What do you make of these comments made by family members to a child?

[ThePiglet]

Inspired by the thread about forgiving your parents, I was wondering what others made of these comments that were made to me as a child/teenager:

• My aunt, when I was 11 telling me that I had a big nose (in front of my mum who didn't react)
• My mum when I was 11/12 telling me in front of dinner guests that I had a "big bum" (I went through puberty slightly early and was very self conscious).
• My mum saying "I don't care what anyone else says, you were never that fat" and referring to me having a weight problem. (I didn't, I had slight puppy fat in early puberty as lots of girls do).
• My father making jokes insinuating that I was ugly, e.g. "the girls at her school are so ugly, it makes ThePiglet look like a supermodel" (I was 12); when I was 14 I failed one of those "ideal career" tests and joked that it was a future of drug dealing or prostitution (not funny, but I was 14) and he said "with your face, I'd forget about prostitution".
• When I was 16 I backchatted my parents, but in quite a mild way, and my father replied that I was a "slag".

They genuinely never meant to hurt me, but they thought looks/weight commente were "jokes". After the slag comment I burst into tears and spent the morning crying in my room, and when I told my father that it hurt, he got really upset "I didn't mean it like that".

I'm late 30s if that helps, so this was late 90s/early 00s and attitudes to body shaming were quite different.

Also, various comments about me being square, or straightlaced, or like Saffy from AbFab.

They aren't particularly nice comments but I would guess that the people who made them were socially inept rather than abusive, unless of course there was other stuff going on too?

I’m confused. What sort of reaction are you expecting here?

Nobody is going to say “oh yes, they’re fine”, because this kind of attitude towards children is exactly what leads to body issues.

I don't see why you're confused. It's obvious I don't think these comments are "fine" and I doubt many other posters would. I'm not "expecting" any reaction, I'm curious about what other people's reactions are.

What horrible people, I just can't imagine anyone normal speaking to their young daughter this way. I mean, I gather they were a bit rough, but even so...

Poor you, and well done for growing up a decent normal person, despite them. Do you have much to do with them now?

It’s sad. I think a lot of British culture consists of what we’d like to call light hearted banter, but when directed at children it becomes mean spirited and abusive. I had to be very mindful of what I said around my daughter because I also felt undermined by this pattern as a child and was beginning to repeat it.

You already know what other people’s reactions are going to be though 🤷‍♀️

They're horrible comments.
What did he think "slag" meant? I consider it to be an offensive term for a woman who has many casual sex partners. Why would he call his daughter a slag? Did he mean cheeky or bad mannered?!

I think this was surprisingly common in that era - I saw a lot of it. It was mostly meant as banter rather than any deliberate attempt to hurt.

However, it hurt people, mostly girls, because of the emphasis on appearance which has always held girls and women to a much higher standard and equated worth with attractiveness.

Pockets of this still persist but the current generation are much more switched on about this sort of thing. When it’s used now, more often it’s with deliberate intent.

To be blunt they all sound quite rough! Prostitution, big bum, slag… who talks this way around a child/at all, really weird.

I'm sorry this was your experience OP.
These type of comments are the type that chip away at your confidence and self esteem.

They weren't rough at all. Upper middle class professionals. I had a private education, horse riding lessons etc.

The prostitution comment was mine. We'd done one of those "what career is right for you" computer tests at school and I'd messed around so it came back with nothing. The school wanted me to show my parents (because I'd been messing around) so I prefaced it with a "joke" about oh well it's drug dealing or prostitution then. Not seriously; I was a 14 year old being a little sarky.

Thank you all for the comments. They were very loving parents mostly, and I still have a lot to do with the living one. I was thinking about these comments because it struck me as something that's changed a lot in the last 20 years - I think "banter" of this sort was a lot more common, and comedy humour could be quite cruel. My parents were quite socially inept, so I think they accidentally took it too far.

I don't know how it has affected me. I have struggled with confidence and self esteem, particularly around looks, weight etc, throughout my teens and adult life, but I don't know how much of it was down to other factors. Society was a lot more openly judgmental of weight and looks when I was growing up.

I meant their behaviour more than anything - rough around the edges! You do say yourself they were socially inept. I still think the prostitution comment is weird. I would have known that comment completely inappropriate to make in front of a parent at 14, and certainly wouldn’t have received that response from my father if I had. Did you often think your friends parents seemed different, did you ever have friends to visit/stay at yours or did you avoid it?

It’s a pity this has impacted you (it would impact anyone!) but luckily it seems your education gave you the critical skills to question it and know that it’s not OK.

I wasn't raised with 'banter' of that kind, I am 53 and my parents only every complimented me and my dsis. I don't like it and would never speak to someone I loved that way. I guess if your parents were raised that way themselves, they just don't know any different.

My exMIL speaks to people like that but believes that she herself is gorgeous, I always found it so peculiar.

if there was no malice intended then why let these things run free in your head?!

I mean what is the point?

FWIW I grew up with much worse but just like with you there was no malice or ill intent and that’s the way I took it then and the way I look back on it

Slapper was the word though not slag. Even that word would have been too much for a child even from these people 😂

Whorebag
You're nowt
Trying to be and can't
Wish we'd never had you
Your mum's a cheat no child of mine would be as big a pain as you
You're a kid you can't have feelings
Jumped up little twat
Think you're so clever you little piece of nothing

Heard these from 6-16 regularly.

Awful comments and any adult of any era should have more common sense then to put a child down focusing on physical attributes

All of the comments you’ve listed are horrendous and they must have had a real and negative impact on you.

somethings only considered good humour if both parties find it funny.