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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unavailable Friend

13 replies

Sugarplumlollipop · 02/04/2025 19:34

So I've been friends with this person for 10 years. We always have such good fun together and is the very few people I have felt I can open up to and be unapologetically myself with. It's lovely.

I had a term in a refuge and she was my emergency contact. I wasn't expecting to be babied but I thought she would have checked in at least once just to ask how I was considering the situation. I felt a bit let down emotionally from her but appreciate we both have our lives going on and now I've moved on from there, I've let it go.

However most recently, it was my son's birthday in March and she said she has some presents for him. We have been unable to meet and so I asked when she was free next. She replied saying she's not free for the month now because of uni work. This has been the reason for a while and I'm trying to be understanding of the work load but it almost sounds like she just isn't that interested in maintaining the friendship.

We live in the same town and I find it gutting she can't even find an hour to meet for a coffee or a drink out of the whole month, but moreso it just feels a bit shit that my son (5) has to wait long after his birthday to receive these gifts (which he knows she's got) because she can't find the time.

AIBU - uni work is her priority and I need to be more supportive in understanding this
YNBU - it's a bit of a lame excuse, you can find some time if you wanted to.

Currently I haven't replied to that last message - what would you say, if anything?

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/04/2025 19:35

She’s not your friend. Let her go.

KarCat · 02/04/2025 19:38

It’s tough when friends behave like this.
I would reply ok, let me know when you’re free
Then wait for her to get back in touch

Original poster
Sugarplumlollipop · 02/04/2025 19:40

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/04/2025 19:35

She’s not your friend. Let her go.

Yea that's the feeling I've got.
It's great when we eventually get together but it seems like I value the friendship more at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sugarplumlollipop · 02/04/2025 19:44

KarCat · 02/04/2025 19:38

It’s tough when friends behave like this.
I would reply ok, let me know when you’re free
Then wait for her to get back in touch

Think I'll reply exactly that actually, just let her contact me next.

OP posts:
Yellowpingu · 02/04/2025 19:46

At this time of year in university its exams and dissertation time. Perhaps she’s struggling to keep up. Maybe ask her how she’s getting on with her course? If, come summer, she’s still putting you off then that’s a different story.

nessiesnotreal · 02/04/2025 19:47

What are her other commitments besides Uni? Is she working? Does she look after parents? Have kids? A partner?

I think it would depend on what else she has going on in her life.

I had a friend working full time last year who was also doing Uni as well as looking after her Nan and she had a partner, and she had a dog that needed walking too. For a while it was difficult for her to find any time for herself at all. Not even an hour to meet for coffee.

Original poster
Sugarplumlollipop · 02/04/2025 19:48

Yellowpingu · 02/04/2025 19:46

At this time of year in university its exams and dissertation time. Perhaps she’s struggling to keep up. Maybe ask her how she’s getting on with her course? If, come summer, she’s still putting you off then that’s a different story.

Yes that's a good shout. I'm trying to be understanding as I get overwhelmed with a lot of work too. It's more of the feeling of not being able to meet even for an hour coffee and present exchange.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sugarplumlollipop · 02/04/2025 19:51

nessiesnotreal · 02/04/2025 19:47

What are her other commitments besides Uni? Is she working? Does she look after parents? Have kids? A partner?

I think it would depend on what else she has going on in her life.

I had a friend working full time last year who was also doing Uni as well as looking after her Nan and she had a partner, and she had a dog that needed walking too. For a while it was difficult for her to find any time for herself at all. Not even an hour to meet for coffee.

Edited

She doesn't work and no children. She lives with her boyfriend who works at a nightclub so would assume she has some evenings on her own but perhaps she uses this for some quiet time to do the work.

OP posts:
Kate240 · 02/04/2025 20:18

She's prioritising Uni work. It's April and she's possibly got a dissertation due. I didn't see or do anything with anyone over exam/dissertation time.

It's like a 100hr working week, the pressure is immense. It wouldn't be an hour would it- she has to break concentration, get showered, get dressed, head to a meeting spot, spend a couple of hours, head back - she loses a day and she may well not have that day to spare. Once you break from studying it can be hard to get back into it - taking more time.

She's likely got £30-50k riding on getting her degree with a loan she's going to spend the next decade or more paying back. She's well within her rights to put that ahead of a friends 5yr old's birthday.

Sorry OP, you need to wait it out. When she's done - she'll have time to celebrate and spend time with mates. If it doesn't change then, then of course rethink the friendship, but right now she needs to focus on herself - quite rightly too.

Poonu · 02/04/2025 20:22

Why can't you frame it so your son won't be upset.
Maybe she has personal stuff going on?

suburberphobe · 02/04/2025 20:30

OP, you're on 2 different paths in life.

Just be patient. Lovely she did think of your son to get presents for him.

Original poster
Sugarplumlollipop · 02/04/2025 20:44

suburberphobe · 02/04/2025 20:30

OP, you're on 2 different paths in life.

Just be patient. Lovely she did think of your son to get presents for him.

Yes that's very true. I'll wait it out until she has some time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sugarplumlollipop · 02/04/2025 20:46

Poonu · 02/04/2025 20:22

Why can't you frame it so your son won't be upset.
Maybe she has personal stuff going on?

I don't believe it's personal stuff as we're usually pretty open with each other.
Yes I just haven't mentioned it to my son any further. We were going to meet before to give him the presents that's why he knew.

OP posts:
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