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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want others to recognise why this day might be difficult?

19 replies

aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 13:37

Bit of background: there's a backstory/history already of a strained relationship with parents due to many reasons - emotional abuse and textbook stepchild dynamics being two of them, and I'm currently navigating infertility.

AIBU to wish that my own mother would just message me and tell me not to bother with the performance of mothers day? Not once in the last few years of pregnancy losses and infertility has anyone given me permission to just forget about this god forsaken day!

I know I don't actually need permission from anyone but myself but wouldn't it be nice to just be considered.

Not sure what I'm asking for from this really, but it feels better getting it off my chest!

OP posts:
YellowHatt · 30/03/2025 13:45

I remember being in the midst of fertility struggles and feeling the exact same way. You want people close to you to recognise it.

The reality is I don’t think anyone ‘gets it’ unless they’re in it. And the expectation of celebrating your own mum is a whole separate thing that goes on regardless of infertility. So you get overlooked.

I hear you though, it’s tough.

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 13:55

Thank you for the reply! It's just so frustrating. I agree that I think people just don't get it, but at the same time, it would take 2 minutes for somebody to think outside themselves. With the added pressure of family dynamics though, it does feel more difficult.

OP posts:
SwanOfThoseThings · 30/03/2025 14:02

I think it is slowly being recognised more and more that this day can be difficult - I had several emails asking me if I wanted to opt out from Mothers' Day marketing, for example. I'm not a mum and have never celebrated my own mother (or father) due to the extreme corporal punishment they used to give me - the day itself doesn't bother me and I just delete marketing but I can completely see how triggering it has the potential to be.

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 14:10

SwanOfThoseThings · 30/03/2025 14:02

I think it is slowly being recognised more and more that this day can be difficult - I had several emails asking me if I wanted to opt out from Mothers' Day marketing, for example. I'm not a mum and have never celebrated my own mother (or father) due to the extreme corporal punishment they used to give me - the day itself doesn't bother me and I just delete marketing but I can completely see how triggering it has the potential to be.

Yeah I have seen more recognition also. It's so forced in the shops as well isn't it. I don't necessarily think others shouldn't celebrate how they want to, I guess just a bit of recognition from my own family would be nice but I can't imagine that happening any time soon.

Sorry to hear about your own family struggles. I didn't put much in my first post but there are a lot of dynamics at play here too and it would be a hell of a lot easier if I had no contact with them.

OP posts:
MinnieCoops · 30/03/2025 14:21

YANBU Flowers

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 14:23

MinnieCoops · 30/03/2025 14:21

YANBU Flowers

Thank you!

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 30/03/2025 14:25

Its about mother’s day but its not about mother’s day. Its about feeling unseen and unloved by the people in your family that should prioritize you and your feelings for once.

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 14:27

pikkumyy77 · 30/03/2025 14:25

Its about mother’s day but its not about mother’s day. Its about feeling unseen and unloved by the people in your family that should prioritize you and your feelings for once.

Yes, you're completely right. Thank you!

OP posts:
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:27

Yes and no! How you feel is entirely reasonable- it’s a day I find tricky, too. However you say -

“strained relationship with parents due to many reasons - emotional abuse and textbook stepchild dynamics “

Of course they aren’t going to break the habit of their lifetime and start being considerate, particularly today. You’re unreasonable to hope for that!

Far better to announce to them in February- right, I’m struggling with Mothering Sunday so I’m going to go on holiday this year and ignore it.

nadine90 · 30/03/2025 14:27

I’m with you op. I find it a difficult day and people in my life don’t seem to ever remember that despite me saying so every year. It hurts when people don’t acknowledge your pain and expect you to go through the motions. Sending hugs xxx

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 14:29

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:27

Yes and no! How you feel is entirely reasonable- it’s a day I find tricky, too. However you say -

“strained relationship with parents due to many reasons - emotional abuse and textbook stepchild dynamics “

Of course they aren’t going to break the habit of their lifetime and start being considerate, particularly today. You’re unreasonable to hope for that!

Far better to announce to them in February- right, I’m struggling with Mothering Sunday so I’m going to go on holiday this year and ignore it.

Yes, I think you're right about that. I should be the one to take control of it too, but I find it hard with them. Thanks for the reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 14:30

nadine90 · 30/03/2025 14:27

I’m with you op. I find it a difficult day and people in my life don’t seem to ever remember that despite me saying so every year. It hurts when people don’t acknowledge your pain and expect you to go through the motions. Sending hugs xxx

Thank you! Sorry to hear it's hard for you too. Like you say, how hard is an acknowledgment? I just can't imagine treating somebody else in that way.

OP posts:
stclementine · 30/03/2025 14:39

My mother was a toxic waste dump of a human being and as soon as I was able to, I refused to buy her anything for Mother’s Day. I should feel ashamed to admit that I quite liked the thoight that this was my way of saying fuck you, but I’m not ashamed at all. When my ex husband and I were going through infertility she made a point of telling me how she was so fertile she only had to pass my father on the stairs to get pregnant. She also openly preferred her then neighbour because she had kids and I didn’t. I still don’t but it’s fine and she’s dead and that’s more than fine.

I see threads on here from women who didn’t get what they thought they deserved for Mother’s Day and I do wonder, with some of them, whether their children will end up thinking the same about them as I do about mother.

Jabberwok · 30/03/2025 14:44

My mum died when I was 17, a couple of years later I was out with the "lads" all talking about what they'd bought there mum.

We were a rough bunch from a run down working class area and had some scrapes with the law, football trouble, friends going to prison...but one of them took me aside and apologised for the conversation, acknowledged how hard it can be.

What I am trying to say is that people get wrapped up in their own lives but some do appreciate what you feel

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 14:53

Jabberwok · 30/03/2025 14:44

My mum died when I was 17, a couple of years later I was out with the "lads" all talking about what they'd bought there mum.

We were a rough bunch from a run down working class area and had some scrapes with the law, football trouble, friends going to prison...but one of them took me aside and apologised for the conversation, acknowledged how hard it can be.

What I am trying to say is that people get wrapped up in their own lives but some do appreciate what you feel

Thank you for sharing!

OP posts:
Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 14:56

stclementine · 30/03/2025 14:39

My mother was a toxic waste dump of a human being and as soon as I was able to, I refused to buy her anything for Mother’s Day. I should feel ashamed to admit that I quite liked the thoight that this was my way of saying fuck you, but I’m not ashamed at all. When my ex husband and I were going through infertility she made a point of telling me how she was so fertile she only had to pass my father on the stairs to get pregnant. She also openly preferred her then neighbour because she had kids and I didn’t. I still don’t but it’s fine and she’s dead and that’s more than fine.

I see threads on here from women who didn’t get what they thought they deserved for Mother’s Day and I do wonder, with some of them, whether their children will end up thinking the same about them as I do about mother.

Well I've just looked at the poll and there's 45 votes so far, half of them think I'm being unreasonable for wanting a bit of relief from the intensity of mothers day and infertility, so maybe you're right!

OP posts:
Interl0per · 30/03/2025 15:33

It's a day I find hard too. This year I absolutely had to work today, so I did the Mothers' Day thing for my mum last weekend.

Not having to force celebration today has definitely been easier. I might find that I'm often "needed" at work on MD from now on...

SwanOfThoseThings · 30/03/2025 15:48

aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 14:56

Well I've just looked at the poll and there's 45 votes so far, half of them think I'm being unreasonable for wanting a bit of relief from the intensity of mothers day and infertility, so maybe you're right!

Show quote history

I wouldn't pay too much attention to the poll, there are lots of folk who click YABU for the hell of it without reading the thread properly.

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 30/03/2025 16:12

Interl0per · 30/03/2025 15:33

It's a day I find hard too. This year I absolutely had to work today, so I did the Mothers' Day thing for my mum last weekend.

Not having to force celebration today has definitely been easier. I might find that I'm often "needed" at work on MD from now on...

Ive definitely done that before! I wasn't able to this year, but it's certainly easier to work.

OP posts:
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