Why am I angry at my DH?

[SwordOfOmens]

Help me MN.
Why am I angry and am I unreasonable to be?

My DH has just come back from a 3 day trip with his mum.

The house has been untidy and cluttered for months and I've been incredibly overwhelmed by it all to be point of arguments and tears. I'm AuDHD and the mess just hurts my brain. I struggle to function because of it. I just become upset and paralysed and don't know ow where to start.

I've asked DH to please tidy as he goes, but he just doesn't/says he can't . He leaves dishes out all over the kitchen, instead of stacking the dish washer. He doesn't wipe surfaces after himself. He leaves used tins and packets out. He doesn't vacuum or dust, he leaves dirty clothes out for days.

Basically if I don't do it, it either doesn't happen or he does it at a snails pace so it takes 3 - 4 times longer than if I did it. (I've timed him!)

So he went away and this is going to become a regular thing. His mum is on a medical trial thing and needs a chaperone. Fine.

So why am I angry? He's come back with £200 worth of new shoes and trainers that she bought him, he's been waited on hand and foot, meals cooked for him, no housework.

Meanwhile, I've cleaned and tidied and sorted and it has been clean and tidy for the whole 3 days. My mind has been clearer, I even began to feel comfortable in a morning routine. I've felt peaceful and quiet in myself. It's been wonderful.

I just know that the house isn't going to stay tidy and I'm gutted and a bit angry. I can cope with mine and our DD2 daily mess, I'm tidy, quick and efficient but apparently I can't deal with the messes my DH makes.

Am I being unreasonable to feel angry and resentful about this, or am I just jealous that my DH gets presents and waited on and my tidy house is going to get messy again?

Seriously? You have encapsulated your own solution.

You don't like the pressure of housekeeping but you rise up as often as you can to keep on top of as much as you can.

He has zero (or very little) investment in clearing at least half the problem housework.

Dump him ASAP ... you might struggle to do some of your own home chores but you will be free of doing his share on top of yours.

Good luck!

He doesn’t care about you. Sad to say but true. What’s your situation re housing, job and finances?

He has asked me if I was sad about something last night and I told him honestly that I enjoyed the tidy house, the peace and quiet. I also enjoyed that the TV hasn't been on for 3 days.

He said "I'm not offended".

Not sure where to go from here! He agrees with my complaints lmao!

Send him to live with his mum. You are carrying him, and he's too heavy.

Resentment

He’s grown up in a house where his mother did everything. This is what annoys me about the Hinch housewife ‘it’s easier to do it myself’ thing. It breeds lazy men. They grow up thinking that is what women are for. Daughters tend to see it as a blueprint for womanhood. Everyone loses.

My advice? Dump the lazy pig. But find a better way to not become a role model for domestic servitude to your DD.

Is your DH also ND?

It's tricky to unpick what's happening here.
From your description, your DH sounds inept, incapable, and unfeeling - which is awful for you to have to live with.

That said, it sounds like you have managed to 'clear the decks' pretty quickly, given that he's been gone for 3 days, and you've had 3 days of living in a clean and tidy environment?
So, we're not talking total squalor or hoarding level of mess?

Can you give some more context?

Why are you married to such a total waste of space?

I think you’ve answered your own question here.

I’m not sure what the answer is, but I have ADHD and I must say I manage my symptoms much better now it’s just me and the kids, and my ex was fairly good at pulling his weight.

Pack him back off home to mummy

But the house isn't messy yet so try not to stress yourself over that. You've had a word, make sure it doesn't get to that point and if he can't then he needs to know the consequence

You describe agony for yourself while he’s home. Why are you worrying about whether he is “offended?” Or not?

Take a picture of the rooms as you like them and post them in each room. Show him how the room should look when he leaves it. Especially the kitchen. And tell him he can figure out how to keep it up to speed on his own. Any mess he leaves will be swept up and put in his office or by his side of the bed.

Am I being unreasonable to feel angry and resentful about this,

Either get counselling so you are both on the same page or start planning to leave, as he will NEVER change without an ultimatum. I finally left mine after 40 years because he left a trail of destruction behind him all the time. Funny how his house is clean and tidy now, so that is just another slap in the face as to how he viewed me as the unpaid servant.

He is undiagnosed but could possibly be the poster boy for dyspraxia. He won't go for diagnosis because of the cost and not fitting nhs criteria for assessment. I am AuDHD diagnosed.

I cleaned and tidied the kitchen, hall and lounge. Upstairs is cluttered.

He isn't unfeeling, just baffled because he doesn't feel he can work to my speed and level. I'm not The Flash. I hate housework, so I get it done ASAP because I hate dirt and mess more.

Maybe it's because I'm peri (just started hrt) that I have no patience left.

He can't do DIY, doesn't drive (just started lessons, booked by me) doesn't organise days out or holidays. He is more than happy to enjoy what I've organised though. I do all the DIY.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable. After all, I did marry him! He just assured me he would do 50/50. He certainly spends time doing stuff, but he accomplishes very little for the time spent.

I'd like a month off actually. His mum would love it too!

I think you will be happier living separately. It’s not a failure, you just aren’t compatible.

Seriously do it!

Op i feel like he's just looking for someone to do all the work (ie his mother) . I would seriously be considering my future with him.

YANBU. If you need the house to be tidy and have done this then tell him he either needs to clear up after himself, splash out on a cleaner or get lost.

I think you’d be so much better if this man-child fucked off to mummy and you had a clean and clear house and heart to move on.

Also, if she’s on a medical trial, why the fuck was she waiting on him hand and foot?

Sounds like he’s a shit son as well as a shit husband.

Mama's handsome prince.