Affairs

[PrimrosesinMarch]

Looking for opinions on the below;

My father has been having an affair for a number of years. My mum knows and has known for longer than I have known. She accepts the situation. The affair information was shared with me by my dad but I was told not to tell my mum that I know.
I am now aware that many lies have been told to me for a long time in terms of where my dad is at any given moment. I am furious in a million different ways about this situation.
Mainly what I’m furious about is that I now feel like I am part of the lie and am lying to others on his behalf - eg my kids ask where grandad is and I have to hold the line that he’s gone away with some old friends.

AIBU to let the cat out the bag and tell all to my mum and my kids (they are both older and have left home)? Or should I do as my dad has asked and just respect that this is an arrangement my parents are happy with and leave it there?

It’s between them, what have you got to gain from telling everyone
although you op is confusing as you mention telling your mum but also say she knows

In terms of how your mum copes with it, that is her decision and may not be one you agree with or can support.

How you deal with it, in terms of your children and your own morals is your decision. Be prepared to be 'the bad guy' as there may be fallout and (misplaced) anger towards you chucking a bomb into everyone's lives...

Does your mum actually know? Or does your dad just say she does?

i agree with this

You don’t have to tell anyone or go along with it. If asked where he is you can say you’re not sure, and advise them to ask him themselves when he’s back - they will soon pick up on your strange responses to being asked and may start asking questions, that’s on him to deal with.

They are both adults and seemingly want to live this way, so I don’t see what’s to be gained by telling your children.

Personally I wouldn’t like the silly, we both know you know but don’t speak to the other parent. Does your Mother actually know?

A very sad situation and an unfair dilemma you've been put in.
However, i feel that what goes on between your mum and dad is their business. Your mum knows your father is a disgusting cheat.

But I can only imagine the damage you might cause by telling your children.
Do they really need to know that about their grandfather?

A simple "I don't know" when you're asked questions will suffice.
And tell your dad never to raise the subject with you again.

What is wrong here is that your father made you complicit in his lies by telling you the truth. You didn't need to know so why tell you?

How do you know your mum knows? Because he's told you that? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him so I'd be talking to your mum asap,

If she already knows then there's no reason not to say anything is there?

One thing I wouldn't be doing is telling lies for anyone.

Lying to your children is teaching them lies are acceptable.

I would be inclined to talk your mum about what you know, tell them both you won't be involved in this situation , and, if necessary have nothing to do with them while they continue playing this game.

How can you gave any respect for either of your parents?

I have a few follow up questions to this:

• why did your Dad tell you? How did it come up in conversation?
• are you sure your Mum knows?
• did your Dad actually use the term affair? Or did he said he was 'seeing someone else' or something similar?

Because if your Mum knows and your Dad is being open about it with you, it might be less an affair, more some sort of open marriage/polyamory situation as opposed to him cheating.

I would talk to your Mum about it.

I think in order to protect your Mum, you should probably ask her to confirm that she's aware of what's going on. Tell her you don't want to know any details, but just want to be sure that he's not pulling the wool over her eyes, by telling you not to mention it because she already knows. If she does, then it's probably better to just forget about it OP. I know it's probably come as a shock, but what goes on between a couple is nobody's business but theirs. It could be that for some reason you Mum no longer wants sex, and you Dad does, so they've reached an agreement that he can have his affair/s, as long as he doesn't leave her, and is discrete.

My mum knows about the affair (according to my dad)
I am supposed to not let her know that I know.

Thank you, you’re right, I don’t want to be the bad guy and cause trouble. However, I already feel like one of the bad guys for continuing the secrecy and pretending my parents are happily married.

I think he told me because he’d been quite ill. he is in his 70s. Maybe he doesn’t want it to be a big shock if she turns up at his funeral? It feels really shit to have been given this info.

No, I can’t be sure she knows, I think I will speak to them both though, like someone said, if she really does know then what is there to lose?

i can’t recall his exact words, but he has another woman in his life is what he basically said.

Why would your father tell you in the first place if he doesn’t want you to let your mother know you know ? Dangerous ice.

Who has your loyalty, your mother or your father ? I think your father has put you in an impossible situation and you might have to choose.

I think speaking to them both is the way to go, as you said, what is there to lose ? He has dumped a load of garbage on you.

My sympathies to you.

Your Dad doesn't get to tell you something like that and say you aren't allowed to talk about it.

He's having an affair, he has to deal with the consequences of his actions.

I'd speak to them both and go from there regarding telling your children but I wouldn't be lying for him.