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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother’s Day when your mum is a bit shit

6 replies

morbidlyabeast · 30/03/2025 23:25

Is very hard.

My mum and I had plans today which she cancelled this morning. This also involved letting my dc down. She said she’d been unwell overnight but she does this all the time and it’s often code for ‘I can’t be arsed’ or ‘I’d rather stay at home and drink.’

I took the dc out anyway and when we got back I went to my mums to drop off her flowers and card but my toddler was tired and irritable by this point and didn’t want to stay so because we left quickly I got a passive aggressive ‘oh well happy Mother’s Day to me then’. Clearly forgetting that I too am a mother.

She hasn’t always been this way. We lost my dad 8 years ago and since then she has just changed completely. She has MH issues which she won’t address. Drinks to the point of injuring herself and falling out with people. Makes very little effort with my dc but seems put out that they don’t bother with going to see her. It’s all really upsetting and draining especially on a day like this when everyone else is all over Facebook sharing how supportive and loving their mums are. I couldn’t bring myself to write anything as it felt so false but no doubt I will be a bad daughter for that too.

I would never go NC as she still has moments of being her old self but ultimately I’ve come to expect disappointment and frustration with her. And I’ve tried to help her, encourage her to seek help and so on but she’s not interested.

Anyone else in the same boat and feeling rubbish after today?

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 30/03/2025 23:31

I would stop setting you and your children up for disappointment. If she regularly lets you down, then lower your expectations and don't make plans on important dates.

morbidlyabeast · 31/03/2025 10:58

Yes I have already tried doing this over the years. I take most plans with a pinch of salt as I realise the likelihood is she will cancel and make excuses. But somehow I still end up being made to feel guilty like yesterday.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 31/03/2025 11:02

morbidlyabeast · 31/03/2025 10:58

Yes I have already tried doing this over the years. I take most plans with a pinch of salt as I realise the likelihood is she will cancel and make excuses. But somehow I still end up being made to feel guilty like yesterday.

It helps to disengage so that you don't let her behaviour bother you. At the moment you're very much caught up in reacting to her moods and behaviour, you need to distance yourself from her and stop letting her get to you.

If you don't plan anything with her on important dates, assume she'll let you down when you do and ignore her comments, you should hopefully stop letting her effect you.

JitterbugFairy · 31/03/2025 11:07

Stop arranging nice things if she's goitto keep cancelling. Do something nice for yourself and your child,then pop around hers to drop a card off. Make yourself the priority now,not her.

TheStigarette · 31/03/2025 11:15

That's shit. You deserve better. I'm sorry.

Caroparo52 · 31/03/2025 11:28

She only makes you feel like shit because you allow that. Take control of your thoughts and value yourself. Tell yourself you are wonderful and kind and worthy of love. That no one can tell you how to feel. Only you are the judge of that. You do your best to help but dm is set on self destruction. So her actions lead to her downfall as a result
Not your fault. No guilt. Move on.

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