Who knew Mother’s Day was just another opportunity to practise your Narc skills?

[HonesylyIveHadEnoughOfThem]

I was really looking forward to Mother’s Day, and now my MiL has just pissed me off.

A few months ago we asked her to join us today for a nice day out. A nice place to visit, with lunch. She said no as she’s spending it with her other DC. At this point you’d expect her to say, do you want to join us, or we can all do it together, but no. She’s just spending it with her other DC.

So, DH sent her a card and called her first thing. She told us she’s very upset we didn’t send her any flowers or a present. It’s very hurtful.

I am fuming. DH said nothing, but later said the comment didn’t go unnoticed.

I know it shouldn’t have, but it turned me from being happy, to just really pissed off again with my MIL and her attitude.

On what planet does a person decline a nice invitation, then complain that you didn’t get a present? If she’d joined us, or included us in what she was doing, she would’ve got flowers/chocolates/ whatever in person. Instead she got a card because she basically told my DH that he’s less important to her.

TBH, she doesn’t even deserve a card.

AIBU?

Ignore her and be very grateful her attentions are based elsewhere...

She already had plans so declined- I don’t see anything wrong with that. Assuming her other child invited your MIL, it wasn’t MIL’s place to then decide to invite you and your husband.

A gift is customary. I can see why she’s upset.

YANBU it’s not like you didn’t acknowledge her on this day. Some people don’t appreciate the things that are actually important and choose to get worked up over stupid things instead like obligatory present giving. Just try and rise above it and enjoy your day.

I’m trying. She just gets under my skin.

I was looking forward to a nice day. Get dressed up, have a nice lunch and I let her ruin it.

I just don’t know how her mind works. I just don’t know anyone who plays games with their DC like she does. She’s awful.

She already had plans, so she said no. you're the ones that decided to be spiteful and just send a card because you feel snubbed.

How is it her fault?

Get over your selves.

My mother is similar. Called me today to ask why she hadn’t got a card . Proceeded to tell me all about her latest problems didn’t ask how I am and I just ended the call while she was still talking because I can’t be bothered with her. The day she’s finally gone will
be a good day for me that’s for sure

Based purely on what you have written (although I am sure there is more to it) she hasn't got a present because she had prior plans and you/DH got the hump about it
You could have sent her something or dropped something off yesterday, later today or tomorow or can she only have flowers if she falls in with your plans?

There were no plans. Her other DC has just “popped round” to see her. They aren’t going out. In fact sibling had to drive through my town to see MIL so it would’ve been really easy for us all to get together.

Last year they blew us off twice for a better offer (other DC). That’s fine, but then don’t throw your toys out the pram.

Is a nice card and the offer of a day out not enough for Mother’s Day?

I’d be focusing on it’s a result that you don’t have to ruin your day being with her in person.

when the op directly said if she'd accepted their invite she'd have got flowers/gifts, but because she said no, they just sent her a card, no, i don't think it is.

maybe you ought to have said that in your OP instead of drip feeding.

You made plans
She also made plans
I don’t know why this part bothers you so much.
However I would never ring someone up and complain that they didn’t get me a present, even if it upset me, because that would just be rude and materialistic.

An offer isn’t a gift. If someone asked if you wanted to go out for your birthday and you told them you already had plans, you wouldn’t say “How dare you not rearrange your plans to include me, you are a narcissist. I won’t bother to get you a present now”, would you? You’d suggest a different day, or just tell them you hope they have a nice day and give them a birthday gift regardless.

There seem to be many women on MN who actively look for the most trivial of reasons to hate their MILs.

(messed that up - If you asked someone*)

Seems odd to me to see one child but not another. Why not invite you all around or to the same place? Oh well I guess she’s learnt her lesson now!

I have several children. I don't always see all of them at once. She had plans to see one child and maybe it was not her say so to invite another.

Maybe you have a justifiable grievance, but you do seem rather petty. She only gets a present if she does exactly as you wish. I think you could be better than that.

She set her son up so she could get supply.

Frankly, after being told that she was busy with her other DC, the correct response would have been radio silence.

Your DH is never ever ever going to be able to do the ‘right thing’ bBecause anyone remotely within her orbit are nothing but supply to her.

We (well DH) is being punished for something he’s done, or not done. We don’t know what that is, because she hasn’t told us/ him. The punishment is the snub. FYI this is a recent thing. Every other occasion has been “the more the merrier”. He’ll get punished again for this. She might go up a level to her “I’m not calling you, or answering your calls for 3 months” which she hasn’t tested on my DH yet, but has done to others.

Fucking hell. Should she not make any plans at all until she’s run it by her adult son first? I’d asked my DM if she wanted to do something today but she told me she’d already invited my DB round for a roast, so I popped over yesterday instead. I didn’t give her “radio silence” because I don’t think the world revolves around me.

It’s only punishment if you let it be punishment. I would enjoy the peace and quiet. Sulking and snubbing only works if both parties take part.

Noone's coming across particularly well here.

she made zero effort to make any plans at all with her child, favouring yhd other child(ren) - not even ‘oh, I haven’t got the room gif everyone but I would love to accept your invitation for another day’. Complete snubbing of one of her children and then bemoaning his lack of present giving.

He can’t bloody win.

Nasty game playing on her part.

I grew up with a mother like this.

Vicious woman.

life is so much nicer without her - I was never ever going to meet her standards.

OP's MIL turned their offer to meet up for Mother's Day last year as well. A card is fine and I think she is cheeky to complain. OP's DH is clearly at the bottom of the pecking order with his mum who prioritises his siblings over him.

Enjoy the silence from her. She doesn't sound very kind to your DH so I'd be glad not to have to see her or speak to her.