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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children moving back with Dad.

50 replies

Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 16:28

AiBU to not being happy with 23 year old son moving back in with my partner ? Context we have been together 3 years, when first met, his son was at university, he then ditched university, before her last year, said she had nowhere to live, Dad said he could move in with him, . He moved in and basically took over (I stay over about 4/5 nights a week) washing late at night, not cleaning or washing up, smoking weed in his bedroom, very temperamental. He stayed a year and then moved out to live in a shared house, that ends this summer and now saying he wants to move back in with Dad, he has said yes. I was planning to move in and as my daughter goes to university, but now I’m reluctant as just want some peace. Am I being selfish too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 17:06

Starlight7080 · 02/04/2025 17:02

So can your child move back home when they need to ? If they needed to at say 25 is it OK?
Is it only OK if they make no mess or stick to a routine you have decided is acceptable?
He should be putting his child first . Or do you think he should put you first?
Do you put him above your child?

Yes of course they can, and I don’t mind mess, but in their twenties I would expect them to share the household chores.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 17:07

Starlight7080 · 02/04/2025 17:02

So can your child move back home when they need to ? If they needed to at say 25 is it OK?
Is it only OK if they make no mess or stick to a routine you have decided is acceptable?
He should be putting his child first . Or do you think he should put you first?
Do you put him above your child?

I do expect him to put his son first of course, I feel bad now it has come across much worse than it actually is tbh

OP posts:
Serpentstooth · 02/04/2025 17:07

What is wrong with you? YABU. It's his son's HOME. Stay out of it.

Bananalanacake · 02/04/2025 17:09

Have a relationship without living together.

Original poster
Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 17:14

Serpentstooth · 02/04/2025 17:07

What is wrong with you? YABU. It's his son's HOME. Stay out of it.

I am staying out of it. He has my support the post is wether I should move in or not, not wether he should move in

OP posts:
Garlicgarlicgarlic · 02/04/2025 17:15

Enjoy dating without getting involved in his household drudgery. He should be taking you places and putting effort into dating.

Sitting around in his house sounds a bit crap when you've got your own clean, peaceful property.

purplecorkheart · 02/04/2025 17:22

Yes the son can move home, I agree that he should help out and pull his weight but clearly his father let's him away with this.

Personally, I would stay where you are and consider asking your dp to move in with you. He can always go back to his own place if your daughter comes home and she is unhappy with him being there.

itsmeits · 02/04/2025 17:26

Personally I'd stick to your arrangement currently, sounds like the son had some bad habits last time he stayed.
If you don't move in then he can do what he pleases in his and his dad's home and you don't have to feel uncomfortable in the surroundings.

It is crap that the plans you had haven't worked out, I'd be grateful you know about it before you'd moved.

Original poster
Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 17:26

purplecorkheart · 02/04/2025 17:22

Yes the son can move home, I agree that he should help out and pull his weight but clearly his father let's him away with this.

Personally, I would stay where you are and consider asking your dp to move in with you. He can always go back to his own place if your daughter comes home and she is unhappy with him being there.

There is no room for his son at my house, I only have 2 bedroom.

OP posts:
itsmeits · 02/04/2025 17:28

Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 17:26

There is no room for his son at my house, I only have 2 bedroom.

Show quote history

I think poster meant leave the son at his dad's house and have DP stop with you abit more

Original poster
Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 17:41

itsmeits · 02/04/2025 17:28

I think poster meant leave the son at his dad's house and have DP stop with you abit more

Show quote history

Ah ok

OP posts:
Gimmethenight · 02/04/2025 18:16

I definitely wouldn’t live with someone who was smoking weed.

Original poster
Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 18:21

Gimmethenight · 02/04/2025 18:16

I definitely wouldn’t live with someone who was smoking weed.

No it’s not nice tbh

OP posts:
Endofyear · 02/04/2025 20:13

Well you can not be happy about it but it's his house, his son and therefore his decision. How much time you choose to spend there is up to you!

Toodaloo1567 · 03/04/2025 06:47

It sounds like what you are really worried about is not the current situation, but the pattern it represents. This is a young person who cannot stick at things, does not appear to have a goal, and is regularly consuming a mind-addling drug. You fear that the young person may be being enabled by their father, thus potentially jeapordising your and the father’s future together.

All you can do is hang back and see how it pans out.

Original poster
Fernandez54 · 03/04/2025 07:23

Toodaloo1567 · 03/04/2025 06:47

It sounds like what you are really worried about is not the current situation, but the pattern it represents. This is a young person who cannot stick at things, does not appear to have a goal, and is regularly consuming a mind-addling drug. You fear that the young person may be being enabled by their father, thus potentially jeapordising your and the father’s future together.

All you can do is hang back and see how it pans out.

Thank yes wise words

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 07:25

Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 16:28

AiBU to not being happy with 23 year old son moving back in with my partner ? Context we have been together 3 years, when first met, his son was at university, he then ditched university, before her last year, said she had nowhere to live, Dad said he could move in with him, . He moved in and basically took over (I stay over about 4/5 nights a week) washing late at night, not cleaning or washing up, smoking weed in his bedroom, very temperamental. He stayed a year and then moved out to live in a shared house, that ends this summer and now saying he wants to move back in with Dad, he has said yes. I was planning to move in and as my daughter goes to university, but now I’m reluctant as just want some peace. Am I being selfish too?

Yes.

Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 07:27

Fernandez54 · 02/04/2025 17:14

I am staying out of it. He has my support the post is wether I should move in or not, not wether he should move in

Show quote history

No, you shouldn’t move in. It will be miserable for you all.

Original poster
Fernandez54 · 03/04/2025 11:43

Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 07:27

No, you shouldn’t move in. It will be miserable for you all.

Show quote history

Why would it be miserable for us all?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 13:48

You’ll be unhappy for all the reasons you’ve laid out about your DP’s child’s ‘lifestyle’/behaviour.
Your DP will be miserable with you moaning about it, and even when you aren’t moaning, knowing how unhappy you are.
Your DP’s child will be miserable knowing he’s being judged and causing problem for his dad in his relationship.

I can’t believe I actually have to spell this out.

You have described an unsustainable living arrangement. Don’t enter into it. You’ll create misery for all. Moving in (knowing how it was before) says you’re happy to go again, when you are clearly not.

Original poster
Fernandez54 · 03/04/2025 15:57

Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 13:48

You’ll be unhappy for all the reasons you’ve laid out about your DP’s child’s ‘lifestyle’/behaviour.
Your DP will be miserable with you moaning about it, and even when you aren’t moaning, knowing how unhappy you are.
Your DP’s child will be miserable knowing he’s being judged and causing problem for his dad in his relationship.

I can’t believe I actually have to spell this out.

You have described an unsustainable living arrangement. Don’t enter into it. You’ll create misery for all. Moving in (knowing how it was before) says you’re happy to go again, when you are clearly not.

Edited

I think that is quite unfair tbh. You don’t know me as a person and this is only a brief outline of the situation. I’m not judging anyone, and I have said nothing to my partner either. However I don’t want to live where cannabis is being smoked….would you? So I will support my partner by not moving in. Your tone is unpleasant.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 18:33

Fernandez54 · 03/04/2025 15:57

I think that is quite unfair tbh. You don’t know me as a person and this is only a brief outline of the situation. I’m not judging anyone, and I have said nothing to my partner either. However I don’t want to live where cannabis is being smoked….would you? So I will support my partner by not moving in. Your tone is unpleasant.

Show quote history

I apologise that my tone is off for you. I thought your question was a little disingenuous, but maybe I misunderstood your tone too.

I genuinely believe you know the answer to your dilemma. I am not judging your feelings about your DP’s child’s behaviour. Nor am I judging your DP for inviting his child back home. I’m just emphasising that the two don’t and won’t work together, and suggesting (strongly!) that you don’t get yourself into a very unhappy situation.

Meant genuinely xx

Staceysmum2025 · 03/04/2025 18:40

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Original poster
Fernandez54 · 03/04/2025 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Side piece ? Whatever

OP posts:
Original poster
Fernandez54 · 03/04/2025 19:10

Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 18:33

I apologise that my tone is off for you. I thought your question was a little disingenuous, but maybe I misunderstood your tone too.

I genuinely believe you know the answer to your dilemma. I am not judging your feelings about your DP’s child’s behaviour. Nor am I judging your DP for inviting his child back home. I’m just emphasising that the two don’t and won’t work together, and suggesting (strongly!) that you don’t get yourself into a very unhappy situation.

Meant genuinely xx

Edited
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Thank you 😊

OP posts:
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