Butting heads with DH re DD’s behaviour

[Hey12345]

Help. AIBU or is DH regarding parenting DD.

Totally different parenting styles: he’s more relaxed, doesn’t want anyone upset so will let them have their own way. I’m more rules based, but not strict. A ‘no means no’ type of person.

DD is 7 and is acting up a LOT recently. Very reactive to anything negative. For example, this morning, we got up late for school (I’m the only one with an alarm set for some reason, I had woken up with 2yo DD several times during the night and snoozed my alarm this morning unfortunately). 7yo DD asks if she can take the bike to school this morning, I said no sorry we’re running late for school today, DD gets upset of course, DH says if we can get dressed quickly we can (my issue with this is that they were already running late so that was never going to be achievable). I have to put my foot down and explain that isn’t going to happen today sorry, DD extremely upset and moody. They got to school just over a minute late I think.

I then explained to DH that we need to have a serious discussion because this is happening too often these days and everyone in the house (except for 2yo DD!) is very emotional at the moment. AIBU here?

The above is just a recent example that I can explain but it does happen so often. And recently 7yo DD gets very reactive if she doesn’t get her own way and it’s starting to really upset me because it’s a constant battle in this house.

I remember the other day, we were playing hide and seek, 7yo DD was hiding under a blanket and I pretended to sit on her, she found it funny, 2yo saw this and wanted to do the same so she hid under the blanket, I didn’t realised DH pretended to sit on her, 7yo DD wanted “another go then”, but I went to pretend sit on 2yo so 7yo has a meltdown because her sister had “2 goes” and she didn’t. She wanted to sulk and run off to the other room, DH goes and picks her up and tried to reason with her and there’s a lot of back and forth of sulking ect. I worry sometimes that DH is “babying” her too much, he doesn’t want to see her upset so he’ll give her all of his attention and do whatever for her to stop being upset, but I think this encourages more meltdowns because they seem to be happening more often.

DD has been called a baby in school by another pupil because she was crying, I can’t remember why she was crying but something minuscule like a pen wasn’t working, and she’s like this at home too, so I do worry if she carries on she’s going to be picked on in school. AIBU that this behaviour needs to stop?

I work in a school and often see children who cry at the drop of a hat. I can say hand on heart it's generally when they aren't getting their own way, and are told No. I suspect at home, the tears fall, and the parent gives in because it's easier. In a school setting, no means no, and tears aren't going to make any difference. Unfortunately, it makes life at school harder for these children, and yes as they become older, other children will notice and comment. No one likes to see a child upset, but the child is only upset because an adult has put a boundary in place and used the word No! The child isn't going to be traumatised for life by that action. Your husband isn't doing your eldest any favours by pandering to her behaviour. Boundaries create a secure, stable environment, where a child feels safe and knows where they are. You do also need to understand that your child has spent a good few years being an only child, before your now 2 year old has come along, she is adapting to not having your undivided attention any more too. So plenty of 1:1 time for her, with each parent, so she feels secure.

You shouldn't have interfered in the school run if you weren't the one doing it.

The rest just sounds like normal 7 year old behaviour and two parents with a slightly different parenting style.

It'll work out as she matures.

She's way too old for this toddler-like behaviour and needs to learn that no means no, and that's not a big deal, accept it and move on.

Having said that, I don't understand why her default reaction to wanting another turn at the game was to freak out and run off rather than just ask for another turn.

No needs to be no, especially when it's already stressful and you're rushing about. Children need a firm idea if routine and boundaries or they will feel anxious. You and her dad need to discuss it and have a plan for who will make decisions at certain times and agree there's no backtracking once DD has been informed of what is happening.
I don't think her dad did anything wrong comforting her in the example about play. Children that age have a very strong desire to feel things are fair and equal.

@Ablondiebutagoody she’s been doing it a lot recently where it’s like “fine I’m going then” and she’ll run to her room or wherever. I think it’s an attention seeking thing because DH will go after her and hug her and say this and that, she is obviously getting all the attention. You don’t mind it occasionally but it’s after anything that doesn’t go the way she wants it. And she definitely gets more attention and love than 2yo DD gets because she’s obviously more vocal.

@JLou08 DH does read some things on facebook or sees an instagram real off a child psychologist or whatever and he’ll come to me and he’ll say what he saw and how we need to be firm and bla bla, that itself detrimental to say no but then backtrack, but this is what my parenting is like anyway, and then he doesn’t even follow trough with what he reads.

If I hadn’t of interfered then DD would have been well over 15mins late for school. And my main issue is that she asked me and I said no, but then DH goes against what I said.

I would rather interfere than let my child be late for school if it’s unavoidable too (although she would have been around a minute late in the car today anyway).

You should have handed 2 x dc and a bike to dh and gone back to bed...
He can be the flustered one explaining why dd is late.....
Agree 1 day she can take the bike... 1 day only. Compromise works way better than your dh's Disney parenting.

@Nosaucelikemintsauce I think you’re right. I should have let them make their own mistake!

It is usually me that does the school run, DD on her bike or scooter, and if we’re early youngest DD will be on her bike too or walk, or she’ll be in the pram if we’re not doing so well on time. So eldest knows this is a one off, but she obviously just doesn’t like hearing ‘no’.

Also this issue is just a very recent example, but these meltdowns happen often, if not daily, and it’s really getting to me these days. And DH enabling the behaviour is getting to me too.

Whoever was taking dd to school gets to make that decision .

Agreed. But I was only using that as an example of a bigger picture of what’s going on. The reaction from DD, and how DH and my parenting skills are differing. The issue is a whole lot bigger than just today’s example.