Did we make the right move? Struggling to settle after relocating

[TheCalmCat]

Hi everyone, I’d love some advice please.

We recently (4 months ago) moved back to my hometown to be closer to family. The plan made sense—more space as we could
afford a bigger house here and family support nearby (including help with childcare). But now that we’re here, I can’t shake the feeling that we might have made the wrong decision.

The place we moved from was much more cosmopolitan, and we lived in a lovely village with a really nurturing school and a great sense of community. I also made some lovely mum friends at the old school who were such a support to me, and I’m really missing them.

My 7-year-old has moved in Y2 and has settled a bit better than I expected at her new school, but I can’t see who she will be really good friends with yet. A lot of the girls in her class don’t seem to share her interests, and many of them are quite sassy, while she’s a much gentler, more sensitive child. This worries me because friendships were such a big part of what made her old school feel so special. I can’t help but feel she’s getting on with it at school because we made the decision to move.

I’m also struggling with the overall environment of the school—it doesn’t feel as nurturing as her old one, and some of the children seem a lot rougher than what she was used to. There weren’t spaces in other schools when we moved, and I’m not sure if they’d be any different anyway. My youngest is 2 and she’s too young to notice much change, so that’s less of a concern.

For me, the biggest struggle is that I don’t feel like myself here. I miss where we used to live more than I expected, especially my mum friends, the school community and diversity. I feel a bit limited here, and while I know we haven’t been here long, I can’t tell if this is just a natural adjustment period or if this move will never really feel right.

On top of that, my commute has now doubled—from 1 hour to 2 hours each way—on the two days a week I go into the office. We thought this would be manageable since I wouldn’t be working there forever, but I’m actually really enjoying my job, and there’s a chance for progression, which makes it feel like more of a sacrifice.

My parents and sisters are lovely, and it is nice to be close to them. But I got so used to being independent, and moving away from my hometown was a big part of that, and where I found my confidence and felt like I really grew as a person. Now that I’m back (after 20 years), I almost feel like I’ve gone backwards in time. I don’t know if that feeling will pass or if it’s a sign that this isn’t the right place for us long-term. Would I be crazy to move away again, even though family support is such a big benefit? We can manage without childcare but it’s nice to have.

My husband is more neutral—he’s not unhappy here, but he wasn’t as attached to our old home as I was. He’s taking the “let’s give it time” approach, which I do understand. I’m not rushing to make any big decisions, but I also don’t want to ignore my gut feeling if it’s trying to tell me something. I cry most days at the moment and feel so conflicted.

For those who have moved and struggled to settle, how did you know whether to stick it out or accept it wasn’t right? How long did it take before you felt at home—or did you eventually decide to move again? Have you moved away from family even though you have a good relationship with them?

Surely the elephant in the room is how your family are going to feel if you move back though @TheCalmCat

Have you told them how you feel? Is it going to be a slap in the face is you tell them you wish you hadn't moved? Would you have to come up with another reason fro returning that sounds plausible?

On paper, I should move back to my own county to the town where my family live. On paper, it makes sense for a hundred different reasons but....I can't bear the thought of seeing so much of them all. I love them, don't get me wrong but it's Christmas and Easter and occasional drop in for a brew currently and I know for a fact I couldn't handle them if they were on my doorstep again. I'm sure they would be sick of the sight of me PDQ too. As you say, quality over quantity.

I did this move back to my hometown recently (last five years).

I missed my old friends dearly, our house move went more pear shaped than I could have imagined and we ended up in a house that we like very much but wasnt the one we moved for.

Lots very different here. Different types of people at the schoolgate, different lifestyles. Much less culture and diversity now (a shame but not far to travel to our nearest cities for a fix) far fewer cars, pollution and traffic jams (a huge plus).

Being closer to family is fantastic. Having more space is fantastic. I miss my old job, colleagues and friends but now at two-three years post move the sadness is fading and it feels like home here.

Give it two years and see how you feel. 4 months is far too soon.

@TheCalmCatI didn’t move home, but did move from a big city to a tiny village. So I was expecting a decent bit of regret. Some things have been nicer, the quietness and the stars. We’ve met <drum roll> two parents so far at the kids’ school. This is a lot less than I expected! My city was kind of nosey but it’s quite restrained here. I think it will take more like a year or two to better settle. I’ve one kid who adores the place, and one who misses city life a lot. If I’m honest with myself, we really can’t afford the city anymore due to a range of factors, so I guess that makes me try to make the best of it. Good luck xx

I think you're probably expecting to move in and it feel perfect but it's meant you're focusing on each detail. Could you try to accept it's new and try to reduce comparison to your old house and find positives where you are. You're enjoying your job, your daughter seems fine and it's you who is analysing her school, your husband seems ok. Take the small wins and one day at a time.

Thank you @Whichhousetochoose you’re not rambling at all, it’s helpful!
very similar, we moved to have the bigger ‘forever home’ and close to family but feel we may have compromised too much. The vision of living here vs the reality are quite different.
On paper a lot of things are ok but my heart isn’t in (yet) and the thought of being here long term now is making me anxious.
Im so glad your DD is happy that makes it so much better!

@Crochetmum83 thats really helpful, exactly as you’ve said there’s lots different. I hope I feel better in time too, it’s hard to know at what point to make changes if my feelings don’t change, in the back of my mind I’m thinking about the possibility of moving children schools again, but after 2 years my DD would be Y4 and my youngest DD would be in nursery so it’s still doable I guess?

That’s a great perspective @Loubelou71 and you’re right there are lots of small wins, it’s just this heart feeling I can’t get rid of and I think the school environment is what I’m finding one of the hardest things (even though DD is doing ok on the face of it) time will tell

@TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa my family would be upset but would still support us and I feel I could be honest with them why.
It would be really hard though don’t get me wrong but don’t want to settle somewhere that doesn’t feel right in my gut despite being closer to family. I have always thought about what it would be like to live closer to my family so whatever happens maybe this is a learning and at least I’ll know either way.

It’s secondary school that matters - which has the best secondary -also help with childcare is worth its weight in gold

You have to give it time, sometimes a long time. I didn't really appreciate where I live until lock down in 2020 (5 years after we moved!) and it was so much better than where we used to be. I also appreciate DC's secondary school (it's not that far off with a DD in Y2!). The traffic is much better than where we used to live. I have a drive which is so much easier to park on. I don't like our house as much but the other house was out first house so it'll ashtrays have a discouraging place and it was too small. The people, the area, took a long time to grow on me. It was faaaar less diverse than where we used to live in London. I have made friends though (managed to find a few non English people!). I was unhappy for a couple of years but it was still the right decision in the long term and I can see that now.

We did a big move in 2023, and we struggled at first simply because of the school that my daughter was at. It took a while to figure it out, but it was just too different to our old, lovely school. The kids weren’t viable friends for our daughter, the parents were not friendly, and the general vibe was off. Once we moved school, everything else started to feel better. At primary school level, it makes a huge difference to how the overall community feels to the whole family.

You are right of course and I envy you because you have somewhere you love.

I moved here in 1996 and for the first few years hated it. I love it now but it's still not home. I really dislike the locals too.

I met DH and he loves it here and he is a dialysis patient so moving would be difficult. We have three dialysis centres within a 14 minute drive here.

I have no-where in the world I think of as home but I know I will leave here when I am a widow. I'm hoping I will think of somewhere or go on holiday and want to stay.

Follow your heart.

@Hannahthepink I completely agree, a big part of what’s making me feel so bad is how different the school is. How long did it wait until you changed schools again? How old was your child? Were they op moving again?

Yes there is a good secondary school here @PrincessOfPreschool equally as good as in the last area. I know it will creep up quickly, I think that is what is putting the pressure on to decide if this is right or not, because if it’s not I’d have to move DD again. I worry if I wait too long (a couple of years) it will be harder to move back but I guess she would
still be in primary school at my youngest DD
still in nursery. I’m glad you’re happy now 😊

Reading this thread with interest OP as we are considering a move back to where DP grew up. Similar size market town but in East Anglia.
We love where we live now (been here since 2017) but we are finding life in the SE increasingly unaffordable and the future is a worry financially.
It's such a huge decision though - my main concern would be DD7 who is so happy here (younger one is just 3 and won't be at school until 2026 but even with that Wed have to get a move on to register for yr R Sept entry).

I'd be interested to know how things go with youm hope, hope it all works out.
Sorry no particular advice!

We stuck it out at our initial school for two and a half terms, so almost a full year. Then we just pulled ourselves together, realised that we had the power to change it, and moved her. She was in year 3, and we obviously worried about the impact on her of another school move, but we felt like we had nothing to lose. She has made some real friends this year and feels much more at home.

Wow do I relate with this right now! I moved away for college, married my husband in the same state, and we created a whole life there (favorite restaurants, side jobs, career, etc.) Plan was to move closer to my parents and this year we finally did it. I immediately regretted it. Something I always wanted to do but when it finally happened I wasn’t as happy about it as I thought I’d be (I have struggled with my relationship with my parents, especially my step mom: not very supportive, reliable, does what’s convenient for her, etc.) anyways, we found out we were expecting our first 9 days before we moved. We are now moving back and will have only been here 6 months (luckily only renting). I’m anxious to tell my parents but I know this isn’t right for us, maybe a few years ago we would have had time to waste and see if we like it, but we just don’t want to start all over down here. I totally get that gut feeling of regret, but also agree with giving it time too. But at the end of the day, do what you and your husband wants, not what your family wants. Good luck!