How to deal with this type of friend ?

[arcticpandas]

Looking for some words of wisdom from people who have been there and found solutions. One of my friends is a very nice, polite caring woman. All good qualities in a friend right? But she's also very judgmental and self-rigtheous. This has started to grate on me even though I do agree with her most of the time I just don't like the whole sing and dance about what a good person she is/ we are and all the virtue signaling. Like she has to inform people that she has homosexual friends and that her daughter has been brought up to be a tolerant person. To her all this is normal. We have a family member that is homosexual and my sons have no problem with people's sexualities, they don't really care tbh but I don't feel the need to tell the world because we're in a non homophobic friendship group so there is no point in arguing one way or the other. She also refers to her "black friend" and I find it offensive that she needs to state her colour (so that everyone knows she's "inclusive"). She always does it in a way so as to say how open minded she is, like "I'm friend with X who's black so I won't listen to any racism" so you can't call her out on it. It's tiresome. She's also very judgmental but in a sneaky manner so if you say something she will deny it or say "each to their own" while biting her under lip suggestively.

It sounds like I don't like her much doesn't it? I do, because she can be very nice and helpful It's just that I need to find a way to not letting her silent judgments get to me. If I have decided x for my sons she won't say straight out that she doesn't agree but will show with mimics that she thinks It's a bad decision. One of my other friends is the contrary and will say straight out "what are you thinking ..". I much prefer her honesty, even if she can be very blunt it comes from a place of caring and she's authentic.

What's your suggestions ? Should I talk to her? It's the only way to save our friendship I think because I'm starting to just wait for the virtue signalling or judgmental silent critisicm towards me or someone else to start when I'm with her.

Well you won’t be able to change her, so if it really annoys you (as it would me) maybe it’s time to start limiting the time you spend with her. “Nice and helpful” is hardly an enthusiastic compliment. I imagine you can easily find those qualities in other people in your life.

I guess you could challenge her on it in the moment: eg - "I don't tolerate racism" - "well I should hope not!"; "I'm not homophobic" - "of course, that's a minimum requirement really". Ie just point out to her in the moment that she is showing off about stuff that should be taken for granted.

Honestly, it is possible she won't get it and won't change. In which case it is probably a question of how much her good qualities outweigh her bad ones. The virtue signalling does sound horrendously annoying.

I hate this type of thing! When people pull faces or make gestures implying judgement I always just air it and say 'oh, you pulled a bit of a face there, do you not agree? It's ok if you don't think I'm making the right decision, I'd rather hear your view, we don't have to agree' , that kind of thing!

I always always try to air the unsaid. It makes me feel better if nothing else, and allows the other person to say what they feel without all the biting the lip nonsense!