Unfair to DD’s

[georgeorus]

Dd2s best friend is our friends daughter, we know her well and they are both sensible together. It’s no extra bother to have her friend over.

Dd1 has had all sorts of friendship issues, all partly her fault. She doesn’t have a best friend that she hasn’t had some sort of fall out with in the last year, we also don’t know any of her friends or their parents that well. It’s extra stress to have any of her friends over and wouldn’t trust her to be behave.

Is it reasonable to invite dd2s friend on weekend trip but not let dd1 invite a friend?

Either they both have the chance to bring a friend or keep it as a family holiday, is what I'd do.

I would explain it as you have here. That dd1 friendship issues (leave out whose fault you think it is) mean she hasn’t anyone to invite and so you don’t want to hurt her by inviting dd2’s friend. Perhaps you could gift a nice bottle of something or a voucher to a nice restaurant or something like that as thanks for them taking dd2?

I think you’ll upset DD1 more than you realise if you go ahead with this and possibly damage your relationship.

My sister was outgoing, funny, and very loveable as a child. I was chubby, shy and awkward, I’m neurodivergent but wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult. I had lots of problems with friendships whilst my sister was popular.

My mum was aware of my struggles and I suspect neurodivergent herself so was a great support but my dad made it clear he thought any issues were my own doing. They often argued about me, my dad thought I was just hard work but my mum used to defend me.

I had to spend my whole childhood being compared with my sister but it hurt the most from my dad, I could imagine him thinking like you and being happy to invite a friend for my sister knowing I’d be pushed aside.

When my sister had a daughter my dad doted on my niece, he paid for my sisters driving lessons, a car, her wedding and helped her buy a house. I struggled alone in the background, my mum tried to get him to see what he was doing but he didn’t want to see it. The final straw was when he took my sister and niece on a dream holiday and lied to me about it, my mum was so upset but it was paid for from my dads inheritance. I moved out at 18 and hardly saw my family.

My dad got cancer and I obviously cared but I was bitter and hurt too, I struggled with my emotions towards him.

We later lost my mum but for 3 years I’ve had no contact with my sister or her children after years of comparison and resentment towards her, I have never properly grieved for my dad because I’m still so full of anger towards him, I’m angry with my mum too for letting me be so pushed out.
I’m having therapy to try to work through some of the anger but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive my parents.
My sister ended up being a spoilt entitled person who thinks she is better than everyone, my dad used to tell her she was.

I have posted about this before, it’s obviously a very extreme situation and might have no bearing to yours whatsoever, I just thought I’d share it in case any of it applies to you. Please don’t let your daughter feel like I do, I’m 40 years old and with no parents I’d love a close bond with my sister, if we hadn’t been played off against each other for years I think we’d have been a huge support to each other.

You risk a relationship with your DD1 but also risk her hating her sister, I (like other posters) have picked up on an element of your DD2 being the golden child, if that’s the case then it will cause resentment between your daughters.

The OP has been stubbornly ignoring any posts pointing out her very obvious favouritism towards DD2, she clearly is the golden child. I feel very sad for her DD1.

YABU OP, either both take a friend or neither do

Unfair and setting yourself up for a miserable trip

But not now? If so then having a stranger around could make dd1 feel awkward and ruin her holiday. You really seem to not be giving any thought to dd1 or it seems have much concern for her.

Totally agree, the way she talks about dd1 is incredibly dismissive and negative.

Of course you can’t OP. It’s too unfair, doesn’t matter if the reason makes sense. No friends

I get wanting to return the favour. Just take dd2 & friend on a day trip to Alton towers or something

Completely agree with this

Feel quite sorry for dd1 reading your post, I'd either let her bring a friend and accept the potential stress, or not let either girl bring a friend.

Letting one bring a friend and not the other could increase feelings of isolation

Got on well when younger is meaningless. What you're planning to do is unfair to DD1 and it will clearly show your favouritism for her sister. I feel for your DD1, she's been dismissed as too much hard work by her own mum. She doesn't deserve to take a friend because it's too hard for her parents. Really not nice OP.

Dd2 has a friend on holiday-her sister. I wouldn't even consider bringing another child, you need your own children to play together, not distract the younger one with a friend! Dd1's lack of close friends makes this even more important.

I think you would need to even it up by planning another trip where your other dd can invite someone. If she struggles with friendship you maybe need to do a playmate where you can be there to help manage it so there isn't a fall out. E.g cinema and pizza etc rather than sleepover etc.

Sounds like you could all just do with a holiday as a family to be honest. You all need to connect with DD1 and she with you.

She'll see it for what it really is then, in her parents minds she's too much hard work to get to bring a friend.

One of my kids who's late primary school age still needs a lot of supervision on playdates, he doesn't get less playdates then his siblings because he struggles, that would be wrong. Like you DD1 he actually needs to socialise more than his siblings so he can learn how to. How do you expect DD1 to develop better friendships if her own family won't facilitate it? As a parent it's my job to suck it up and not favour any of my kids because one is more work than the others. Either both take a friend or neither, stop trying to justify your favouritism because one of your children needs more help and more parental input than the other.

I don’t have a ‘golden child’ and there’s no favouritism. Obviously I’m not going to list all the good things about dd1 and bad things about dd2 because it’s not relevant and I can only say so much but they both have their fair share of both.

Dd1 is actually much more like me and I often find her easier to parent and understand. They’re very different and need different things which means having to treat them differently sometimes.

Having a friend away from the weekend would not be good for dd1, it wouldn’t go well. It wouldn’t have gone well for me at her age either. But I don’t know if it’s fair that means dd2 can’t when it would be good for her.

I think its more important to manage dd1 feelings here than the "unfairness" of dd2 not bringing a friend

Dd1 could end up feeling left out or as an "add on" if dd2 brings a friend.

If dd1 struggles a bit socially, it would be much nicer for her to be with her sister to relax and be herself than have another person there.

Dd2 isn't really missing out at nit bringing the friend, she still has her sister and it would be mice for them to bond together

Dd2 is 11 and Dd1 is 13.

There would also be adult DSD and two younger siblings on the trip who wouldn’t be bringing anyone.

By saying they got on well when they were younger, i wasn’t saying there was a falling out and they no longer get on just that dd1 is older and often prefers to do something more grown up. She would not be left out, she would be included with dd2 and friend if she wanted or she would get extra time with me/ her dad / older sister/younger siblings.
Dd2 having a friend would actually ensure she got extra attention from us. (not saying I am going to do it yet)

Family only, no friends, would be fair. The younger two siblings will play with each other and the older step sister won’t want to hang out with a 13 year old. Your 13 year old will be alone as her 11 year old sister will be focused on her friend. So many posters have said that you’re prioritising your 11 year old daughter’s friend over your other daughter.

Why have you put this on aibu when youve clearly made up your mind? You’re been given advice people think you are being unreasonable.

Multiple people have pointed out that it seems you do favour one child over the other, so it might be worth just thinking if you're also unknowingly giving this vibe out irl

If DD1 is 13 can you not ( carefully! ) talk to her about how she would feel?
We don't know enough about any of this - we don't know if DD1 will be upset about friend being there,whether she gets on brilliantly with DSD,whether actually she'd rather be with adults and/ or younger siblings....

Well you know your family dynamics better than strangers on the internet.

But you asked and the overwhelming majority think you shouldn’t take the friend.

There’s no point arguing with everyone as to why you think it’s a good idea. No one else does…Just take the advice or leave it 🤷🏽‍♀️