To think that people pretend not to understand obesity

[Mezzoprezzo]

After 30 plus years of failed diets I've recently started on mounjaro. Because I've placed an order and spent weeks searching stuff about weight loss medication, my Facebook feed is full of adverts from suppliers, many of which use vlogs from real clients who have lost weight. And the vast majority of comments are along the lines of, couldn't you just eat less, haven't you heard of exercise, why not just stop eating crap etc. Surely people are faking ignorance to have the fun of fat bashing. Obesity is rife! Everyone knows someone who struggles with their weight and who talks openly about it. I and every other obese person I know have tried every diet under the sun. Walk into any gym and you'll see a fair number of larger people trying bloody hard. And I know someone's going to reply to this post by talking about an obese friend who they once saw eating an entire packet of biscuits. Well numerous times I've given in to the overwhelming urge to do that too. And hated myself afterwards. It's part of the horrible condition. People have got eyes and ears and they seriously know full bloody well how hard obese people try to lose weight. They just pretend not to so they can have the fun of hating.

Obesity is not an ED though, it can be the result of one but not always.

Some people are obese because they use food for comfort / emotional reasons and the solution for them is to work on the underlying issue.

But we can’t deny that others are obese because they like food and don’t want to change their habits. A bit extreme, but say you told people
they could be thin but could never eat dessert or fried food ever again. Some would say yes, some would say no. And that’s fair enough! My point is, when there is no significant underlying emotional issue, being overweight can also be because you like food more than you like being slim.

How do you know that. If she doesn't feel she faces any barrier to romance, doesn't feel any bad heath effects yet, why on earth should she feel the need to lose weight and give up the food she loves..she even told me the fat acceptance in the uk is why she lives here, you can be a happy obese or fat person here and no one gives you a second look..

There are a number of studies recently that point to a faulty gene causing obesity, hence why it runs in families. These people have to work considerably harder to maintain a healthy weight than those without the faulty gene. This is one but there are more.

www.bristol.ac.uk/alspac/participants/discoveries/body-weight/#:~:text=Obesity%20often%20runs%20in%20families,early%20onset%20obesity%20since%201998.

This debate about willpower etc comes up often on Mumsnet and I can see both sides of it, and it's more complex than either 'side' often presents. For full disclosure, I am a healthy weight but have previously been overweight, though never obese.

For some people, being thin is clearly easy, or easier. They are naturally inclined not to overeat, they don't get the 'food noise', they don't like feeling too full etc. I can sort of relate to this because it's how I feel about alcohol. I never want more than a drink or two, hate feeling drunk. There is zero risk of me ever becoming an alcoholic.

But I'm different with food. I come from an overweight family who have always overeaten and implicitly encouraged me to do so, they all say I currently 'look very thin' (I'm 10.5 stone and 5 foot 5 so a healthy weight but by no means 'thin'), I love food, and I particularly love sugar and could very easily be overweight.

I put a lot of work into remaining a healthy weight. It's not about 'dieting', it's about consistently making the right choices every day and doing tons of exercise. Luckily I quite enjoy exercise. And luckily I also am reasonably happy, have a job I like, enough money and other privileges that mean I can buy good food, join a gym, have a cleaner so I have more time to exercise at the weekend etc. I don't kid myself that if my life looked different and was tougher in any of a number of ways, I would make worse eating choices and probably be overweight.

But for this reason I think it's wrong to present obesity as a 'condition' that always requires medical intervention. Maybe it does sometimes. But I see it as closer to alcoholism. It's a potential addiction that can be overcome with willpower and determination and a lot of constant hard work. Not by everyone. But by some people. I'm not against people taking weight loss drugs in any way if it works for them - particularly as a temporary kick-start. But I think when people say 'I've tried every diet and they don't work'... diets don't work, that's true. But permanently eating a lot less and doing loads of exercise does work if you're willing to do it permanently. And I say this with no judgement about how hard it is to do it permanently.

Everyone’s needs are important, including one’s own, but sometimes life throws challenges that make it hard to attain text book balance. At that point we have choices.

Without wanting to give too much detail, my friend’s DH has been unable to work and that condition has left him severely depressed. My friend carries the earning responsiblity for the family, but on top of that the father’s depression has rubbed off on one of the Dc who now struggles with anxiety. Frequently she is left managing a child with school anxiety then racing late to work - which is an all-important financial support for them all - and having to grab a bite from wherever. It’s those little stressors every day that mean rising to a workout and a healthy breakfast before leaving the house are just tricky for her - especially as she prioritises getting a healthy breakfast into the Dc. Yes she could get up earlier but she’s exhausted. Rinse and repeat at the end of the day - plus she also takes care of an elderly relative because all the rest of the family are “ putting on their own oxygen masks”. What it comes down to is someone has to do it, and there are some types who just have that softer heart.

Then her mil turns round and said “ when you are short of money, I don’t know why you bought those new clothes. You haven’t got the figure to show them off.” So you see why I can feel protective…

One of which found "Researchers found that one in every 337 people (0.3% of participants) may carry a faulty version of the MC4R gene, making their brains sense that they have slightly less fat than they actually do. This drives them to eat more and leads to increased weight gain in childhood."

YANBU, and I see a number of posters have already turned up to illustrate your point.

This is a very black and white view.

Genetics and income play a huge role in weight.

Many people who have always been slim either have slim genetics, don’t come from a poor background or both.

If you have always been slim then you will not have the fat cells in your body, which makes it easier to remain slim.

When you have been overweight and lose weight your fat cells shrink but they stay in your body. It is much easier to ‘refill’ a fat cell than create one.

I believe the amount of fat cells are determined when you are a child and so some people are predisposed to gain weight. I don’t think they ever die or it takes years for them to die.

So a naturally slim person will be less likely to gain weight and find it easier to maintain their weight because they don’t have as many fat cells in their body.
Someone who has more fat cells is going to put on weight way quicker and struggle to maintain their weight.

Ok so explain how coming from a poor background means you are more likely to be obese? Since you are referring to fat cells as being the issue.

@NorthernGirl1981 sorry I didn’t explain myself very well. All the people I know who got it via NHS got it for diabetes, because other diabetes medications weren’t working, it was not prescribed because of their weight. All I meant to add, rightly or wrongly, was that they all had a weight problem as well, but that was not the reason that it was prescribed. I understand that this is how these drugs have come about. They’ve been used for years to treat diabetes type two and been found to have the benefit of weight loss as a side-effect. I don’t know anyone who’s been prescribed it on the NHS purely for weight loss. Regardless of any other health conditions that they may have had.

Look at it on the other end of the scale- if someone is too thin as a result of taking exercise to the extreme or dieting to the extreme should I feel sympathy? On the other hand I can feel sympathy for someone who is anorexic as that is a mental health illness. So the OP wants people to appreciate how hard it is for obese people but that only applies in cases where people are only obese due to an actual medical condition, not just bad choices. Some slim people put the effort in to remain in shape, it's not all just luck.

Things I have observed.

There have been a lot of threads like this one over recent months along with a lot of "Why can't people just eat less?" threads over the years.

More recently, there have been a lot of threads about UPFs. People asking how they can cut down, people asking what they are and people asking if they're really that bad.

On the latter threads, there will be many posters mocking, deriding and disbelieving those who state they cook from scratch either all the time or as often as they can or just avoid UPFs 80%+ of the time. Nothing wrong with UPFs - no different, tastes just as good (if not better) than the real thing 👍

Posters explain that food is addictive and designed to be addictive. They are right but it is UPF food that they are describing when they say that. Because, as others have pointed out, salad, vegetables and meat aren't addictive.

We can't have a narrative that states UPFs are exactly the same as freshly prepared food and an absolutely fine food choice whilst simultaneously people are scratching their heads about obesity.

My exh was obese. He just couldn't see it in himself. He'd see people on TV etc and say, "But no one wakes up one day weighting 25 stone. There's a point when they're only 15 stone. Why don't they do something about it then?" At a point when he was more than 15 stone. He just couldn't apply it to himself because he didn't see it in himself.

He also used to say he worked hard (he did) so he 'deserved' that family sized bar of chocolate, ful sugar coke, grab bag of steak McCoys and a big bag of sweets every evening in front of the TV. And that's because he was different from all the lazy overweight/obese people watching Jeremy Kyle and stuffing their faces all day who didn't deserve it but just couldn't stop themselves.

After we separated, he was diagnosed with T2 diabetes and high blood pressure. He was angry about the T2D because he didn't deserve it because he wasn't as 'bad' as all the other people with it. He refused to manage it properly and ended up in hospital for it several times during the first 18 months after diagnosis.

He was just in complete denial. He is now slim and has been for nearly a decade (aside from a few blips). So he did get a handle on it in the end and no longer has T2D.

I'm not overweight (anymore). I didn't restrict my eating, I didn't use will power and I didn't starve myself in a calorie deficit. I just thpught - why am i filling myself with so much crap? made better food choices and stopped eating UPF. I didn't even up my exercise. I just made a conscious choice to eat differently and didn't see it as a short term fix. So I changed my way of eating rather than 'going on a diet'.

If people come from a poor background, they are likely to eat more poorly in childhood and adolescence, which is when fat cells for later life are established.

Exactly so it comes down to the food being eaten.

I get this, and I do understand the frustration. But saying “medical conditions though!!!!” totally undermines the obesity issue at hand. 2/3 of the population (?) is obese. They do not all have medical conditions.

My child has incontinence issues so had to wear nappies when starting school. People complain a lot about the issue with increasing numbers of children not potty trained by the time they start reception. I KNOW when they are judging lazy parents (possibly even me) that the judgement doesn’t really include me as it is due to a medical condition. I can separate those two issues and understand that the lack of potty training parents is an issue still.

Spain is only just behind the UK re obesity. The concentration is different, so it's the poorer areas that have more. When looking at the causes of death, there's little difference. Wegovy became available last year, about the same time as here, so it's just a, your friends, issue, in terms of not knowing about them. I was there May 2024 and saw adverts.
I've always wondered why some alcoholics, who still eat a reasonable amount aren't obese. Their calorie consumption should be making them obese. The endocrine stuff us interesting. My DD has a endocrine and gastro issues, she's scared to eat and can drop underweight. Her DD, in primary school is very overweight, she has the signs of hormone issues and has a MPA. She eats less than her petite sister. She was born chubby and got bigger while exclusively BF.

I don’t pretend to understand obesity in any scientific sense, but it has always been clear to me (as someone with a sweet tooth, who has never had to work out or count calories or do all the things people say you need to do to stay slim) that so much of body size and metabolism is down to genetics.

I have so many friends who eat super clean and run several times a week and still struggle with their weight and have high risk for heart disease. Many also have PCOS or autoimmune conditions.

Sure, processed foods with hidden sugars etc have a huge role to play in obesity as well. But it really pisses me off when people want to understand it as a moral failing on the part of individual people.

Nobody ever sneers at me for being largely inactive with a shit diet - which are things that are true about me, and bad for me, and almost certainly storing up problems for the future. But nobody judges me for it because I look like what people imagine ‘healthy’ looks like.

We could all probably do with looking after ourselves better, but people (particularly women) with bigger bodies seem to get it in the neck all the time from meddlesome other people, with so much weird overinvestment and judgement.

I became obese after years of being thin. I can only speak personally but for me, depression makes me not want to move my body at all. It's almost never addressed like that. It goes: getting out for a walk will benefit your mental health! Yes, it will, but how do I get to the point where I can go out for a walk? That's what's missing. I think if someone is inclined to see laziness as a driver for obesity, then they are not able to comprehend what leads to the non-movement (not laziness).
I'm not sure that a lot of mental health or exercise advice is geared towards this either. One thing that helps me is to understand what kinds of movement I enjoy (rambling fast through hilly forests; slow but challenging yoga) and what I definitely don't give a shit about doing (couch-to-5k; Zumba).
But when you are depressed, that takes a lot of soul-searching. It's pretty low on the list of things you need to do on any given day.

i have to say that I suspect some people on here are less self aware than they realise

until very recently I would say I had a shit diet and fail to get enough exercise ( the diet hasn’t changed - my observation of others has been more focussed on)

in fact it’s almost all home cooked, low UPF, portion controlled and I walk every where - it’s just I notice the crap bits

my mother will tell you it’s crap as I eat crisps
but ahe doesn’t notice that I don’t have slabs of butter on shop bought bread for breakfast …

what I am getting too is that what we think and what happens in reality are often out of sync

1. calories in calories out does work for almost everyone
2. sugar and UPF leads to higher calories in

I think you're BU as they're not pretending. They really don't understand it. They genuinely think obese people are unable to understand "eat less move more" or too stupid and weak willed to do it.

I started MJ in October and have lost almost 5 stone. I still have around 3 to go. MJ hasn't changed the fact that I have to make the right choices to lose weight but it has absolutely removed the constant all-encompassing hunger of previous weight loss efforts. I don't know what my maintenance will look like when I get there. Will I need to stay on meds? No idea. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

For now I still have a metaphorical mountain to climb but unlike my failed previous attempts which felt like dragging myself up a cliff edge by my fingers, this time I'm heading up a steady but doable route and getting chance to enjoy the views along the way. I hope it works well for you too OP.

I just genuinely don't understand and can't relate to not being able to control what you eat and be moderate.

Yes the food industry is geared to make you eat vast quantities of the unsatiating processed shite that they produce. But I can just use will power to avoid all of it and eat real food.

I'm not trying to be ignorant. I don't understand the mindset of an obese person at all. My mum has only ever been obese and says things like: "I can't have bread in the house, I'd eat the whole loaf in a day". I always think: "Well just don't!"

I dont think it's that people pretend I think they just genuinely dont understand weight gain or loss and why others find it difficult. If you havent struggled with it and have a healthy relationship with food since childhood then its very difficult to understand. I've always struggled with weight and been in the obese category for a few years but even I could never understand people who were bigger than me, I couldnt understand why people didnt just hit a limit and decide 'enough is enough I need to change.'

I was raised in a family with massive portions and lots of snacks and once or twice weekly takeout so I thought that was normal.

To some extent I dont understand why people dont engage personal trainers or dieticians and counsellors but I'm also aware that there are financial implications etc

I also think a lot of people try diets for a few months or weeks and dont get the results they want so give up. The diet and weight loss advice is so conflicting and confusing but a lot of people underestimate how many calories they consume and how few they can afford to consume before they put on weight. I'm someone who was obese so I can see how someone who's always been a healthy weight wouldn't understand it.

There may also be a bit of “ well I need to put effort in to not gaining weight- why do obese people assume they have it harder”

What in the holy hell have I just read?

I just want to make sure you're not patting yourself on the back for your words of 'wisdom' @mnreader

Good luck @Mezzoprezzo. I hope you feel good about having made the right choice for you.

@NorthernGirl1981 its not that simple. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work out what causes my weight gain and addressing that to the point I can maintain quite easily. But I could not lose no matter what I did. After 4 years of futile struggle I went on mounjaro and I’ve lost nearly 2 stone and want another stone off then I hope to taper off and I hope the work I did before that will the kick in and help me maintain.