To feel a bit lost not to have any more babies.

[dinomumma]

I had my first at 17 and my last at 41. I have 4 and they are all very spread out over the 24 years. Dh had a vasectomy after our 4th which we discussed and agreed. I am 46 now and I know we can’t have any more now, no more space, money, time or energy but I feel so sad that I won’t ever see another positive test, experience another pregnancy or love another baby.
I know I’m lucky to have the 4 we have but I think I have lost myself to being a mum and now I feel like I am waking up from the blur of motherhood and it all feels a bit like I’ve been sleepwalking my whole adult life and I don’t know who I really am.

Oh gosh I don’t know what to say other than I absolutely hear you. I feel the same. I don’t think I’ll ever feel ‘done’. When people say things like, ‘no more, we’re done’ I don’t think I’ll ever reach that place.

Time to start working out how you want to live the rest of your life. You’ll still be busy with a 5 year old but maybe can look for some paid work while they are at school.
This was always going to happen whether you had 4 or 8 children.
My mum had a 5th because she didn’t know what to do with herself. Wanted a 6th too. I would say it was a bad idea because we had no space or money and the gaps were so big we didn’t really grow up with the youngest.
Mum never did anything in her 40s. Some childcare for grandchildren then took to drink and died young.
You need to plan for this new phase as people plan for retirement.
Nothing wrong with just staying at home and waiting for grand children though if your finances can bear it and DH is supportive.

Agree with this except please don’t ’wait around’ for grandchildren. Imagine the pressure of feeling that you ‘ought’ to have children to keep your own mum occupied! Some people don’t wish to have children. Or they may have children but not live near, or not wish to have granny desperate to be doing childcare. The whole idea of ‘waiting for grandchildren’ is just avoiding actual decisions about your own life, @dinomumma.

we only have one life. What do you want to achieve in your own right, that’s not dependent on other people’s lives and decisions? Have you ever worked? If so, can you develop those skills and go further? Or is there a new direction you wish to go in? Do you have hobbies? You’re only 46, you have a lot of adult life left. I get that if your life up to now has been having another baby once your youngest is growing up, you’re going to feel a bit bereft, but as others have said, that’s quite a common feeling, however many children you have. It’s quite normal to feel a pang of ‘oh that’s the last baby/ last one going to toddler group/ last one starting school’ but that’s why it’s important to have a focus on the next phase of life. For many mums, going back to work after mat leave kind of dilutes this feeling I suppose - I’ve always worked, so although I felt the last baby pangs, I always had other stuff going on in my life- but I guess if you don’t return to work you perhaps feel it stronger.

But look, you’ve got years ahead of you to find a new focus and regain a sense of purpose and satisfaction that’s not just about having babies