To feel hesitant about rekindling this friendship?

[WildUmberScroller]

I have a close friend who, after a period of silence, has suddenly reached out like nothing happened. No real acknowledgment of the way she disappeared, just a casual message acting like things are normal.

I care about her and miss our friendship but this isn’t the first time she’s gone quiet out of nowhere. I don’t know why she does it, and she never explains—just vanishes for a while, then pops back up expecting us to carry on as usual.

AIBU to feel hesitant about picking things back up? And if I do, how do I stop this pattern from repeating?

It's absolutely reasonable to be wary. Get the answers before you make a decision.

Depends. Are you happy to see her now and then on her terms? If so no problem.

Depends how long the silence was and if she ignored your messages.

That’s the thing - I do care about her and enjoy our friendship when she’s actually around. But it feels really one-sided. When things are good, she’s all in, but when she goes awol, I’m left in the dark. It’s not like we fell out - she went quiet for weeks (sometimes it can be a couple of months) with no explanation, ignored messages, and now suddenly she’s back acting like nothing happened.

I don’t want a friendship that’s only on her terms, where I’m expected to be fine with her disappearing whenever she feels like it. I feel like I either have to accept this or end the friendship but is there a middle ground where I don’t just end up feeling like a doormat?

Could you tell her that? How wary you feel and how let down it leaves you feeling?

It was weeks this time, and yes, she ignored my messages completely. I wasn’t bombarding her but I did reach out a couple of times and she just didn’t respond at all. Now she’s back acing like nothing happened, with no explanation. It’s not the first time she’s done this either, which is what’s making me hesitant.

How long does she disappear for and how often do you speak or see each usually?

Oh gosh I wouldn’t say a week is much..maybe she has different time boundaries about answering messages

Tbh I think I would say what you’ve said and see where it goes from there. She either takes responsibility and you have an answer or she doesn’t and you still have an answer.

Oh gosh, I didn’t say a week! I said this time it was weeks, and in the past, it’s sometimes been months.

I’ve been hesitant to bring it up directly because I don’t want to create more tension or make her feel attacked but I’ve definitely thought about letting her know how her behaviour has affected me. The problem is that in the past, when I’ve tried to talk about things, it doesn’t seem to change anything, and I end up feeling like I’m the one putting in all the effort to make things right.

I’d let her know how it makes you feel. I knew someone like that and it turns out she was really suffering with awful mental health. She’d cope ok for periods and then life would overwhelm her and she’d have to step away for a while. It was hard because even though I understood and always offered to be there for her, she wasn’t there for me sometimes when I needed her despite me always offering to be there for her, if that makes sense.
I would definitely ask why these things happen occasionally and if she has a good reason I’d see whether we could find a solution that fits both of us. Good luck.

I definitely have friends who may not reply and not might I for months - we live in different parts of the country, you read a message then think I’ll come back to it. It happens

perhaps ask for a timescale for reply in the message

otherwise it sounds very one sided