I know I'm being irrational but I'm gutted that DD has given up this activity

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DD, 14, has done an activity club for the past 10 years which has brought her so much joy and has been an incredibly supportive community to her. It's something arts related. Some of the team leaders have been incredible mentors to her and she's made loads of friends. It's also really helped her confidence.

Yesterday she announced out of the blue that she didn't want to do it any more and that she hadn't enjoyed it for some time. I've tried to delve into whether there were particular reasons behind this (ie bullying or insecurity) and apparently not. She just doesn't want to do it any more. Fair enough.

I know that I have to respect this and pushing her to keep at it would be counterproductive. I completely accept this and will not push her if that's what she's decided. But it has inexplicably and irrationally really upset me. Partly I guess because its a standard teenage response and it feels like I'm losing my child. Partly because I can't see her putting her energies into anything particularly productive instead other than sitting around doing teenage things and just wasting time (which I hate). But also because she's giving up something she's good at, enjoyed and was an enormously positive force in her life. It just feels like a huge waste.

She's generally a good if occasionally stroppy and disorganised teenager: I don't have any particular concerns about her outside of the usual run of the mill stuff: no reason to think she's hanging out with a negative crowd or anything. But I just hate the fact she's throwing away something so positive apparently for no good reason.

I know I'm probably being a helicopter parent and need to let this go and I know this is normal and she has to make her own decisions, but its upset me and I'm just wondering if anyone has pearls of wisdom in how to care less about this.

It’s the end of an era, it played a large part in both your lives, don’t be hard on yourself, change is difficult. You’re not saying you’re nagging her to continue, just that it’s making you feel sad that she’s growing up and life is changing which is only natural.

If she's not been enjoying it for a while but has carried on without saying anything, it's possible that she is also sad that she's not enjoying it as much any more.

I know my eldest has been a bit morose about the fact that he doesn't get the same kick out of imaginative play/messing about with his friends etc so I try and sympathise with him and it makes me feel a bit better to know that we are both adjusting to our new normal and I can put my sadness aside to try make him feel better.

I know how you feel, my son is approaching the end of scouts and he has been going since he was 6 and I feel really sad about it. Like you I am also disappointed it will likely mean another night just hanging about in his room on a screen!

Thanks all. I suppose also lurking in my consciousness is the fact that teenagers just seem to default to wanting to be on their phones and I can see it being a battle to get her to fill the void created by leaving this club with something other than YouTube and TV.

As they grow they change and thats ok its a good thing.
I had one that loved ballet after a good few years he didnt want to do it anymore.
He went on to become a make-up artis and loves it works with all kinds of people.
People change and grow op you are going to be okay because they go on to find new things to enjoy.

I know but thanks, I needed to hear this!

You should be proud of raising a child who knows their own mind, who can make decisions independently and who doesn't just do things because of the expectations of you and others.

Have you considered the fact she's got what she needed from this activity - joy, friendship and confidence?

She's in a positive place now and doesn't need it as much anymore.

Does he not fancy joining explorers or becoming a young leader. I honestly though DS would give up on scouts but is now a very keen young leader.

Its find for her not to want to do.it anymore. But I'd try and encourage her to try something else instead. A different sport or hobby maybe something one of her friends does.

Just to keep her going out and doing something, because like you say otherwise they can default to spending to much time on screens

I would think more about the skills (technical and social) she's learned from it and it will help her in the future.

Plus, she could take it up again as an adult. I know plenty of people who learned to play an instrument or sport as kids, dropped out as teens, and started again later on in life.

Be proud that your DD told you. I did an activity for years and hated it but couldn’t tell my parents

It’s normal to feel like that. It has probably been a big part of your life too.

My DD is a teen too and also recently dropped out of an extra curricular activity, that like your DD, had given her an amazing community and group to spend time with. It did so much for her...was an incredibly positive part of her life
I was actually quietly devastated. I totally understand.

I'm going to try and convince him but I think it depends what his pals are doing. What do the young leaders do?

I actually don’t know anyone who has stuck at a club for 10 years!

No wonder she is bored with it.

If you are worried about her not having hobbies as a teen then I would tell her that it’s fine to quit this particular hobby but she needs to choose another one instead.

Perhaps she could try and different things for a few weeks each and find her new interests.

She will definitely be a very different person than she was 10 years ago and it’s ok to change and grow as you get older.

Once she stops enjoying it then it's time to move on. It happens with the majority of childhood hobbies. That doesn't mean it wasn't beneficial and interesting to her to have done it. She may go back to it again in future by choice.

Growing up is about branching out and deciding what interests you.

Some people fall in love with acting, horse riding, gymnastics, painting etc forever. But most just use those things as a springboard to learn what they like and don't as they get older.

My DS has his last scouts meeting tomorrow. He's going on to explorers after Easter.

One of mine gave up dance just when she was reaching an amazing level. Dancing since 2/3, highest grades at all exams, then bam, suddenly fed up with it at 14. Her teacher was heartbroken and so was i.

We both gently asked her to reconsider, suggesting different times for lessons, worrying about what was the cause ect, and she was slightly surprised and amused by our hand-wringing and agreed to carry on and see how she felt. We were all delighted but 4 months later she announced that really was it. Cue us all heartbroken all over again!

Kids ay? What can you do?!

The funny thing is, i did the exact same thing as her back when i was 16! Left the dance world after 12 years of excelling at it because i woke up one day and had just had enough 🙄The lessons all week, the shows, the injuries ect ect. The love for it just switched off.

Maybe see if she wants another hobby OP.
But to you.

YANBU my son is coming to end of primary age and has been less enthusiastic about the activities he does....like you I don't push him to keep going but I worry if he gives them up it's more isolation and screen time as we live quite far from school friends

I agree with the end of an era thing. When my DC stopped going to their childminder, I was really upset! I knew it was ridiculous but she’d been such a central figure in our lives for years — I really missed her!

Thanks all it’s reassuring to hear that others have felt like this. Just one of those rites of passage I think but you are all very kind.