To wonder if I should stop trying with my mother?

[farthingwoodhedgehog]

Hi all. Not a new poster. Name changed because this felt a bit personal.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I don't think I want to go no contact with my mother, because it would mean losing the already distant relationship I have with my two youngest siblings, who still live with her. But our relationship has broken down to the point where, in my eyes, it's almost like a parody of a mother daughter relationship. It's a hollow shell.

I don't want to drip feed, but the basic background is: poor family, alcoholic dad, undiagnosed bipolar mum, too many kids. I was the "good one" growing up. Quiet, well-behaved, did well in school. But no confidence, and no real friends. Hit with a crippling depression at 18 when it all sort of came crashing down on me. I'm 34 now and feel like I never really got back on my feet. I've watched a few videos about childhood ptsd and think that might be a thing that's happening with me. It would fit.

My relationship with my mum has always been a bit rocky. When I was doing well, I didn't get much of her attention, but I felt that she was proud of me and loved me. When I was struggling, she couldn't help. There were a couple of occasions where I really needed her and got rejected when I reached out for help. It's made it very hard to trust her.

Our relationship can seem good on the surface. We meet up and I make a big effort to be the smiley happy funny version of me I know she wants to see, and it's fine. As long as I'm the adult friend who is having fun with her, and not the depressed child who needs something, it's fine. But that reality is getting harder to live with.

We see each other more and more rarely now. It used to be every few weeks. Now months will pass between meet ups. That's partly my fault. I try to meet her only when I can be the version she wants to see, and it's getting harder to put that game face on, so I keep putting off seeing her. There have been times where I slipped and revealed some unhappiness. The consequences reminded me why I don't. But it's getting so hard to bottle up that side of me, because it's pretty much all there is these days. Life is so miserable and a childish part of me just wishes I had a real mum to make it more bearable. To take care of me a bit.

We have very little contact now. About once a month she'll send me some link on WhatsApp, with no context, and I try to find something to say back. Sometimes I do and we have a few lines of meaningless conversation about a tv show or something. And then radio silence again. She never asks how I am, because she knows it's not good and she doesn't want to hear it.

I suppose I'm just looking for advice. I don't want to cut off my own mother, but this whole situation feels so damaging, and I don't know what to do. I want to cry every time I really think of it. But I can't stand the stress and drama and the finality of going NC with her. It will make me feel awful, and despite everything, I don't want to hurt her. I just don't think I can go on much longer the way I am. I'd really appreciate some advice. On how to handle this, how to stop being so upset about it . . . just anything really. I'm at a loss.

OP, you have choices here. You can carry on with things as they are which makes you miserable.

You can cut off contact with your mum and concentrate on making your own life better, happier, doing what you need to do to be fulfilled.

Or you can tell your mum how you're feeling and that you put on a 'happy face' for her because you feel that any show of sadness or vulnerability will result in her rejection of you.

What you cannot do is change who your mother is, how she behaves or copes with life. You can only control what your responses are. We teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. You do have the option to walk away, it doesn't have to be a lot of drama and upset.

Have you had any counselling to talk through all the issues from your childhood? It might help you decide what you need to do going forward.

Can't offer any advice but this broke my heart, big hugs to you 💐💐

I've thought about telling her how I feel, but I can't see it going well. I don't think she could have a conversation where she admitted to failing me or hurting my feelings. If confronted with that, I honestly think she'd be the one who would become angry and cut me off.

When I was eighteen and became quite badly depressed, the doctor I was seeing at the time tried to get her to sit in on some counselling sessions. She did it for one session, got really angry, and never went back. It sort of set the tone. There's a version of herself I don't think she likes to see reflected back at her. I honestly think she'd rather cut me off than deal with those feelings.

I don't know if it's possible to avoid the drama and upset either. When she decides someone has wronged her, the gloves come off and she can be nasty. She wouldn't say in so many words that my younger sisters couldn't have a relationship with me, but that's what would happen.

I've tried counselling on and off over the years, but I've struggled to connect with anyone I've seen so far. They all want to do talk therapy, and I don't find that helpful. It's not cathartic, rehashing everything. It makes me feel worse. And I just can't do a lot of the more hippy stuff, like talking to my inner child. I tried, I really did, but it's just not me.

I'm burned out on that kind of therapy. If I engage with it again, I want it to be more practical. Someone who helps me take action and come up with a plan. I don't want to feel like I'm just wallowing in misery. I've heard good things about eye movement processing, but I can't find anyone near me who offers it. I'm not sure I'd be a good candidate for it, if there's not a specific traumatic event I'm trying to heal, but I feel like that's the kind of thing I need. Some kind of system reset. I've always tried to be so mind over matter and just power through, but lately I can't. It's like I'm hitting a wall. I hate how fragile I feel, and how close it always is under the surface now. I used to be able to push things down deeper and get on with it.

I cried in the housing office last week. I got it under control quickly but it was humiliating. Tearing up in front of a stranger is not who I want to be

No advice really except maybe find someone to talk to. There are some good volunteer services about.
A big virtual (((HUG))) to you.💐

I have been through similar cycles over the last decade. For the last two years, I have decided on quite firm boundaries which, upsettingly, she seems not to have even noticed - but it has given me much needed space and I find the relationship less of a sore now. I also haven’t found therapy esp helpful although it did help me to see that her behaviour was unkind and always had been in clearer terms. I have good friends and a supportive partner so I lean on them when I need to (less since I’ve decided on boundaries).

I would like to give you some advice rather than just give you my version of a similar relationship but I don’t have much! I find others’ relationships with their Mum’s really painful (so I expect MD will have been very hard for you?). I’ve had a really tricky 18 months and I’ve longed and ached for a supportive parent. I try to remind myself of the good relationships I do have - but it’s still a hole.

It must be very difficult for her with untreated bipolar. She'll be unstable and erratic and I'm not surprised she's difficult to communicate with.

Your problem is that you've got an idea of what a mum should be and you keep expecting her to change. She's not going to change. She's bad at communication, has a serious mental illness and is self absorbed.

You keep expecting her to turn into Mary Poppins and are perpetually disappointed and crushed after seeing her.

You need to accept that this is who she is and find ways of managing her. Are the children living with her safe? They're living with an alcoholic and someone with untreated mental health problems.

No, don't tell her how you feel as she won't change and you'll be hurt again. Have you looked into CPTSD?

You need to grey rock her, keep conversation light, drastically lower your expectations and disengage so she doesn't affect you.