To stop contact with dad completely now

[JustsamanthaJayne]

My ex only sees the kids a couple hours a week
This Saturday he was supposed to have them for the full day ( not overnight as he refuses to have them overnight) and now he's messaged me tonight saying he won't be having them due to work. He doesn't work weekends only through the week ans makes excuses he's 'on call' every so often
But he does this a lot turns up hours late cancels minute
He says he will have them for 1 hour after school tomroow instead at such short notice
A couple of months back he canceled on these kids coz him his wife and kids had booked a weekend away so he didn't have them
I've had enough of my plans being spoilt and my life being made harder so I'm just not gonna arrange contact with him anymre and go full grey rock
AIBU?

Is there any child arrangement order in place through the courts? (Doesn’t sound like it).
My exH was similar.
At first, he was very on top of his contact with the DCs. But little by little it got less and less. So many excuses to cancel - some of them blatant lies which he got caught out with 🫠 Personal fave was when he told me he couldn’t have them because he was working away (which he does sometimes)…..but then I got a text from a friend of mine that night telling me that he was in the nightclub in our town. She sent me a picture of him having a jolly old time with his mates, when I’d had to get my Saturday night shift at work covered because he was “working away” 🤨
After that I simply stopped chasing him. He could contact me to arrange contact if and when he decided his children were worth his time.
Of course if your ex is on the birth certificate and you refuse contact, he could take you to court for a child arrangement order…..but that would mean he would also have to stick to the terms of the order. Which if he’s anything like my ex? Is highly unlikely.

Thanks for your reply I'm sorry you've been going through the same thing
There is no court order
He won't take me to court as he doesn't want to be told he has to see the kids on set days and times

I’m free of it now….we don’t live on the same continent any more 🫠 And speaks volumes that there was absolutely zero pushback when it was first put to him that a temporary overseas move was on the cards.

If he wouldn’t take you to court, then yeah. I’d just stop putting in the effort on your end. It’s not your job to force him to be a parent - that’s on him. You’re not blocking contact, you’re simply not chasing him to arrange it.
I’ve seen it first hand - it’s easier for my kids to know that they won’t see their dad than it is for them to be let down by him when he cancels. And again: he saw no problem with cancelling last minute, because it wasn’t him who had to tell them or comfort upset children. That was me.

Yanbu

i would stop arranging contact. Let him message you if he wants to see the kids. But don’t bend over backwards or change plans for him. Make your own plans and ensure he fits round that. Then if you are having a quiet day with them anyway and he doesn’t turn up then it’s not a big deal, you haven’t cancelled anything.

you can’t make a parent parent

I had one of these. What do you kids think? Do they want to see their father?