TW male sexual assault - advice needed

[Costacosta220]

My son aged 19 disclosed to me over watttsapp last night he was sexually assaulted 2 weeks ago. I am away unable to get home but will be home tomorrow evening. He's safe etc .

However advice needed.
I don't know full details of exactly what happened but it was my partners brother who did this. I have been with my partner 6 years (not my childrens father) he doesnt have children of his own . He gets brilliantly with my son. His brother I have known around 7 or 8 years. Again he has no children.

There are 2 neices in their family aged 11 and 9.

My son had been for lunch and to play pool or similar with the brother and this took place. He alleges similar happened last September. As it stands he doesn't want my partner to know as of yet so I am respecting that. I want to get home speak to him and find out how he wants to proceed. Police. Etc

Then I will have to tell partner and I imagine wider family in order to protect others.

Not anyone's fault other than the perpetrator but I imagine this will blow up the world of my partner and he will feel incredibly conflicted. There's also no evidence and one person's word against another so my son may well not want to pursue police involvement.

Help. Handhold. I can't even think straight

Just follow your sons lead. He is an adult and needs to be the one to decide who knows and if it should be reported. Dealing with the fall out of an allegation like this is horrific for the victim so it is for them to decide if they are ready to disclose to anyone else. Remember, he is an adult, unless you find out this was happening when he was a child, you're not obliged to share this to safeguard others. Even if it was, I'm not sure I could betray my own child's wishes on this.

Sending handhold and hugs OP, I am so sorry 😢 and as the PP says, follow your sons lead on this

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/support-for-men-and-boys/#:~:text=Contact%20our%2024%2F7%20Rape%20%26%20Sexual%20Abuse%20Support%20Line%3A&text=No%20matter%20when%20or%20where,start%20a%20free%20online%20chat.

Thankyou both. Obviously I don't want to push or pressure him but also as an adult I understand the importance of trying to prevent this man from doing this to anyone else. No suggestion it's happened when he was a child (I will ask gently and try and clarify this ) but no adult should be subjected to SA

No they shouldn't, but nor should they be forced to face being traumatised all over again for the chance of preventing someone else being assaulted. Chance being an important word there, conviction rates are low and reoffending rates are high. Please just support your son in whatever he wants to do.

That's not your DS's responsibility to carry. If this man offends again, it will not be in any way your DS's fault whether he chooses to speak to police or not. Please do not say anything to him about how he "has to" report and "has to" stop this man. That's neither in his gift nor his responsibility.

As hard as it is, you have to take your DS's lead on this.

I won't be putting any pressure on him sorry if I wasn't clear. I will listen and be led by him. He may not want people knowing.

More my opinion that it should be reported but I appreciate its not my decision to make and I won't be pressuring telling him or influencing him.

Sorry no advice but here for a hand hold. Also, the fact your son knows he can confide in you is wonderful.

Yeah we have a pretty open relationship. I had him when I was 19 and we discuss all kinds. He is aware of something I went through myself years ago with a (long estranged relative of mine ) he told his girlfriend first and she suggested / gently encouraged him to tell me.

I also work with offenders so I am aware of how they are (or in sex offending) aren't dealt with . Thanks again for those who have replied.

There is no evidence which means if h3 wanted the police involved the chances of charges or a successful prosecution are vanishingly slim.

I am also aware my relationship will most likely not survive this. Not my partners fault but I know from my work that the majority of families are very conflicted even in the face of solid cast iron beyond a reasonable doubt evidence. Let alone one person's word against another's. That's obviously one of those things.

Just getting my thoughts down on paper so to speak as I am away in a hotel room before I travel home tomorrow.

Sending you lots of love & strength - sounds like he is very lucky to have you during such a difficult time. Remember to look after yourself too OP x

I'm sorry to hear that. He can contact Survivors for advice and support. The Survivors Trust have a good helpline and can signpost him to specialist counselling.

You work in this broad area so I’m sure you know the value of open communication between you and your son. It is great he can tell you and that you believe him: that is massive. I’m sure you have said this isn’t his fault and he has done nothing wrong. I wonder if your son would benefit from speaking to a third party who has no interest in what has happened and what happens next. Rape Crisis is available to male victims. He may want to get his own thoughts in order before speaking to you-is it telling that the initial discussion was not face to face?

I am very sorry this happened to your son. Like others I think the fact he could tell you is very important and will help him. No advice but all my sympathy to you.

Thankyou