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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

“You’re not my real dad!”

24 replies

MidoriNoRingo · 03/04/2025 13:27

Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate this?

My husband has raised my daughter as his since she was 4, she’s now 11. She has no contact with her biological father, she calls my husband daddy.

Now she is older she has been given a bit more responsibility around the house and she has chosen the dishes to be her job that she oversees. When I am home, there are no issues. However, my husband has admitted that he’s been struggling for a while now with her believing that she does not have to do what he asks because he’s not her real dad. This is awkward as I am at work in the mornings before she wakes up, so ensuring that she is washed, teeth brushed, room tidied before school is down to my husband as she will not do these things without being told. Husband is really struggling and when he asked her last night to bring down all of the glasses from her room and put them in the dishwasher she hit him again with the you’re not my real dad line. This is always when I am not in the house so I can’t back him up. When I talk to her about it she’s as sweet as an angel and apologises and says it won’t happen again but now it’s becoming a daily issue.

Does anyone have advice on this? We don’t want our 3 year old to see this behaviour and the that he also can behave like this towards my husband.

OP posts:

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 13:30

“Yep, you’re right there, but I still would like you to bring down all the glasses in your room and put in Dishwasher.”

don’t let her think it’s having an impact
she will tire of saying it

Agix · 03/04/2025 13:31

She's going to have a lot of feelings about why her "real dad" isn't around. She's probably struggling to understand them. They might be making her angry.

I mean he could give a go shooting back with "I AM your real dad. I've raised you most of your life, I love you so much and I know you love me. I may not have been there when your mum got pregnant, but I am definitely your dad".

She might be feeling a bit unwanted and unloved deep down, wondering why dad didn't want her. Maybe she just need a remind her that her dad does want her.. And he's right there?

Upsetbetty · 03/04/2025 13:33

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 13:30

“Yep, you’re right there, but I still would like you to bring down all the glasses in your room and put in Dishwasher.”

don’t let her think it’s having an impact
she will tire of saying it

Edited

This 🙌

Goldengirl123 · 03/04/2025 13:36

We had this. She is pushing the boundaries which is very normal. It will pass

VictorianScreenTime · 03/04/2025 13:39

Inclined to agree with @Agix - she needs to know that won’t fly and as far as he is concerned she is his daughter end of.

“I may not be your biological father but I AM your dad. I love you and your mum and I’ll keeping loving you no matter what. Now clean up the damn dishes!”

PsychoHotSauce · 03/04/2025 13:40

Agix · 03/04/2025 13:31

She's going to have a lot of feelings about why her "real dad" isn't around. She's probably struggling to understand them. They might be making her angry.

She might be feeling a bit unwanted and unloved deep down, wondering why dad didn't want her. Maybe she just need a remind her that her dad does want her.. And he's right there?

These are big assumptions to make. She doesn't know any different, and doesn't know or respect her "real" dad either. It's far more likely that she's realised a "loophole" in the family dynamics and is trying it out.

It would be different if DH was relatively new on the scene. Don't just automatically assume that kids "miss" a dad they never even knew. I didn't.

CaramelGhost · 03/04/2025 13:42

Agree " Yes you're right, do you want to talk about it before or after you've done x".

Teenagers lash out and they know how to hurt you. Just remain consistent and don't rise to it when they're being goady.

FortyElephants · 03/04/2025 13:45

Tell her that she doesn't only have to follow expectations from her parents but she needs to listen to other adults too, such as teachers, so she needs to listen to her step dad as much as her mum.

ghostyslovesheets · 03/04/2025 13:45

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 13:30

“Yep, you’re right there, but I still would like you to bring down all the glasses in your room and put in Dishwasher.”

don’t let her think it’s having an impact
she will tire of saying it

Edited

This nails it really!

do not react - I used to get ‘I wish I lived with xxx (dads partner) she would…’ Let them stay up late, make then something different for tea etc. I’d just say ‘that’s nice of her but you are here now so…’

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 03/04/2025 13:45

Not a stepchildren situation but when my 14yr old isn't keen on my reasonable requests I just tell him to think about how well that's going to pan out for him when he wants something from me.

Snorlaxo · 03/04/2025 13:46

I know it’s not really about the glasses but get her to do them before she goes to bed so your h doesn’t have to ask in the morning.

NoNewsisGood · 03/04/2025 13:46

Agix · 03/04/2025 13:31

She's going to have a lot of feelings about why her "real dad" isn't around. She's probably struggling to understand them. They might be making her angry.

She might be feeling a bit unwanted and unloved deep down, wondering why dad didn't want her. Maybe she just need a remind her that her dad does want her.. And he's right there?

This. However, I would perhaps go down the 'yes, I know....'.

I think she is going through the inevitable stage of this and making her feel like she must accept her stepdad as her only dad is unfair. She has a biological parent that it is ok to feel sad and confused as to why he isn't around. I don't think it is fair to shut her down on that. He isn't her 'real' Dad and she probably had no say in the current situation. It's ok for her to question these things.

I would suggest he pick a time when there are no chores to be done, etc. where they can talk about it. He can express that he feels like she is his daughter (if true) and that he is happy to be in her life, will always be there for her, etc. She may not believe any of it, and that is also ok. It's not really so much about the stepdad and him feeling uncomfortable. She's a child who is working through a lot of emotions. However, him reassuring her that he is there for her, enjoys being her Dad, thinks of her as his daughter, etc. will go a long way, even if it is in the longer-term and not gonna make a difference right now.

Genevieva · 03/04/2025 13:48

There are lots of different ways to be a real Dad. Being there for her every day as her step-father and loving her as his own are much bigger and more important ways than being a biological father.

There is that separate issue of life involving the need to do what other people say and this including her step father / teacher / future employer etc, as well as the importance of helping those around us, pitching in, being reliable and contributing towards a community. But I think there could an absent biological dad issue here that you might need to address. Is contact with her birth father impossible? Would she like to be adopted by her step father, so she feels he is properly hers? There’s a lot to unpack.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 03/04/2025 13:49

I disagree with the previous comments

She very well could be sad and a bit confused, and maybe it taking the piss a bit. He needs to explain how much this hurts him and how much he loves her first.

He needs to explain that they've chosen eachother and this can't be said, it's a hard boundary.

Don't let her think he doesn't really love her. You have no idea whats going on in her head. No need for a cold response.

There's a growing online movement against single mums and kids who don't know their real dad. I'd be hesitant to let that come between them.

I should say that i grew up thinking that my sd was my dad. He didn't love me and it was so clear but whenever I brought it up, I was met with 'yes, we don't love you, stop moaning, with eye rolls and 'mock sarcasm'. I'm now estranged from him and his bullying but he's the one who my family chose.

5 years later, I'm okay.

Baital · 03/04/2025 13:50

I love you as a father, and always will. I am also responsible for you, and you need to do your chores. Go and get the glasses from your room.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 03/04/2025 13:50

Baital · 03/04/2025 13:50

I love you as a father, and always will. I am also responsible for you, and you need to do your chores. Go and get the glasses from your room.

This

WoodyOwl · 03/04/2025 13:55

Does she have a different surname to you/DH/your 3yo? Perhaps she feels a bit outside of the unit?

Would your DH adopt her formally?

verycloakanddaggers · 03/04/2025 13:56

We don’t want our 3 year old to see this behaviour and the that he also can behave like this towards my husband Think this is a strange position - most 3yos with older siblings see rudeness at times. What matters is how you deal with it.

It's very hard not seeing a biological parent. She's correct he isn't her real dad, and that's a lot to deal with.

You need to separate the discussion about chores from the discussion about her father situation. She needs to do her chores and she needs to be able to talk about her situation.

HarryVanderspeigle · 03/04/2025 14:00

One of mine does this to me when he is having a meltdown. You're not my real mum, I was adopted. Not true I was there, definitely not switched at birth. It's more to test boundaries and ensure I still love him I think.

I just say I love you and will always love you. No matter what he throws at me. And as others have said, still have the same expectations that being part of a family means you do things for each other.

Arran2024 · 03/04/2025 14:01

Does she have adequate info about her biological father and understand why she doesn't see him? I am an adopter and life story work is generally regarded as essential for children to understand where they come from.

Screamingabdabz · 03/04/2025 14:02

I really like the responses on here. The thing with teenage outbursts is to treat them with the wisdom and patience you would do with a toddler tantrum. You know it’s emotional, you know it’ll blow over, you know not to take it too personally or seriously.

He might want to say “…yes you’re absolutely right. But unfortunately for you my lovely I live here, now can you go and get the bowls and cups?” (And then breathe and wait for the storm to pass). One day, that loving patience will be appreciated.

toomuchfaff · 03/04/2025 14:18

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 13:30

“Yep, you’re right there, but I still would like you to bring down all the glasses in your room and put in Dishwasher.”

don’t let her think it’s having an impact
she will tire of saying it

Edited

This.

She is lashing out because she doesn't want to do the requested action. You can either kick off royally and she gets her way because its a big argument OR this....

She's not wrong, he isn't dad, but that doesn't negate her doing househokd tasks.

therealtrunchbull · 03/04/2025 14:43

If my 13 year old tried this with my DP (they haven’t so far) they’d be getting a bollocking from me. Their nan isn’t their mum or dad either but they still have to do what she says when they are with her. And their teachers etc. If I was your DP I wouldn’t feed into it. It would be ‘what’s that got to do with it’.

BobbyBiscuits · 03/04/2025 14:49

'it makes no difference whether we are blood relatives or not. The fact remains you must do x,y,z'.

It's just a way for a kid to get out of doing stuff. They expect the outcome to be 'oh, yeah of course I'm not so I'll let you run riot completely ungoverned'.
Make it plain to them that tactic won't work.

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