To consider writing a letter to a friend who keeps withdrawing and ignoring me?

[TheDandyCat]

I have a friend who, whenever there’s an issue or even just randomly, withdraws and ignores me. It’s happened before and I always seem to be the one to reach out first. This time, I’m debating whether to write a letter to express how I feel rather than letting things slide again.

AIBU to think this might help or is it pointless?

Just ignore her

Nope 🙂‍↔️ don’t chase someone… move on. Check out if that friendship

Ah , I forget how in Mumsnetland, we all have to be doing well, we all have to maintain friendships like our haircuts, anyone who doesn't conform is axed...

I'm a successful person, I have (to the exterior view) a great life. However what I do also have, is a handful of INCREDIBLE friends who six years ago recognised that my quietness at the time, my lack of engagement, was perhaps the beginnings or the signs poking through, of some mental health issues.

Thankfully I got through those ok, and have good family etc, not everyone is so lucky.

But my point is, I'm thankful for those friendships and those people who didn't look at me as if I was yoghurt that has gone off at the back of the fridge, and there's only one thing for it.

@Thestarsinthesky I hope you never need anyone the way I did.

An issue with what? With her life or with you?

It depends what the friendship means to you. Some people withdraw when they're going through something or don't deal well with confrontation.

Not sure what you’re upset about? Ehh I also have a fantastic group of friends and family around me

I don’t message all my friends non stop- I and they can go months without writing to each other and we pick up where we left off. My life is very busy and full. And I have day to day friends I make arrangements with so it’s necessary to contact each other.

However - the OP is upset. This is clearly not the norm for her . For me - yep I go for ages without talking to some friends - I have different levels of friendships. Old friendships where we meet a few times a year and meet up like we’ve seen each other every day and then day to day friendships where we see each other regularly.

Oh and I let my friends know- a month ago I said I’m off what’s app and not replying as I was exhausted and swamped. It tells them I’m not being rude but I need space from the non stop messages and plans and trips and organising social events. But I don’t ignore them - I’ve let them know and retreated.

This friend has clearly upset the OP- it’s not the normal behaviour for them. But I wouldn’t chase anyone, step back , let them do them.

I don’t understand what you think this will achieve.

Do you mean she has an issue with you and has withdrawn? Or she has general life issues?

When I’m going through tough times I withdraw from people/events/places/life. It’s not a deliberate thing, I just withdraw like a tortoise going back into its shell. I’d love to hibernate for months on end to be honest.

OP if you're going to confront, try to make sure it doesn't sound too accusatory as that will just get her back up and make her defensive. Just try reaching out and asking I'd everything is OK, as you've noticed she can go a little quiet sometimes.

She might not even realise she's doing it. She might apologise once she's realised it's something you've addresses with her. If she doesn't respond at all - that in itself is an answer.

I always think, with friendships it's always best to be open about how you feel. How else will your friends get to really know you, if you never open up?