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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How much mates time is too much?

6 replies

Mitropa44 · 30/03/2025 19:53

Hi everyone, my husband and I have just decided to try and work on the relationship after being on the verge of divorce for months. Things improved until he told me today that he wants to spend more time with his mates and I’m holding him back from doing so. He plays ice hockey once a week followed by beers in the pub and every now and then spends weekend with friends going to a concert or golfing. It’s not a lot at all but with a 5-year old and a busy life I felt this was sufficient and what he could commit to right now. I never stopped him from going out or asked him not to but it must be something in my behaviour that he feels I’d be unhappy about it. And I am unhappy about him even bringing it up when we should be working on our relationship at the moment. We don’t go out together as he said he couldn’t find the time with him working long hours etc. and he’s happy just to eat and sleep together. He feels we’re always together when he’s at home. I just really want to sense check what others’ men are doing and if I’m being unreasonable thinking he’s being unreasonable?? I know you can’t compare but hearing from others would help my own sanity as he thinks he’s the only one that unable to go out as much as he likes.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 30/03/2025 20:06

That's a bullshit excuse for being aggrieved? Wanting more time with his mates? He can make the time for them, but not you? You spend enough time together in the house. That's insulting.

On the verge of divorce, its not surprising. If he valued you and actually wanted to make it work and be with you he'd make time and put in the effort, not come up with bs excuses that hes been working and doesnt have the time. He has time for ice hockey, and trips away.

I'm not saying he should make the effort - i'm saying he'd already be making the effort, he'd be in the room rather than you having to drag him there. You can't make someone fall in love with you, you can't make them put in effort, it's just what they do when they want too.

If he were interested in making an effort in a relationship, he'd commit to giving you his time, effort, and attention, there would be date nights, babysitters so you could spend time together, weekend trips away, concerts, hobbies together etc. like he does for the people he wants to spend time with... whereas you get the "we see each other all the time at home". Nope.

but it must be something in my behaviour that he feels I’d be unhappy about it.

Stop with the "it must be me". It's not you.

Buttonknot · 30/03/2025 20:09

I think it's good to find "me time" in a relationship, whether that's seeing your friends, doing a hobby etc. But the thing that makes me say YANBU is the bit where you say you don't go out much together as a couple because he says he hasn't got time. That's not right - you should go out together sometimes as well as him seeing friends.

3WildOnes · 30/03/2025 20:10

How often does he wants to see his friends?

Iwanttenofthose · 30/03/2025 20:17

You will get lots of self-affirming "he's a bastard" type responses on here but honestly every relationship has its own parameters and what's acceptable for one couple may not be for a different couple. My DH goes out a lot more than this but that doesn't mean what works for us would work for another couple with different personalities. It sounds like he's just trying to be honest about what he needs and imo that doesn't mean a lack of respect - honesty is the only way you'll really get through the ups and downs of maintaining a solid relationship while you raise children. As long as you are putting what you need across too, and your needs and his are given equal weighting in the decisions you make as a couple, then I am sure you'll be able to work out a compromise.

FidosMum84 · 30/03/2025 20:57

How much time do you have on your own or to see friends? If it’s none I’d start there.
Join a gym or go on some girls nights out?
With some time to yourself you might get some perspective on whether you want to be in the relationship and he gets some quality time with a 5 year old. He can’t really negotiate more if you don’t have any.
But I do get his point and your use of ‘sufficient’ is clearly saying that’s enough even if you don’t say it out loud.
Also, why would you stay with someone who doesn’t want you to go out as a couple? And the eating and sleeping together comment is disrespectful if you both think you’re trying in this relationship. He’s not.

Tuesdayschild50 · 12/09/2025 20:39

He is talking absolute crap... working on your relationship together means going out together away from the house rebuilding your connection to each other.
Him doing whatever he wants and just living eating and sleeping in the house is no life for you is it ....its all working in his favour not on.

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