I can't cope with being bullied at work

[Ginnyaletranger78]

This might be a bit of a long one.

I'm not in the UK.

I set up a charity shop over 10 years ago with my mother. A smallish shop, with a little café.

Five years ago, we moved premises because the landlord wanted to sell.

I took out a loan and bought another building, and we put the shop in there. I get the rent from the charity to pay back the loan. This was all done legally with a lawyer.

My mother then got ill. Very ill. I spent a year taking care of her, and I lost her. And I miss her so much. I don't know what to do.

During that time, with neither of us really present, the volunteers ran the show. I was still there to do all the admin and oversee things etc. but for the shop bit, I took a bit of aback seat because I was at the hospital all the time.

Neither my mum nor I ever took a salary. Nobody ever has. It was a project built on our love for what we do - the charity side of it. I also wanted her to have a goal during her retirement and something we could do together.

I have a team of 60-plus volunteers.

Since she died, I'm having huge issues. And I'm not sure I can cope much longer.

I have some excellent volunteers, amazing people who get on with things and have great ideas, but the vast majority of them don't speak the local language. So, we have a bit of a reputation of being "the English charity". I never wanted this, but that's just the way it's gone.

Over the last few months, I've tried to get a handle on things. I'm there every day, sorting, doing the displays... managing the place, taking over all the communication... I've put everything into it. We've expanded, we're attracting more people, we're making more money.

I have a child. I'm on my own. I also freelance for my "real job". I do this work in the mornings and evenings. I struggle for money very badly sometimes.

Every year, there is an AGM. During the AGM, the active members - the volunteers - get to see the accounts and are presented with a financial report. This has always happened. They also vote for who is on the committee. They always vote unanimously to keep me at the "head" of things.

Recently, though, a few have turned against me. They "don't know what's happening with the money" - even though they've all been told, they "don't like the décor in the tea room", they "don't want to have to speak local language", they "don't think volunteers should pay for cake". It just goes on and on and on. Every day. The talking, gossiping, nastiness, the cold shoulder. It's a toxic environment. I've taken some of them to one side and said I'd like to have a chat because if there's anything they don't understand about the accounts or about the work we do, I'm open to discussion. I've shown them the accounts. I even got an accountant to do everything for me and do monthly incomings, outgoings, keep hold of all receipts, etc., etc. I've tried to cover myself every which way.

They all get 50% off in the shop. They are NEVER asked to do anything. I always say that they can choose to do what they want - sorting, cleaning, the till, the displays, baking. I like them to enjoy what they're doing. To feel comfortable.

I regularly update what charity work has been achieved, how much has been donated etc. And I'm not on my own. There's a committee of five people who make these decisions.

In January, I asked the committee if I could start being paid. I'm in there every day, running it. There are no members of staff. As the "president of the association", I can be compensated 3/4 of the minimum wage. I asked for 1/2. I'm spending 20 odd hours a week there, plus all the extra I do on the cat front outside shop hours. They agreed and voted on it. In January. I haven't taken any of it yet because I wanted to clear some of our bills first.

I think this "wage" thing is what's caused the problem. But I'm struggling to keep a roof over my head and putting all this time into the charity. Any other shop would have a paid manager. I'm asking for HALF the minimum wage. But the volunteers don't seem to be happy about it.

Also, I think the fact that I bought the building has also caused an issue. But we're in the middle of nowhere. The building was worth next to nothing. And we'd have had nowhere to go if I hadn't done it. I wish I hadn't done it because I've messed up my own borrowing capacity in the meantime. It will be paid off in a few years.

Basically, the environment is toxic. I dread going in. I just hate it so much. It doesn't matter what I do or how pleasant I am, there are a handful of them who just want to make my life as uncomfortable as they can. And I don't know why.

I took the main "ringleaders" aside and said I wanted to iron out any issues they had...but it's not helped. I don't have a long list of rules. In fact, my only "rule" is that there's always someone present who speaks the local language. I even offered everyone some free sessions of language lessons.That went down like a lead balloon.

For context, I'm 20/30 years younger than the vast majority of them. I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

I need some advice. The stress is eating me alive. I can't focus on my "real job". I just spend all my time worrying, trying to make the shop better.

I used to think the patriarchy was our biggest worry, but women can be so unkind to other women. I'm in a desperate state. What can I do?

I think I'm of a sensitive nature and I'm not very good at being a boss.

It sounds like what you really need is a partner who can complement your skills and do the bits you don't enjoy or aren't good at. Is there anyone among the volunteers whom you trust and could do that role? Bringing in someone completely new to play the bad cop would probably work best, but it'll be hard to find someone in a remote location who has the right skills and will work for minimum wage.

I have a lot of people who have my back. But the "baddies" wouldn't accept anyone saying anything other than me. And I think they know I won't say anything. If I had the guts to actually manage these people, I wouldn't have got in this mess. But it's so hard with volunteers. When I worked for a company in the past and I was the team leader, I didn't have these issues at all. I've always been very "nicey, nicey" in the charity, though.

They don't like change. They won't be told what to do. It's an age thing as well. I'm younger than their children. I'm going to speak to the members of the committee tonight. I'll write it all down, suggest some of the points posters have made here, and see what we can do.

I'm not prioritising my actual life, my job, or myself. I'm not doing myself any favours at all. My mum would be a bit upset with me about all this. About allowing myself to go under because of these women.

They sound awful. You absolutely should be taking a wage. You're taking all the risk. I agree with the committee strategy. Do you think they're on your side? Will they back you up?

You've already got some wonderful advice here and it sounds like you are taking it on board.

The one thing I want to say is that it sounds like these women have zero interest in the charity and are just doing bare minimum to try and get free cake and discounts. You are trying to do a lovely thing and they are just selfishly in it for themselves. So don't feel bad for standing up to them.

One thought - is there somewhere you could donate left over cake?? A food bank or shelter or somewhere? Because that might make them all just fuck off for good! And if they complain surely it only makes them look bad if you are donating to people more needy than them?

Former charity shop manager here, I came to say exactly this. In the kindest way possible, you need to get a grip on this and step in as quickly as possible. It feels awful having to battle your vols (been there unfortunately) and obviously in your absence they’ve run things as they pleased and now you’re back again properly, you’re getting push back because you’ve upset their position, but tough tits! You’re the manager, and now the paid one, so as mothersdayliein said (hope you got one btw lol), you need to call a mandatory meeting and set out all your expectations and anyone who doesn’t agree can go. It wouldn’t hurt to get a newsletter with a basic financial breakdown on there too if you can. You should also draw up volunteer agreements at the end of said meeting get them to sign it. If
you’re the kind of place that operates with shifts then you should get a rota in place and split up the cliques. Good luck 🤞🏻 it’s tough, you won’t always please them all, but you can make it much better and sack the ones that don’t contribute anything to the team. X

As someone who lived in Southern Spain for 20 years and had contact with the English only speaking people who ‘volunteer’ in said charities: I understand 100% what a PITA some of them can be. Regardless of what these toxic people think they are ‘entitled to’ (free cake, whatever,) they are at the end of the day toxic and going to bring your charity down.
I can only offer advice like others have said that you need to get rid of these people. If necessary, take drastic action in the long term and sell the building as you say..
It is such a shame when this happens, but I have seen it countless times as petty minded people think they rule the roost.
I hope you find a suitable solution. Best case, get rid of the rubbish, keep the good, genuine ones and get paid too..
(NB I have known The Sur in English and The Olive Press – both English ex pat papers in Spain take up the story. Flush these bullies out!)
!Buena Suerte! (Good Luck.)

You feel the way you do because you don’t have a plan.

You need facts.

Firstly - raise the rent - if you haven’t done so in the last few years, do it now.

Then work out a plan for the staff. Have a staff culture - this could be anything, ground rules about being nice, a behaviour policy going forward, it gives you some thing to pull people up on - Hey point 4 is to stay positive - smile!

Then you need to take the salary, it doesn’t matter if it’s 2 hours or 20 hours, take the money. 10 years work at 1/2 min wage??

Then you need to do some staff evenings, a night out - or similar, start a new culture:

Stop thinking WE start thinking I!

As a small step in the right direction - can you just say there's no more free or discounted cake for volunteers? It sounds like the charity can't afford it anyway, and this measure would be a way or sorting out the grifters from the dedicated.

Ten years for nothing. 1/2 minimum wage from this year. And I haven't taken it yet.

I’d do this. Close up shop for a month. Tell everyone you’re closing down. Use the time to get your governance and policies in order. You don’t owe people sight of the accounts and you don’t need to justify yourself. It is YOUR shop.

Pre-empt the FB posts by posting the closure and then a month later announce (on FB) that you’re thrilled to share the town folk love the shop so much they persuaded you to reopen.

Give the shop and cafe a tidy up, and before you reopen decide how many volunteers you need, what for, and recruit to that. Post on FB that you’ll be looking for volunteers for the roles and list them.

And don’t sell yourself short OP. You should be paying yourself more than half the minimum wage. Remember that you have to survive as well. You need to run it like a business and be consistent- 20% staff discount and a volunteer celebration event twice a year where they get tea and cake. You can easily frame this as wanting to make more money for the charity and too many people were buying the good stuff too cheaply, and so it was making the charity unsustainable.

Let me know where you are ? I was bullied relentlessly at school, and now take no rubbish from anyone. Prob similar to you, trust everyone, a bit naive, but there’s a streak in me that’s not so nice :)

If they’re volunteers then I’d politely say it’s ibv you’re not happy here, I suggest you leave for a position that makes you happier.

Get rid. Identify the ring leaders and get rid. You are amazing, setting up and running a charity in a foreign country with so many people wanting to volunteer. Sorry for your loss.

Some really good advice here OP. One thing I did when dealing with a bully was to write myself a 'script' so I could host a meeting and not let them drag me off at a tangent.

But really I just came to say to remember to be kind to yourself about the situation - you have lost your Mum and that is so hard. Maybe some of the struggle you are having dealing with everything is because of your loss and grief.

Good luck OP xx it sounds like you set up an enterprise that is a great asset to your area xx

This is easy.

Put the building up for lease and when you get a new tenant end the lease with the charity.

Concentrate on working a job and providing for your child.

Paid Volunteer manager at a charity I co-founded here. I don’t have all the answers but sending a lot of love. Do you have the equivalent of the OSCR where you are or a charity regulator who can help with some policys and procedure templates? I think you should be starting with a volunteer handbook/ on boarding process that covers as a minimum bullying/harassment and grievances. It’s also a good opportunity to show how transparent you are and to be explicit about the volunteers benefits. Sometimes it’s easy to overlook benefits that are less tangible (reducing social isolation, discounts etc) for the volunteers and setting them out is a helpful way to remind them
of how good they have it!

Write up your handbook with your committee , deliver it to the volunteer team as a fait accompli and give them a timescale to change. If they don’t then follow your grievance process. Ask one of the other committee members to oversee it for some impartiality.

sending lots of strength ❤️

You are in charge right ? It’s your charity ?

Maybe you need to be blunt - it’s your show and you would love for them to be happy there , but if they aren’t maybe it’s best they reconsider their involvement.

Puts it’s on them and lets them know the terms of staying.

I feel for you i have experienced work place harassment in the past.
Dont let them get to you.

I thought southern Spain... I'm so sorry you're going through this.

These grim bullies would have been the bullies in the shops /offices in UK before they took retirement...

At least 2 bullies I worked with NHS both live in Spain now and 'volunteer' in shops I've heard on grapevine... They are truly hideous people and hate to think what toxicity they spread.

They are also the exactly the people who won't learn Spanish... As they're Engerlish right?....

I'd follow the advice to actually tell them you're closing.... Then suddenly restart in 3/4 months... And approach the decent volunteers to help you populate a new team.

And please take the 3/4 NMW.

Good luck!