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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Socialising small children

17 replies

Molly2023 · 02/04/2025 11:24

Hi Everyone, I'm putting this in AIBU as gets more traffic than parenting! Bit of background ...I have 3.8 year old. He's a wonderful little boy...Clever, great language skills and social with his baby brother, cousins and adults but can be shy. There's a question mark whether there is some neurodivergence going on as he's happy to play alone in preschool and has some stimming behaviors/ sensory issues which we are seeing a private OT for (they described him as having mild sensory issues and a shorter attention span than others his age). The community doctor was not concerned about him as hitting all milestones otherwise and didn't refer him on. I have him enrolled in some local classes. Should I be organizing lots of playdates etc or just leave him to it? What age did your children start forming friendships and actively playing with others? For those who are neurodivergent themselves, what would you have liked your parents to do? I'm thorn between feeling early intervention is key, but also, that as a society we have become obsessed with assessing every little thing in our children's lives which may be causing lots of unnecessary worry. Very interested to hear others views!!

Unreasonable - I should facilitate and make every effort to build his social skills

Reasonable - watch with interest and leave him to it and let him get there in his own time

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 02/04/2025 11:27

At nearly 4 he needs to be allowed to build friendships and learn how they work. Does he not go to nursery or play group?

Bingbong2000 · 02/04/2025 11:29

I would recommend lots of playdates but you might need to be quite active at helping them interact with shared activities. With us the most sociable probably began making friends before age 3 and the least at age 5.

Original poster
Molly2023 · 02/04/2025 11:30

Hercisback1 · 02/04/2025 11:27

At nearly 4 he needs to be allowed to build friendships and learn how they work. Does he not go to nursery or play group?

Hi, thanks for reply. He does, he goes to preschool for 3 hours Mon to Fri since Sept. The teacher told me he's more interested in her and the TA than his peers and prefers to play alone. When I ask him he tells me some of the children are his friends but he's just playing alongside them

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 02/04/2025 11:30

How much time is he spending at preschool?

Original poster
Molly2023 · 02/04/2025 11:32

Bingbong2000 · 02/04/2025 11:29

I would recommend lots of playdates but you might need to be quite active at helping them interact with shared activities. With us the most sociable probably began making friends before age 3 and the least at age 5.

That's great to know as such a range. Did you have any concerns with the one who was nearly 5?

OP posts:
Original poster
Molly2023 · 02/04/2025 11:35

MidnightPatrol · 02/04/2025 11:30

How much time is he spending at preschool?

3 hours a day Mon to Fri since September. He also does music, football and swimming

OP posts:
Barleypilaf · 02/04/2025 11:50

I’d keep an eye on it and definitely organise play dates and also model good social behaviour (i.e. have your friends over). Some explicit instruction can also help - good manners in hello/goodbye/taking turns in conversation/taking turns in playing games/being a good loser etc

Kids these days don’t play out so parents do have to organise more so they get the social interaction.

Ughn0tryte · 02/04/2025 11:52

Children all play differently. But yes, the aim would be lots of play dates. If he doesn't warm to other children it is going to be a challenge but don't give up too quickly.
Don't leave him at anyone's home for a play date, he could be masking at school at the moment.
You are his safe play.

IVFmumoftwo · 02/04/2025 12:22

Why force him to play with other kids if he doesn't want to? Just being at nursery will help him observe the other kids and learn how to behave socially.

Endofyear · 02/04/2025 13:07

Is it possible that the nursery environment is a little overwhelming with so many children and noise and busyness? Maybe having one little friend over to play with an activity to do together or turn taking games (with you facilitating) would encourage him to be more sociable. Some children do better in a one to one situation and home is probably where he's most comfortable. You can also do some role playing (make it like a game) of how to play with a friend. He's very little and I wouldn't get worried or stressed, he's still learning and children learn and develop at their own pace. Some are very social while others take a while to warm up. Give him plenty of opportunities with no pressure and keep playdates to a couple of hours for now.

Bingbong2000 · 02/04/2025 13:10

Molly2023 · 02/04/2025 11:32

That's great to know as such a range. Did you have any concerns with the one who was nearly 5?

Show quote history

Playing alone was flagged by the school in reception. Character-wise sounds similar to your ds except don't recall obvious stimming

Doolallies · 02/04/2025 13:15

Appreciate all kids are different but mine started playing at 3 just after his birthday, went to pre school. Teacher says he gets on and plays with everyone.
He’s not shy though

NuffSaidSam · 02/04/2025 13:19

I'd chill out a bit OP, you're over thinking. This doesn't need to be a policy level decision, just do a bit of both. See what suits you and him (and any other family members). Give him all the options and he'll find his own path.

Original poster
Molly2023 · 02/04/2025 14:42

Thanks everyone. Appreciate all your replies!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Molly2023 · 02/04/2025 14:47

Endofyear · 02/04/2025 13:07

Is it possible that the nursery environment is a little overwhelming with so many children and noise and busyness? Maybe having one little friend over to play with an activity to do together or turn taking games (with you facilitating) would encourage him to be more sociable. Some children do better in a one to one situation and home is probably where he's most comfortable. You can also do some role playing (make it like a game) of how to play with a friend. He's very little and I wouldn't get worried or stressed, he's still learning and children learn and develop at their own pace. Some are very social while others take a while to warm up. Give him plenty of opportunities with no pressure and keep playdates to a couple of hours for now.

Great advice thanks a mil

OP posts:
JumpinJellyfish · 02/04/2025 14:56

My eldest was quite shy at preschool so I worked hard with playdates. In his case it was just out of covid and I think he did find it all a bit overwhelming, but once he’d had a 1-1 play date with a child he was much more willing to play with them in the preschool setting, so it did really help. He was over 4 by the time he had proper friends (at preschool), but once he started reception he settled in really well and has been excellent socially from day 1.

Original poster
Molly2023 · 04/04/2025 09:53

Thanks everyone 🙏. So we've been encouraging him to play at school and then yesterday the preschool teacher tells me he's been getting into another child's space for the last few days (same little boy, he's been telling me he is his friend) and bumping into him. So frustrating as I had to have a word with him so that'll probably put him off trying again.

OP posts:
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