How to stop chasing the next “thing”

[Pink39tree]

No matter how much success I have or the goals I achieve as soon as I achieve them, I'm always chasing the next thing.

I recently got a promotion at work, I’ve been loving it but straightaway I was on the job website trying to find the next promotion. I realised I have a problem when I met a new colleague today who just got a promotion to the higher grade. I felt such a sense of failure despite not having applied for that job or knowing anything about it. It makes no sense.

Im on a holiday, I don’t even get excited I just straightaway am thinking about the next one.

I hit a savings goal that took ages to get to I realise it’s not enough and need the next big goal.

It's exhausting and mentally draining and I would love to know how to stop doing this.

I've worked really hard to get where I am and I just can't enjoy it because I'm constantly thinking about the next goal, or the next big achievement. I know it’s unreasonable but I’m desperate to know how I can help this. I’m petrified to get to my final years and realise I wish it all way for the next big thing. If anyone has been through this or knows any practical help, please send them my way. Or I don’t know is this normal maybe? My partner is the complete opposite so it doesn’t feel very normal. Someone mentioned it could be ADHD but I don’t know 😭

Pp with this kind of behaviour are often trying to prove something to themselves (( or to disprove a false belief from childhood, if that makes sense ). You said you ' felt like a failure ', when you realised someone else had got a promotion, is that one of your core beliefs, or believing that you're ' not good enough ' etc? It's worth writing down some of these core beliefs, where they came from and examining whether they are really true.

Try mindfulness, meditation, yoga

You seem very motivated and high achieving - well done!

I would say you need to firstly slow down and consciously enjoy being in the moment - maybe do a daily 15 minutes of journaling to get you into the moment and really appreciate what you have.

Then you may want to visit your deeper life philosophy or core beliefs to re-examine what success means to you. All this drivenness must have come from somewhere- where? What do you get from it? Now you are conscious of it you could take some time to reflect on what you keep going forward.

Maybe talk to other people about their own life philosophies and see what resonates.

this isn’t something you’ll change overnight but I think you’re at the start of an interesting journey.

I was a bit like this when I was younger. As you get older you inevitably become more grateful for what you have because no one wins everything and age has a habit of teaching people about acceptance.

It’s probably not a popular opinion but I think if you’re young it’s not a bad thing to be ambitious and driven. God knows we all tend to get it knocked out of us over time, why do that earlier than you need?

I agree that meditation and mindfulness are probably good ways to develop a better understanding of why you are negatively comparing yourself to others though.

I used to be a bit like this. I think it was partly being raised by an extremely anxious mother and a critical, perfectionist father.

That sounds like a miserable way to live. Have you ever had counselling? It might help you unpick the reasons why you’re wishing your life away like this.

I would strongly recommend this book:

https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/443313/directional-living-by-hellerer-megan/9780241513378

I have been having CBT for anxiety and this sort of thing happens to me. My therapist talked about perfectionism and I would never have said that I was a perfectionist but this came from a factsheet she gave me and alot of it did ring true:

Perfectionism involves: The relentless striving for extremely high standards; Judging your self-worth based largely on your ability to achieve these standards; And continuing to set demanding standards despite the cost
associated with striving for them.
Sometimes when a person’s self worth depends on their achievements they push themselves to attain unrealistically high standards. They may act in ways
intended to ensure that they meet these standards (e.g.checking, correcting); judge themselves harshly and focus on their mistakes. They may criticise themselves
when they fail to meet their standards, affecting theirself worth. If they meet their standards they may suggest that they were too low and set higher ones.

Unrelenting high standards are so unrealistically high and inflexible that we are unlikely to be able to meet the standard, or will only be able to meet the standard at
considerable cost. When an unrelenting high standard is not met, instead of concluding that it was unrealistic, perfectionists will conclude that they did not work hard enough or failed. In future, some will give up altogether while others will try even harder. Unfortunately, even if a high standard is achieved, most perfectionists do not feel happy about this for very long. Some might see it as a “fluke” or decide that the standard set was not high enough, and set a higher standard the next time.

So maybe working with a CBT therapist or getting a book on it might help. I am only a few sessions in and it is mainly for anxiety for me but I am never in the present, always looking to the future, planning and worrying. I am hoping I can start enjoying the moment a little bit more after having this therapy.

Good luck!

‘The probability that you’re going to be happy, in any permanent sense, because you’ve accomplished something, is virtually zero.’

I screenshot this quote years ago, it really resonated with me. I can’t actually remember who said it! They (whoever it was) were talking about exactly the phenomena you describe- where you set a goal, go all out striving for it, reach it, and then feel a bit empty and move on to the next thing. I think it was making the point that trying to achieve things is fine, but is not in itself a route to happiness. You have to actually enjoy the day to day, somehow, and sure have a rough direction in mind, but find happiness in the journey.

Wow thank you for all the replies, they have been so helpful and I feel a little less alone. To try and reply to some individual comments.

@Appalonia I do think it’s stems a lot from childhood, I had a lot of pressure from my family to achieve academically. It felt the harder I studied the more they loved me, that pushed me to succeed very well academically (and crumble under the pressure but that’s another story). I think that’s where it started, “I’ll be happy when I just get an A at GCSE” > “I’ll be happy when I just get an A in my A-Levels” > “I promise all I want is to get into my dream university and then this is it I’ve made it” > “when I get a first class degree that’s when I know I’ve made it” and so on and so on.

@Mandarinaduck I think reevaluating what success means to me is important, but then It starts to creep back that the standard of success I set isn’t high enough. I.E I walked away from a really high flying high pressure career because I realised climbing the corporate ladder wasn’t for me and the pressure was too much. I have so much better work life balance now and I promised myself I wouldn’t get myself into a stressful job again, that work life balance is what success means to me. Yet, I find myself now chasing that next promotion everytime as I don’t feel I’m at a high enough standard.

@Thepeopleversuswork I hope your correct. That this is a great skill to have when you’re young, im just worried about wasting my youth on it. Can you be so driven that it borders on driving yourself to insanity?

@TreesWelliesKnees well your definitely correct, a huge part of it must stem from my upbringing of trying to gain my parents approval by reaching their unrealistically high perfectionist standards. Only when I got there I felt, what next?

@Justlikejessiesgirl oh my you have summed it perfectly in “Unfortunately, even if a high standard is achieved, most perfectionists do not feel happy about this for very long. Some might see it as a “fluke” or decide that the standard set was not high enough, and set a higher standard the next time.” Whenever I reach a goal, I simply think we’ll if I was able to reach it it wasn’t hard or anyone could have reached it so therefore it’s not impressive. So the next goal must be bigger and harder.

@PenelopeSkye thank you for this quote “The probability that you’re going to be happy, in any permanent sense, because you’ve accomplished something, is virtually zero.” It resonates exactly with how I should look at things. Think I need to find a balance between setting a goal that when I reach I’ll be “happy” as opposed to I just want to set this goal as something to achieve, no permanent happiness needs to be ascertained to it.

I would really recommend gratitude journalling. There are some good journals you can buy with prompts to make you think about the things you have in your life right now that you’re grateful for. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are, and the things you have now are the things your past self really wanted x

I’ve just gone to order this and read the preview “So many of us have done everything ‘right’ for our careers; picked a ‘career destination’, got the grades, made the 5-year plan, checked all the boxes, worked hard and climbed the ladder, and now? You're miserable. Every career milestone has made you feel emptier, and you've finally arrived at your ‘destination’ to find that you're stuck, unhappy and burned out. You’re an ‘Underfulfilled Overachiever’.” think this book is exactly what I need thank you!!

Lots of good advice already - also recommend to Google "hyper achiever" - will elicit some helpful reading.
Good luck OP.

I take time off and do manual work, be that in the garden, volunteering, painting the house.

We are rarely not mentally stimulated these days as we have constant access to devices so we don't sit with our thoughts.

Pre-kids, rural walking holidays were great.

I don't want to sound like twat, but when that mindset kicks in for me (usually wanting to buy something or book the next trip) I try to think about those less fortunate who will never have my opportunities and think of ways I can be of service. Even just finding a way of appreciating my child (who drives me bonkers a lot of the time!) by offering and bringing her a drink, asking and making her favourite meal, stupid silly things that make me feel like I'm cherishing the life I have now. I'm never 100% successful, I always feel like I fall short, but going to bed knowing I've tried to make a positive difference really resets and grounds me.

Do you have hobbies?
Try something creative

I was like this in my 20's, now in my 40's and I can't be arsed anymore. Got myself to a decent salary and discovered hobbies. Work doesn't motivate me like it used to, I give it my all for 8 hours a day but leave it behind at 5pm and forget about it until tomorrow.

Are you still fairly young? I found kids, husband, elderly parents, health issues came along and priorities changed. (Applogies if you have said your age, I didn't spot it before typing this up).