…after a falling out with my mum.
It’s complicated but I will try to give the backstory without being too identifying.
I split up with my ex-H in 2022. He did not take it well and there were multiple instances of him following me, showing up/hanging around outside my house and place of work. He hid a Tile in my car and so for ages every time I left the house I would “bump into him”. It boiled down basically to the fact that he was adamant I’d left him for someone else and was trying to get proof. I hadn’t, but it was a really shitty time and I regret not involving the police to be honest. My mum knows how distressed I was. I have had to try and maintain a civil relationship for the sake of the kids, but with as much distance as possible to prevent him having access to my life. I have requested that my family also keep him at arms length.
My parents needed something doing, and asked for help from many family members to make it easier as they both have health issues. Think mass garden clearance/house move, a “many hands make light work” sort of thing. A couple of months ago when I was round there, they asked for my availability and dropped in that ex-H would also be assisting as he has access to some tools needed to complete the task. I said, very calmly, that I did not feel comfortable having to spend a whole day or more in his company.
Well, they hit the roof. My mum started crying, my dad started shouting. I tried to calmly give my reasons, which they already know, but ended up walking out. I have not heard from them since, although I’ve not contacted them either. I have learned through the kids, who are teens and have seen them still, that the day of action went ahead with the assistance of ex-H.
This is a pattern throughout my life where I can never raise issues, however calm or reasonable I am, because I am just seen as difficult. This is in contrast to my siblings, who are all generally very dramatic, and get pandered to even as adults.
Now my dilemma - do I take a gift round as it’s Mother’s Day? The breaking of the ice clearly won’t come from them, but I can’t decide whether I even want to. Since the fall out, they have had a couple of big things happen that I’ve only found out through my own kids. My dad is also terminally ill, if relevant.
So, the question. Should I be the one to make the first move?
YABU - take a gift
YANBU - let them make the first move
Sorry it’s long…