Is husband depressed or end of marriage?

[Hopee25]

Hi all, I really just need to write down my feelings and maybe get some input from others as I can no longer cope with what’s happening.

So will try and make it short,

My husband lost his job a year ago now. We are very much dependent on it (I’m a stay at home parent and currently expecting our second child, we have a 3 year old).

He is still trying to get a job, and looks like we finally got one.
Last year he lost his father too, ever since these happened he is snappy, angry , brings up past issues, stays at late night, rather wakes up and browses the internet, in the morning he is moody, brings up financial issues, he has to pay the bills, I’m just using him etc, etc, completely unreasonable stuff most of the time.

Then he is ok again for a couple of hours and back at being horrible again. He says if he could just get his job back he would feel 100x better as he feels like he lost his identity.

He browses and sometimes watches tv shows with sexual content and this is just sending me to the next level of hopelessness. Is he feeling alright? Can all this be due to depression, he wasn’t like this at all, even a year and half ago. I don’t trust him anymore what he is doing in his phone. Is he loosing it? I told him we need to talk to a GP. I just don’t know, is it the end of us or is he fallen into depression?

not sure how long I can cope, I love him dearly, we have been married for 15 years now.

x

It is not possible for anyone here to say whether your DH is depressed. It certainly sounds like he's had a difficult bereavement and also lost a job that meant a lot to him and his identity. If we add to that the stress of jobhunting with a SAHW and DC to provide for, I think almost anyone would be worried, grumpy, miserable etc in his shoes.

As for what it means for your marriage: well surely part of that is down to you and what you are and are not prepared to put up with. It isn't an either / or thing with depression. If he is depressed, you might have a long road ahead of trying to support him to recover. Also just because someone is depressed doesn't mean they don't also have genuine grievances and concerns in their marriage.

I wonder why he is bringing up the things he is bringing up. Are there issues from the past that give him reason to be worried about your relationship or about how you view him? Do you think he resents you not working, especially given it seems that when he lost his job, you did not try to help plug the gap in the family finances yourself? (and please don't take this as SAHM-bashing - I hugely respect that choice and can be honest enough to say I would find it harder and more stressful than work - but you mention it like it is somehow your own career or identity when I presume you could work if needed?).

Maybe this is predominantly about his grief and identity - things he could work on in therapy, for instance - but maybe he is also unhappy in your marriage.

Either way it sounds tough for you and I wish you luck - it can't be easy to be around a DH acting like this towards you as you try to raise your DC.

@Greywarden thank you. I do work , only part time fitting it around our daughters needs, it was a joint decision for me me to care for our daughter and only do part time hours, obviously that’s nowhere near enough for 4 of us now. As for him bringing up bills and saying things like “can you pay now” or not allowed to wash with the washing machine feels more like he just wants to hurt me and frustrated.

It is definitely unreasonable for him to demand you start paying for things when he knows you currently can't and for him to restrict your access to the washing machine. If he's doing it to lash out and hurt you, that is a pretty horrible way for him to deal with his own stress.
What I would say is that the joint decision you made that you would work around caring for your daughter might not be able to stand. Obviously you are pregnant so this would probably not be the time for you to go back to work anyway, but longer term, I wonder whether he wants to change the deal. I suppose the reality is the financial situations change, marriages change, and sometimes it isn't possible for couples to stick to what they originally agreed.
Then again it sounds like there is more to this than money for him, and if he's treating you badly, that reflects really poorly on him.