To finding it hard to bond with new baby ?

[Erin873]

I have a 3 year old and new baby is 2 weeks old. Had a pretty traumatic emergency C-section and I was pretty out of it until we arrived to the post natal ward. My first was a quick natural labour and latched immediately. Home the next day and bonded really well. This time around I feel so distant with new baby. I’m forumula feeding because I was so exhausted. She is the ‘perfect baby’ as everyone keeps telling me, she feeds and sleeps, doesn’t fuss to be held. I feel like I’ve barely cuddled her for a long period of time, I feed her and put her down, and see to the 3 year old. He’s at nursery 5 mornings a week which gives me a few hours to get on with housework, self care and rest because of the pain of my C-section. I just feel this recovery is so much harder than my first. DP is at work all day from 6am and gets in at 5, then does 3 year olds bedtime which gives me an hour with her alone. I just want to feel close with her but I don’t? Has anyone else been through this ?

Give yourself time. Not everyone bonds straight away. It took me some time with my first after a fairly traumatic birth. It will come!

I felt a bit like this with my first. The bond took time and was just functional in the early days (traumatic birth). I was surprised by my bond being immediate with my second (twin) pregnancy. But that way round my expectation was low. Give yourself time and try not to worry, but also speak to dh and your health visitor or a friend.

Leave the house work for a bit, strip her down, get into bed or comfy on the couch and cuddle her skin to skin, you’ll both benefit from it.

I had an easy delivery, breast fed, and I didn’t feel a bond for months. If one more person told me to just stay in bed and do skin to skin, I would have screamed!! Instead it just made me so sad and bored out of my mind!!! The bond came eventually, ironically when I switched to formula feeding!

This! Was literally going to say the same, honestly OP forget the housework, it doesn’t matter at the moment. You’ve had a C-section so you need to rest not be up and about doing the cleaning!!

Could you afford to increase your oldests time at nursery for a bit? Is there anyone who can come and stay to help for a few days?

I felt like this about my second child.

i went through the motions of minding him but didn’t have any major feelings! He was just this baby that i was minding.

it took time for him to grow on me. He is 13 years old now and all is fine - i can hardly remember those early days - so dont worry too much.

Im impressed - housework? Pls don’t tell me you are doing nursery drop off and pick up and looking after toddler all afternoon? You need to go easy on yourself

Similar experience with me although I didn’t end up switching to formula

OP - I found that as much as I felt protective over my baby and did all the things I needed to do, he still felt like a stranger to me. At times, I was even a little afraid of him! He was my first and only and turned my world upside down and I didn’t even have another child or a traumatic birth to contend with. I found that I fell in love with him a while later. Probably when he became more alert and interesting. He is now 7 and we are very close. He is my favourite human by a long stretch!

Yes this was exactly my experience!! I felt protective and knew what I had to do, but didn’t fall in love until a lot later. It was when they developed a personality, I really fell in love.

I don’t think I really bonded with DS for the best part of a year. Don’t sweat it. Focus on your own recovery. It will come.

I wholeheartedly voted YANBU, give yourself a break and please cut yourself some slack! You’ve had a difficult delivery and this time round you’re also caring for a toddler alongside a newborn which will be completely new territory and understandably you’re going to have to manage everything differently than you could the first time. Give yourself time to heal physically and mentally, you’re juggling a lot so be kind to yourself

dont fret its normal
it’s hard with two,
id recommend skin to skin

Who comes on a post when a vulnerable and aching new mum is asking for support because she feels she isn't bonding with her baby to offer a time capsule message? What do you think she's going to say? I've seen some unfeeling posts on MN, but this takes the biscuit!

OP, firstly, congratulations. Go easy on yourself. As others have said, sometimes the bonding takes time. I had a traumatic C section birth with my DD and didn't feel like I bonded for many months. Yet now I absolutely adore her. My gynae said to me that when there has been a traumatic birth, your mind and body both concentrate on getting well first. That made sense to me.

I think it’s hard to bond with newborns because outside of crying, they’re not emotionally expressive. They don’t smile when they see you or reach out for you or appear to give a damn whether they’re cared for by you or by a stranger. I wouldn’t worry about it.

Take a deep breath. Sounds like you need a well deserved rest. You need to recover don't underestimate the impact of a traumatic birth x

This is so true. You break your back night and day and get not even a smile for the first few months! Ungrateful fuckers 😂

My bond came when I started formula feeding. Also had a traumatic birth, emergency c-section and a 9 day stay in neonatal care followed by a 6 week stay from in-laws!
once the c-section pain, visitors stopped and grieved breastfeeding not working switching to formula feeding the bond came. It took time. You are doing amazing. Take it hour by hour don’t put the pressure on yourself

Take the pressure right off OP. It will come in due time.
Don’t forget your older child needs mummy time too. He has been away from you for a bit. If he’s in nursery and then dad is on bed duty every night, just make sure he doesn’t feel left out and let dad bond with kid #2 too.