To be miffed my brother told my DN this story?

[Newusername12333]

New username because I know some mumsnetters will be judging the thing I did when I was a stupid 16 year old with an undeveloped brain.
Hang on because this could be a long one.
I have always looked after my DN. Since she was a baby, me and DP have had her over night once a week, looked after her and her siblings when my DB and SIL went on holiday ect. So I’ve never really had the “fun aunt” role, I’ve had to tell her off, I’ve taken her to parents evening when her mum and dad were working, done all the boring shit. Don’t get me wrong, she stays up late at mine and order her the odd pizza, but when she’s in my care she follows the rules and knows we don’t let shit slide.
Recently, she’s been excluded from her really good sixth form. Her mum has definitely given her a hard time, I told her off a bit, but I’m not gonna kick her when she’s down, just did the “I’m not angry I’m just disappointed mate you worked so hard to get in and now you might have fucked it up”. I’ve also helped her draft a letter to the head saying how sorry she is (her idea). I don’t think they will let her back in, but no harm in saying sorry.
Me and my brother are former chavs. I am now reformed, but in my youth I was a wrongun. My brother has told my DN about me getting kicked out of school for selling “spliffs” to the posh kids. They weren’t weed, they were big rollies and I would smoke them with them and act all high and it worked. Eventually I was found out, there was a whole mess and I got kicked out. Well, I got asked to leave. I had got a scholarship to go to the good school, from a very bad school. In all honesty, I just saw that the kids there were melts and I thought I could make a quick buck. Very silly, very stupid, a little bit of the entrepreneurial spirit tho I’ll give myself that.
So now my DN knows this, she’s got a right little attitude. Telling me I can’t lecture her and that I can’t say shit. I don’t think I’ve actually lectured her, I’ve mentioned it once and then I helped her with the letter.
In another context, it would have just been a silly and funny anecdote (I know someone is going to comment saying I should be locked up and that I’m a hardened criminal and that it’s not funny at all) but because of the context I think it was inappropriate of him to tell her. I know her mum will absolutely flip when she finds out he’s told her as well. Me and SIL get on really well and I love her, but she will be fucking raging. She’s already raging to be honest, but she could definitely flip at this, but that’s my brother’s problem.
I know he was probably just trying to make my niece feel better because her mum is giving her shit. I get it. Also at the end of the day she’s not my kid, it’s not my business to decide what she does and doesn’t know. But also, it is my personal information.
I'm not going to kick off at my DB, to be honest I just kind of wanted a rant. My only real concern is that she will tell my kids. Mind you, they’re 5 and 3 so they don’t know what a spliff is. I just don’t want them knowing mummy got kicked out of school. I do also want her to lose the attitude with me, and stop calling me a drug dealer. I didn’t even deal any real drugs.

You're being unreasonable - it’s not your place to be angry, she’s not your kid and you’re a criminal. Go to jail.
You’re not being unreasonable - he shouldn’t have told her this, it’s made her catch an attitude.

I wouldn’t be pissed off at this.
I’d just say that since you made the same mistake, you are disappointed that she has and want her to be better behaved than you were because now you’re an adult you can see how silly it was x

Whole family needs to grow up and show some respect towards school etc.

That’s not the point though. OP’s brother had no right telling OP’s private business like that.

I know he was probably just trying to make my niece feel better because her mum is giving her shit. I get it.

I bet he did worse stuff, why didn’t he share one of his own stories?

Why not? It's not a secret, lots of people must know about it. OP should just own her shit.

I am extremely tempted to go tit for tat with him, but unfortunately I do think that would make things much worse. You’re right tho I was the golden child compared to him, he couldn’t be excluded because he rarely even showed up 😭. We have both definitely worked hard to better ourselves and I am proud of myself and him because statistically, we are the anomaly. I think that’s why I am annoyed, because it does trigger me a bit. I feel really silly getting wound up by a 16 year old.

Personal fuck up stories are powerful tools for helping young ones , but in this case i think your brothers timing was off , he should be making her feel better after she gets back in college, when it’s all over he can tell her what you did , right now she needs to be reflecting and taking accountability for her actions and feeling humbled , but hey ho parents make mistakes

I hate all this talk of your Sil “fucking raging”. “she will flip “ maybe her mum needs to learn to control her aggression and role model that to her daughter its not a helpful reaction

can you tell her what you did to put it right and make a success of yourself ?

I get where you're coming from but you could turn this around to a different angle such as you messed up and you're disappointed because she is capable of so much more etc. I had a troubled upbringing and i'm honest with my dd (10) about it when things come up. She knows why I want certain things for her, she's a really bright kid and is made for so much more than I had and I want her to have the opportunities for a good life rather than the ones myself and her dad had. A positive could come of this.

Yeah, I reckon I would be a bit pissed off too. But it is also really dumb and short sighted by your brother! They surely want her to understand the seriousness of the situation not think 'oh well, auntie Jane did worse and it was all fine'

Why doesn’t the brother tell one of his own worse stories? He’s made his sister look shit for no reason.

This was all decades ago, the niece shouldn’t know about her aunt’s personal business.

SIL is a great mum but you’re definitely right she can be a bit intense. Not bad to the kids or anything, she’s got a lot of patience for them but I know sometimes my brother gets a right telling off. Rightly so tho, I remember living with him so I sympathies with her. His heart is in the right place, but he doesn’t think things through sometimes.

I like the idea of telling her about how I put it right. I am also glad she has taken it upon herself to apologise and I think she’s on the right path. I am also realising she is annoying me so much because she reminds me of myself … my poor mother.

Id be annoyed because it sounds like he told her to undermine you. Like he’s almost jealous that she goes to you when in trouble so he told her to ruin your relationship.

I would use it to your advantage, tell her that you lived that life and what impact it had on you, and how you’ve faced barriers to get your life back on track.

I get you are upset but an anecdote of something stupid you did as a teen is not personal information. I think most families have a few stories like that. Whether it's getting in trouble in school or an imaginary friend etc, it's embarrassing but normal. That said if you specifically ask for them not to tell anyone then he shouldn't have. As for the kid now saying you can't lecture me etc, well you absolutely can, it's the cliché 'don't make the same mistakes I made' speech that is used by a single mother, or former party girl or college drop out since the dawn of time. Maybe tell her how deeply embarrassing it is for you, she might actually listen. Talk to your DB too and say how you feel. Your SIL can get over it, that's way too big an overreaction.

Can you try to show your niece that yes, you and your DB made seriously poor choices when you were young, but you have both worked very hard to redress the balance and become decent, hard working citizens? You made mistakes, your DB made mistakes, your DN has now made a mistake. We're all at home to Mr Cock-up. What matters now and did then, is what you do to make up for it. You've tried hard to improve matters, it would great - and hugely beneficial - to your DN if she can do that.

When we're young is the best time for misjudgements and bloopers, it's a learning opportunity. Trying to put wrong things right is showing developing maturity, taking an attitude to her elders is not.

I hate people telling stories that aren't theirs to tell, your brother was massively unreasonable

To be honest I would be surprised if everyone in your family didn't already know. It's the kind of tale that would have made you a legend in our family.
Your brother probably tried to show his daughter that what has happened isn't the end of the world. Auntie X was expelled too and look how well she has done.

Explain to her how much harder you had to work and how much effort to took to stay the course once you got sorted - not to mention the time it took and the costs of education once you are an adult. Explain how hard it is to go back to educational settings as an adult and when she does go back she will be out of her peer group

You are so focusing on the wrong thing here. Who cares about your distant teenage past, ultimately? But someone or something has given your niece the idea that it’s acceptable to piss away opportunities, and I’m going to guess it’s your brother. That’s the problem here.

To be honest I don’t think it’s him or my SIL. Their other kids are all very well behaved, but my niece is the oldest and they had her young. She is bright and I think she will grow up to be a good person, but her teen years have been very… difficult. She’s coming out of it now and really growing up, but this incident is a big set back. Which is why her mother is giving her such a hard time, she’s very upset by it. A couple of years ago though I was really worried and she was barred from our house for a while due to her being reckless around my children and I think that did shock her into changing. My kids absolutely love her, they are obsessed with her and she really dotes on them.