Unexpected inheritance..do I tell my partner?

[jellytiptop]

Hello, I’ve been on mn for years but have name changed for this post. I have recently discovered that my grandmother has left me some money in her will, all her grandchildren received £60000 and this was distributed to us this week. I haven’t told my partner of 8 years.

For context, we own a house together as tenants in common with both of us putting down equal deposits and splitting the mortgage and bills 50/50. DP is 37 and earns £65k pa, he has two teen children from his previous marriage who we have EOW and half the holidays, he pays maintenance, uniforms, allowance etc. I am 31 earning £52k pa with no children. We have a joint account where all household expenses are paid from and we both transfer the same amount each month, but get paid into our separate accounts. He has approximately £40k personal savings and also some shares/ crypto but I don’t know the value of these. I only had £20k until now as the deposit for the house are most of my savings.

Our relationship has been very difficult the past couple of years with my partners depression and impulsive behaviour making me feel that we aren’t in a stable partnership. He has always been very insistent on everything being 50/50 financially even when I was earning far less than I am now. I’ve just accepted it because I didn’t want to viewed as a freeloader and I could look after myself. Now I’m wondering if it’s really sneaky of me to not tell him I have this money. I would like to put some of it on the mortgage but then he would ask where it came from etc. Just wanting to know if it’s ok to have a secret bank account or what I should do with the money, we aren’t married.

it sounds a complete certainty that he wouldn’t share an inheritance with her, so the only difference in disclosure outcome is that he’d make her life miserable, while she probably wouldn’t make his. I’d keep it, and not tell him with a clean conscience. I hope knowing it’s there helps you decide what you want op.

Get it in a high interest savings account until you know what you want to do with it, but I wouldn't tell him and I wouldn't pay off the mortgage. I think what you do have is a parachute. If things have been rocky for a couple of years I would seriously reconsider the relationship, the fact that you don't want to share the news with him must indicate deep down you don't really trust him.

Do you want children? You're still young enough to have loads of options. I would seriously consider couples counselling though if you want it to work or use this as a sign to leave. The fact he made you go 50/50 when you earned alot less also makes me think he's a bit of an all round twat though.

Tldr don't tell him about the money or make any financial decisions that will bring it to his attention. Xx Good luck OP and sorry about your loss. Xx

all her grandchildren received £60000 and this was distributed to us this week.

A bit ambiguous - do you mean it was £60K to be shared amongst all grandchildren? If so that's a lot less depending on how many grandchildren there are.

however irrespective of the amount, you have no legal obligation to share it or even declare it, as it's your inheritance from your grandmother and you aren't married.

^^ This
I would make no attempt to hide it. He's always been happy to have more disposable money/savings than you so should have no issue with you having an extra £60K in your savings. Given the last couple of years, why are you even still with him? You've been subsidising his childcare etc for the last 9 years. If he does have an issue with you having more in savings, take it as a sign to leave. Under no circumstances should you put a penny of it into the mortgage - if you do, expect to lose half of it at least because I doubt he'll accommodate the legal paperwork to ring-fence it.

Id invest most of it and lock it away. Then have a holiday for you and dp as a treat. Id explain Iv received an inhertiance and you have invested it for the future.

I don’t think there’s any need to not tell him. You don’t share money and he insists on everything being split 50:50 so the money is yours and yours only!

Don't put it into the house whatever you do and don't let it go into any sort of joint account even briefly. He has kids that stay and yet expects you to pay 50/50. Whilst earning more than you he's been you to subsidise his kids, he doesn't deserve to know. Context means a lot, I'd give the same advice to a lower earning man who'd been expected to subsidise his partners children while she kept everything else in her own name, you either have joint finances or you don't, if you don't share the gains it's not fair to expect your partner to subsidise the costs.

Thank you for all your responses, yes I feel quite guilty that I haven’t told him about it yet. I guess I’ve just had a really shitty year with my Gran dying, my partners mental health issues and having really low self confidence so o feel uneasy. I want this money to be put towards something worthwhile as it’s my Gran’s money and she sacrificed and worked really hard for it. You are all correct that my hesitation in telling him is not good news for our relationship. I still love him so much but I’m just tired of the emotional struggle I guess. Also I don’t really resent paying 50/50 now that I’m earning a better salary, I love my step daughters I’ve watched them grow up from ages 4 and 6 and am happy to contribute towards holidays and gifts etc when they are with us, that’s my choice.

Put it in your own savings or pension. Do not pay off the mortgage-he has savings if he was interested in doing that.

I'd be putting in my fuck off fund.

All unmarried women need a fuck off fund (or so my friends mother always said. I'd probably extend it to ALL women!) So they can walk away if they need to without worrying about how they'll cope financially.

I'd take this as an opportunity to leave him - he's not a supportive partner, you don't trust him, he's mean.

You can force a sale of the house and buy a home for yourself, or buy him out if he'd agree and you can afford it and want to.

You're only 31, you shouldn't have to live like this. You're not responsible for his mental well-being, or for his kids happiness. He has been building up savings when you had far less and were financially suffering, so he's not treating you as a partner.

Stick it in your own savings or savings bonds, don’t tell him and build up the interest on it. Just pay the mortgage as you have been doing, it doesn’t sound like your relationship is going to last and he’ll have a claim 50/50 in it if you do put it in.

I think you should tell him. It’s not healthy to be keeping secrets like this in a relationship. The fact that you think you need to keep this a secret says the relationship is not great. I think his reaction to your inheritance will be very telling. If he’s happy for you and encourages you to use it for your own financial security then that could really strengthen your relationship. If he starts getting grabby and expecting you to put any of it in the shared pot despite having refused to do this with his own money, then that gives you the very clear information you need to make the decision to end the relationship. I can completely understand why you feel that you want to keep this a secret, but if that’s really what you want to do then you really should be looking to end the relationship now.

Step aside from your emotions and focus on yourself. As you say your gran worked hard for this money so I’d say to tell yourself that you’re going to put the money aside for a year in a good savings account and take the time to think what to do about your relationship. Your dp sounds like he isn’t bothering. He’s lucky to have you and that you are a great sm. You are young and in a well paid job. You can be single and find a better relationship in the future.

Defo don’t tell him!

I would absolutely not tell him about the money. I’m guessing you have had to have a bigger house than you possibly require to accommodate his DC. You pay 50:50 for everything when he comes as a package.

I think he’s done a number on you (and I say this as someone who has been in a similar position) and you would be foolish to give him any more access to your money.

Put the money into an investment and keep quiet. Meanwhile, I’d be looking at this relationship again with fresh eyes. Is it working for you or not?

@jellytiptop I wouldn’t be paying a penny to the mortgage but you would have the cash there to buy him out if you split and if that’s what you wanted .
He's very keen on 50/50 so no doubt he would have idea on how to spend your cash. .
any penny spent on the house wether mortgage or re furb benefits him in a split .

You aren’t married don’t have kids . He doesn’t need to know.

Maybe this will make you stop and think about whether you actulay want the relationship moving forward.
Do you what kids ?
If you do and you don’t feel secure with him then maybe time to get a move on .
You won’t meet the right person while with the wrong perosn.

I would not be telling anyone if I received any money.

Don’t tell him and don’t pay off mortgage

Just saw that you contribute to the cost of his kids holidays - that really is unreasonable

He insists on 50/50 hpuseholf costs splits, but then expects you to pay 50/50 of the costs for his kids, he is exploiting your good nature. You were young when you got together with him, and i think he took advantage of this. You are not equal partners.

Normally I’d say tell him, but given the disparity in earnings and that he’s made you pay 50/50 even when you were earning far less, plus he has £40K+ in personal savings, I’d say stick it in a separate account. Do you think your relationship will last?

His meanness has come back to bite him in the arse well and truely 😂

Sorry, to clarify we received £60000 each, none of us were expecting it.

I don't think I could be with someone I couldn't trust enough to tell them I received an inheritance. You don't share your finances, so unless he would somehow be able to still access the money without your permission there shouldn't be a reason why you need to keep it secret unless something is very wrong with your relationship. Is that the kind of relationship you want, where you feel you have to hide things like this?

Invest it, do NOT use it for the mortgage unless he's prepared to pay the same.