To think this dynamic isn’t fair?

[ZanyWriter]

I have a close friend, ‘A’, and we’ve had a rocky dynamic. When things are good, they’re really good - we’ve been close friends for a long time, spending a lot of time together and supporting each other. She’s often expressed appreciation for our friendship and I’ve always valued having her in my life.

But when conflict happens, I’m always the one who reaches out first. Every single time we’ve fallen out, I’ve been the one to fix things - she rarely contacts me first.

The latest fallout happened when we had a disagreement and we upset each other. I apologised afterward and she told me she was sorry too and that we should talk to move past it. She even said she’d call me back at a specific time to talk - but she never did. Since then, she’s completely ignored me.

She was supposed to come over today to hang out. She didn’t show, didn’t acknowledge our plans, and didn’t say anything. Just radio silence.

This happens every time we have an issue. When things are good, she’s really present in the friendship, but the moment there’s conflict, she withdraws completely and leaves me to fix things. It’s always me who reaches out, me who repairs things, and her who gets to decide when (or if) we make up.

I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one actually fighting for this friendship. AIBU to think this is unfair? And what would you do?

Cultivate some new friends?

How often do you fall out?? I don't fall out with my friends, this sounds like hard work

How long have you been friends for?
what age did you meet?

Why are you falling out? This is not normal behaviour for functional adults.

Why are you falling out so regularly? You shouldn’t have to fight for a friendship. It’s not like a relationship where you live a life together and have to compromise, you can disagree amicably and move on and continue to live your lives independently. The only friends I’ve fallen out with, I’ve fallen out with for good, because they weren’t good friends.

Is regularly falling out with a friend normal? I’ve never fallen out with any of mine (apart from at school), except for one close friend who betrayed me badly in my early 20s and I simply told her our friendship was over. That’s one of the great things about being a wise adult, you can end relationships - including friendships - that aren’t good for you.
Sounds like she’s more trouble than it’s worth, I think you should try and move on with life without her.

Move on OP and/or have a really good self-examination.

I was quite a doormat to a few people in my 30s and 40s. I made the decision to say NO far more often and to be less obliging to acquaintances and workmates who seemed to regularly expect me to put in a full 'sterling' effort when they seldom acted with keenness or vigour on shared goals.

Most of these things are now on a "put in or get out" understanding. I'm not covering for the half-hearted or less committed any more.

I wouldn't say it's usual for friends to fall out at all once past the teenage years. I don't really understand what's going on between the two of you, but it sounds like an unhealthy dynamic that you would both be better off without.

I had a relationship like this and it was exhausting. He’d never once reach out to apologise or try to resolve things if we argued, it was always me. And if I didn’t, it didn’t happen.
Some people just don’t care about you and you’re not important enough to them to put any effort in.
Why would you want to be friends with someone who behaves like this to you?