Fed up to the back teeth with my manner

[Rubyinthedust81]

Still feeling hollow and processing. DH stated he is fed up to the back teeth with my manner (sic) making reference that I am always having a go at the kids and nagging. He could not cite recent examples referred to scenarios a while back. For context issue with SIL before Xmas he blamed me for my manner towards her but then apologised.
It’s been bought up again I feel his statements are over exaggerated and out of context. I look out for my neighbours and friends, help out with school activities and show kindness and respect to his parents. For info I do all the cooking and planning meals laundry, garden, monitor tech use and homework have a difficult teenager who is picking up on what dh is saying.
I spend most evenings upstairs so rarely speak to him in the evening. We have family meals together.

Getting to the point where I don't want to
open my mouth checking everything I say or do. Feel my character and personality has been attacked.
wwyd? Have you been in a similar situation? How would you tackle this? don’t have the energy to challenge fight back but need him to take accountability for his actions.
nb not in a position to leave work part tIme planning to have Easter break with out him.
counselling is v expensive not an option.

How exactly do you think things will change OP? You don't want to challenge him, you don't want to leave - are you just hoping he'll suddenly have a change of heart and start being nice?

I don't know if his complaints about your manner are justified or not - it does sound like you don't have much of a relationship with you doing all the work in the home and spending all evening apart not speaking. It sounds like a miserable existence.

Do you not think, if you were to split up, you might both be happier?

I don't know why '(sic)' cracked me up so much 🤣

Too hard to say really OP because we don't know what your manner is like.

You say he apologised after the SIL issue but could that just have been to keep the peace?

Men accusing women of 'nagging' is a way of shutting them down. It means they don't have to discuss their own behaviour.

If you don't want to leave just carry on . . . nothing will change, it'll probably get worse.

He's just dragging you down to try and justify why he treats you poorly and makes you do all the housework. He's a nasty piece of work by the sounds of it. I would leave if I were you.

You might want to move your thread to the relationships board Op, rather than AIBU.

He doesn’t sound very nice at all . If you are unable to leave now, can you make a long term plan, perhaps to get better paid or more working hours, so this becomes feasible? It would at least empower you if you felt that you don’t have to stick around and put up with his bullshit.
It will impact on your children unfortunately, and I can well imagine a tricky teen imitating their horrible parent in order to put you down. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

All of this.

You're doing most of the work and when it becomes clear you're pissed off, he heckles you.

He needs to start doing his fair share. See if his manner improves when he has less time on his hands.

Agree.

It's difficult because your relationship sounds crap. but need him to take accountability for his actions - makes you sound like you're his boss.

How are you meant to have a relationship if you don't talk to him? It sounds like you're overwhelmed, not getting much help and are cranky and resentful.

Most people would be if they were exhausted and not getting any help.

I would start by having a conversation when you've got time to talk and listening to what he has to say without getting defensive. Then let him know how you feel and why you avoid him.

It’s difficult to paint the full picture on a post, DH works long hours is on site then invoices at night, it is because I work pt I have more time for house hold chores, cost of living high rents high house prices are not easy to come by it’s all very well saying leave practically is more difficult.

It’s not an option to leave on part time hours high rents and high house prices I would rather find ways to tackle this but agree not helping if we are not talking or spending time together.

If you can’t afford to separate but don’t want to be married can you separate in the house
I.e divide up the chores and areas of responsibility so you are both in agreement and split the house ?
if he’s a builder can he convert to two flats build a granny flat/ office thing in garden
and divorce and separate properly later ?

Agree needed to keep the peace but I questioned why my behaviour has been held to account and not hers don’t feel he has my back and is not always complimentary in front of friends and family.

You both sound communication nightmares. Put aside some time to do something together, just the two of you, and once a bit more relaxed, talk to each other. Try and find out what it is that makes you want to avoid him, why he thinks you are as he sees you. It’s cheaper than therapy or leaving, and should be the first thing you do, you can decide what needs to happen from there on. Sort the nightmare teen out together, find out if it’s possible to do more together, including some of the child care and household chores. If this fails, then start thinking of other options.