Ex posts a thank you Mother’s Day post online each year but I don’t get to see it!

[Itsmehiya]

Ex sees teen DD x1 or x2 days per year and the arrangement has always been like that. He lives 2.5 hours from us but I also take her to his home town each Summer. He sometimes sees her then.

I’m very lucky in that my parents have always helped my DD fund and buy Mother’s Day cards etc for me. He has never offered to help her or has even reminded her of the day itself.

He sent me a text saying, “thank you for all you do for DD” yesterday and someone told me that I was also posted about on Facebook. I replied cheerfully.

Is the annual Facebook post weird? He has me blocked on Facebook (his choice- I haven’t done anything to warrant that). Is it odd that he is telling his Facebook friends that I am a “good” mother?! His home town is a close-knit community so everyone there will read it. A few are also my friends.

Performance thanking?!

The text is nice, it’s an acknowledgment as you do most of the childcare in your arrangement.

The online post is only weird because you can’t see it. But then again you were only informed of it second hand (assuming you’ve not seen a screen shot) so it could have been more generic like thank you to all the mothers out there - my mum, DCs mum, not like a shrine with your photo and a poem like some people do.

I saw a screenshot of the post-thanked me by name. Did also include a photo of his mum holding DD.

This is a man who chooses and is happy to only see his child once or twice a year. I’m not sure that there is very much in the world that is more weird than that.

Yes the FB message is a bit weird. But only a tiny bit weird compared to the “don’t care about seeing his child” weird.

True. I’m sort of over the shock of that as it has been a battle. DD is not bothered about seeing him much but they enjoy their day or two out each year- go from a meal/cinema etc. I guess the text is nice- and that’s how it was taken- but it is a bit ironic him thanking me for doing everything essentially! I no longer really even see it as his job it’s been so long.

My friends would definitely have made an online comment about him blocking you.

Perfectly fine, he's acknowledged you in a positive way.

Like every post like that on social media, it's not for the person it is written about. It is nice that he text you.

Ok, general consensus is that this is a Nice Thing.

My scepticism comes from a) his lack on involvement b) The fact that has (hugely) overstated his involvement amongst people in his hometown a lot in the past.

I just wondered if it was performative parenting in order to look more invested.

The people that we share as friends do not get involved as he is adamant that he is a great father and I’m sure they’ve no intention of starting a row about other peoples’ business.

As long as he doesn’t expect you to do the same for Fathers Day 🙄

I always send him a card and little gift- despite DD protesting. Just Moonpig or whatever so she doesn’t have to sign it. Feels like the right thing. Difficult to find a card without something like, “Best Dad” written on it but I manage. I don’t post a declaration online though!

I always send him a card and little gift- despite DD protesting.

That's interesting. Why prioritise his feelings over hers?

I think you might be right about performance parenting.

Maybe think about stoping the card and gift if dd would rather you didn’t.

I wouldn't exactly be wild about an absent father thanking/acknowledging me personally nor on Facebook. A neglectful father is not in any position to comment.

The way I see it is we have 21 months until DD is 16 and I no longer have to indulge this situation. If I have made every effort to encourage him for 16 years, and to be amenable, then I know that DD knows that he was always welcome in her life. It’s really about future-proofing our relationship. He has been known to say things to her like, “You don’t know the half of it…” in reference to me!

There are no dark secrets hidden from anyone, and she has 100% unwavering faith in me, as she should, but I don’t underestimate the power of someone potentially telling it differently 20 years down the line or something. She is always my first priority. I like to just keep things steady with him if I can.

He wants the Facebook world to think he is a wonderful father/man, when the opposite is true

It makes him look good. It gives the impression he’s an involved dad with a good co-parenting relationship.

It’s performative. He makes such an effort and is such a good dad. Even makes effort to acknowledge his ex on fb, thanks you for all you do.

Wont be telling people you’re blocked though. It’s not for you. It’s for his image.

It's to make himself look good.

Child abandoners are not dads, and shouldn't get gifts or acknowledged on Fathers Day, your child is right.

31% said I was unreasonable to think that and 69% thought it was about right.

He has a new GF and trying to impress her with how kind he is towards you. He's sucking her in and using you to do it.

Yes but remember ‘unreasonable’ is a weird concept. There were probably a lot of people who thought you were U to give a shit.

It’s all performative. To put on a show for people he knows so people will give him attention and praise and he’ll feel like a good guy. It’s not about you at all.

My mum is like this. We are NC and I’m also blocked on social media. 🤷🏻‍♀️ But back in the day when I could still see what she was posting or people would tell me, it was all about how lucky she was to be a grandmother and her amazing precious grandchildren…who I’ll note she hadn’t seen in years at that point.

She would also do things like post about what an incredible daughter she has (me, she only has one!) while literally in the same breath message me and tell me how terrible and ungrateful I am. She’d get lots of comments like “you’re such a great mum and granny! xx’ on her posts, so I think it scratched the itch of approval she was seeking, so she could continue to be horrible and disinterested in all of us.

I bet he gets praise for being a great dad as a result and that gives him an ego boost, even though he’s obviously a shit one. Only 2.5 hours away and sees his child once or twice a year. I used to have a longer daily commute than that! And I made sure I made it home nearly every night in time to put my two to bed. 🙄

I will never understand how he has been so willing to miss her childhood. She’s mine, of course, but I can confidently say that she’s a phenomenal person and he’s missed out!
When I ask him, he admits he knows he’s missed out and it’s sad. Not sad enough to see her regularly or make a regular plan though... We have had blazing rows about this in the past but I can’t get quite as worked up about it now she’s older.

He is always very preoccupied by his hobbies and has invited us to watch him do one of them in September. He actually lives with a woman (no children) but went through a succession of women that he lived with throughout DD’s life until he met her. DD has never been massively bothered by them as she only ever met one.

This woman is ok- seems to judge me in some way but we have never been able to establish in which way. Seems to support his decision not to be in DD’s life.

He didn’t pay anything consistently until she was ten and last year i managed to increase this to a more reasonable amount by threatening CSA.

My gut is that it is performative (to post things about Mother’s Day re me). I’m bothered by it because I live with the injustice of the situation and how it has affected DD over the years.

He and I were in a LTR and built a house before having DD. He urged me to have children when I wasn’t sure. I stopped at DD for obvious reasons! Very glad for every day I have with her though.

Gosh- she sounds dreadful! So sorry!

He has two older children who remained with their mother in his hometown-so fully accessible when he goes back to stay at his parents’.

They think he’s great.

Sometimes I wonder if it is because DD has SEND, though he would vehemently deny this, (I have never voiced it).