Mum has blocked me

[lilliaa]

So basically I had a very abusive upbringing by my parents mainly my mother.

She has a really nasty streak in her, would tell me she wished I was dead, leave me to babysit my siblings at 10, make me cook, do housework.
I never had a childhood at all.
They threw me out at 16 for having a black boyfriend.

Anyway I rebuilt my life, met an amazing man, had my own family etc.
I still had the occasional contact with them that they would initiate.
Sometimes I could go for years without seeing them.

My kids have never met them due to my mother’s nastiness. She has a habit of making nasty comments about my appearance I.e “Your getting fat, you need to lose weight”.

Anyway I posted a Mother’s Day tribute for my MIL and for my best friend’s mom who have both been the mother’s I never had.

I never sent her a happy Mother’s Day message as I’m not fake and she has never been a mother too me.
She started calling and calling demanded to know why I was embarrassing her and why I hadn’t sent her a card etc.

At this point we haven’t seen each other since 2023 and not spoken since end of January.

I told her a few home truths like she isn’t a mother to me, reminded her of her abuse, she said to me “Why didn’t I wish my other kids to die and only you”.?

Because my husband is wealthy and she has been to our house once, she was making assumptions that we would pay for her and my father’s care when the time came.

I told her under no circumstances would I ever help them with any care, not to ever ask me, and not to expect it due to what they put me through and still put me through.
I have never received an apology from them.
They have never helped me in life.
They would even keep the child benefit money and my best friends mom would have to give me bus money etc.

She will see a status and then demand to know who it is/ what it means etc.
I also told her she has no right to ask me any questions and from this point on I won’t be answering any questions as she only contacts me to be nosey.

She blocked me after I said this to her last night.
I was polite in my communication with her and was never rude like she is too me.

I actually feel free now.
Like all that pain and burden has been lifted after all these years.

I know she only blocked me because I told her I wouldn’t be bankrolling or looking after them later in life and that is what she expected.

I probably won’t see them again and she even said “don’t bother coming to our funerals either bitch”.

AIBU?
Shall I be expected to help?

If you block her on SM she won't be able to see any of your posts.

Her blocking you is the best thing. Cut the strings now and have an amazing life.You deserve it. She's been no mother to you. I'm so sorry.

Being blocked is a blessing, you're free to get on with your life now. No bankrolling, no guilt trips

Oh and don't help her or care for her. She never looked after you as a child. What goes around comes around...

Oh op 🥺

I'm estranged from my mum, siblings and nasty step dad. It hurts so much to not have them love me, especially as they love my siblings. But our estrangement was for the best.

It's been 5 years and I am so okay. You need to really cut ties with them all. Block all of them on everything. Posting statuses that you know that they will see was bound to cause an argument, which I think you know.

It's time, for your kids sake and for your own sanity to work towards healing from their abuse. And the way to do that is to cut ties.

My dm thought that I'd be the one to take care of her when she gets old. She's deluded. Funny how I was such a bully who they had to tread on eggshells around but was expected to take care of her 😭

You're a woman who doesn't have a relationship with her birth family. But you've created your own and your kids will never know that pain. It's time to accept it and focus on moving on 🥺💕💕

I'm so sorry you had her for a mother.

Block her completely so that she can never contact you again. You're worth being free of her.

Shall I be expected to help?

Help with what?

It doesn't actually matter what your mother or the rest of your family 'expect' you to help with - you are perfectly within your rights to tell them to fuck off. You're not obliged to help or even speak to them. Your mother is clearly abusive and personally if I were you, I'd never speak to her again.

Hi
In their later years they are expecting myself and siblings to help them out with general care etc when it comes to that stage.

My siblings were also abused but they still talk to them but it’s a very strained relationship between but better than mine.

I have an aunt whose kids (my cousins) rotate their work schedule so a sibling is with her every day and they pay for a cook and cleaner as well - that is is what they want us to do for them.

But the difference is my aunt and late uncle were brilliant parents and were fantastic people hence why kids do so much for my aunt.

Its like every milestone in my life they have missed/not bothered with.

Even something as learning to drive, it was my best friends father that taught me at the age of 29 as my parents refused to help me with lessons when I did want to learn at 17.
I went through a lot or dark times as result of having to live on my own as a teen and they were never there for me/ didn’t care.

It is a blessing that she has blocked me but she has a way of trying to make me feel guilty I.e “You have me post natal depression and my vision deteriorated after you were born”.

I just feel free, I talk to everyone else in the family like aunts, uncles, cousins, apart from my parents.

Hi OP,

Your mother, and father, sound like nightmares, abusive and neglectful and irrational. You don't owe them anything. Block them, delete them from your life.

You sound worried you will be dragged back into their lives when they age - that's an understandable fear, you escaped and you don't want to go back.

But you're not a little girl anymore, you're no longer the child they so badly let down.

You can say no. And you can mean it. No one can force you to give them your time, money or more headspace.

Make sure your siblings know you will not be helping the parents in the future and not to count on that. It's your siblings' choice what they do, they don't get to make that choice for you.

And now you don't even have to go to their funerals, you will be respecting their wishes!

Best of luck, and good on you for breaking free. Keep breaking the cycle with love for your kids.

Block your mum and try and not give her another thought. Do not even contemplate helping your parents, either practically or financially in their old age.

Even if your siblings want to help, do not be blackmailed into helping as well. It's their choice to help her, even after an abusive childhood but you are perfectly reasonable to make a different choice.

Carry on with your tributes to the lovely women who have treated you like their own daughter and who have behaved like the mother that you should have had but didn't.

Bless you @lilliaa . You have absolutely no obligation to help them when they have gone out of their way to crush your spirit.

Be free, block them forever and feel absolutely no guilt (easier said than done, I know. I'm sorry). Honestly, you have done the best thing for you and your loved ones by dropping the rope and not letting them drag you under. They are the architects of their own isolation. Cut them right off, block on all media and continue to enjoy your freedom. You owe them literally nothing.

You might find a couple of the long-running threads on MN helpful to read. There is the "Stately Homes" thread here February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet so-called because the originator's parents were similar to yours but denied that their childhood was abusive because they'd taken them to National Trust properties.

The other recommendation is for the Cockroach Cafe - Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025 | Mumsnet a space where posters can get advice and support for dealing with elderly, often difficult and/or abusive, relatives. Hopefully you won't really need this second one, as you will have cut them off entirely before it gets to this point and your freedom is complete.

And pay no heed to those (on here or elsewhere) who pronounce themselves horrified that you could "ever speak that way about your parents". "You only get one mum" is a favourite standard, as is "I could never do this to my family, they gave birth to you!". Drown those voices out. Those people are lucky enough to have had normal, loving, healthy family relationships. They cannot understand the damage done by parents such as yours and will never get it, because happily for them they never had to. Their judgement and criticism of you is valueless.

And please don't blame yourself. This is NOT your fault. You sound like a lovely, strong person despite, not because of, your parents. I'm sorry that you had such mediocre people pretending to parent you. It's not fair. It's OK to be angry and to grieve for the childhood you never had. But it wasn't your fault that they treated you like this. Block and don't look back.

This is another helpful resource for people trying to do their best in similar family situations: Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD. In this case, "FOG" stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. The sorts of things you feel when trying to pull free from toxic family like this.

Wishing you all the best for the future. x

Oh OP, I feel for you.

I am fortunate not to have suffered to way you have. I would agree with others, block all your social media and change your settings so that friends of friends cannot see your posts.

Your parents don't deserve anything from you and quite rightly you have refused to give them any help. Draw a line in the sand and enjoy the rest of your life free from them.

What a disgusting woman and horrible parents to have. That's great you now feel free. Brilliant. I'd also now block them on everything so as no way for them ever to get back in touch. You are most definitely not being unreasonable, you do not need to help with nor should the cheeky b*tch expect you to. I hope you don't go to their funeral. Enjoy your amazing life from now on 🥳🥳🥳

There is a modern saying “The trash has taken itself out” which sounds exactly like what has happened to you. I wish you every happiness in your life, you deserve it!

Block her back so she can never contact you again.
If asked by siblings tell them you will not discuss them or want to hear about them.

Put them in your past.
They are nothing to you.

My mum cut contact with me 6 years ago. It was the best thing she has ever done for me. The healing I have done since then is immense. Enjoy it op.

@REP22- thank you so much for your kind words and advice.
I will take a look at that thread, it can be very difficult to talk to friends about it as they all had nice kind parents with loving upbringings.

Even my DH really struggles to understand what I have been through and thinks that the kids are missing out on having relationships with their grandparents.

Thank you to everyone for your kind messages, I will block her on all social media and hope she doesn’t decide to knock on my door one day.

I think she probably kept lines of communication open in the belief/hope I would help with their care in later years but now that I firmly told her it would not be happening she blocked me as I am of no use to her.

There isn’t one maternal bone in her body, she is a very cruel woman and I am relieved I don’t have to deal with her anymore and can now fully move on with my life.

I'm almost 2 years on from going fully NC with an abusive parent.

I've found it's not a linear healing process, ups and downs - from feeling very free and relieved, to feeling very heartbroken and confused by all of it.

As my lovely adult D said to me at the point I finally went NC, You've got to protect your peace, enough is enough now.

I pass that advice to you, lovely OP... Protect your peace.

Wishing you well with your healing process. 💐

I'm sorry you had that experience OP.

The trash has taken itself out, she's done you a favour blocking you.

You owe her nothing. Live the rest of your life free & happy.