “aloud”.

Things like paying for a holiday, if the parents of my kids’ step mum paid to take their dd (so kids’ SM), my exh and their little children on holiday, it wouldn’t be an issue for my kids that they weren’t going. BUT what could be an issue is that holiday taking up a big lump of their dad’s already limited AL. So likely he wouldn’t go on such a holiday until it was a long weekend or something. So always lots to think about!

My kids don’t get gifts from SM’s parents afaik, and they wouldn’t even think about that. Totally non issue. But they don’t ever spend Xmas with her parents. My parents wouldn’t buy for the little ones for that reason too, and because they hardly know them. It would be unkind not to buy for kids you actually spent Christmas with.

edited typos

Why is it a drip feed? I said in my OP grandparents should have not have treat GC and step GC the same way.

I am not saying step GC should be treated badly.

I pay for horse riding for GC. This should not mean I have to pay for the same for 4 step DC.

SIL couldn't afford private school for his four kids. Neither could the mother of the kids. DD could initially but then ran into some financial issues where I stepped in.

Complete none issue then really, he thought he'd chance his luck, you said no. Daughter is completely in support of you and didn't even know he had asked.

Why were you so fixated on the inheritance issue though?

The more this thread evolves, the more strenuously I agree with the OP. She (I assume it’s a grandmother, I apologise if not) can absolutely spend whatever she chooses on her daughter’s two children, without any obligation to do the same for her daughter’s stepchildren.

Did the father want his second wife to pay for private education for the four children he already had with someone else?

When he and his second wife, OP’s daughter, discussed private education for their two children, was it absolutely expected that his wife would be paying the fees, not him, and not his parents, as presumably they were not able or not inclined to do so for the four older children?

OP may I ask the ages of all six children?