to feel my dad is taking the piss

[lesleyella]

My Dad lives several hours away from me but works part-time, ad-hoc at a business near my house. He comes to stay regularly whenever he wants to work. I have a stepson and 4 month old baby and my husband works long hours. My dad probably stays with us about a third of the time, turning up and never saying how long he will stay for. He expects all his meals cooked for him and, despite the fact he is well off and we are skint, he has never so much as brought us a bottle of wine and very rarely buys any groceries.

For a while he was planning to move up here but this evening has casually mentioned that he is not going to ... why would when he has free board and lodging in our tiny little house? I know he is my dad and all but it is really getting to me ... My DH and I get so little time together ... and we get so little time as a family ...

argh!

That's dreadful. Do you have a spare room that he stays in?

so tell him no!

yes, he is taking the piss, but that's partly because you're letting him!
you need to tell him to bring some groceries with him, or while he is with you just say oh can you go and get x,y,z
don't cook all his meals- tell him he's family and he's not in a hotel and you aren't going to wait on him.

YANBU, but you do need to address this directly with your Dad. You should not have to put up with constant visiting like that, it would drive me insane!

tell him to get his own place or else you will be stuck in this routine for a long long time

I know you are all right ... I am crap at confrontation. I am scared he will react really badly ... which he is entirely capable of doing. But the fact that he is no longer even trying to get his own place feels like the last straw.

Anymore advice on how to tackle this gratefully received.

What do you mean he will react badly? In what way?

Can you get DH to have a word, 'man to man'? Might come better from him as no doubt your Dad still thinks of you as a little girl. Or at least the three of you sit down, you & DH as a united front, & have a 'drains up'.

I think you need to get things straight in your head before you say anything:

For instance: If he offered to contribute (financially, by buying food or with chores) would you be OK with it?

If you knew when he was staying, would that make a difference?

I think you need to be clear what your 'objective' is (FWIW, if that's 'I don't want my dad to stay anymore' then YANBU) but just so any argument doesn't get twisted / out of hand...

Decide what YOU want to happen and then stick to it.

YANBU.

I think he may react but just not speaking to me but I must admit that is a risk I think I am willing to take.

You are absolutely right, tearinghairout, he does indeed think of me as a little girl. As for what I want, I guess I want him to stay less than he does now and to be clear about how long he is staying.

Thank you everyone for reassuring me that I am not actually a complete selfish bitch. I will speak to dh and make a plan.