Upset my DC is the mean kid

[impossibleimposter]

My youngest DS is 6. I think he is probably on the spectrum or has ADHD (it’s in the family).

He hasn’t formed any proper close friendships at school, although I know he is rarely on his own and plays his classmates. He’s the same at parties. Teacher not worried in that sense, I’ve raised my concern about lack of friendships before but to them I suppose they always see him playing with others.

He can be so mean though. I know enough about neurodiversity to know it’s not as simple as him being mean for no reason, it’s no doubt a reaction to being overwhelmed, or feeling rejected (his rejection sensitivity is high - he is terrified of being told off) and he’s always struggled with his emotions, he goes from 0 to 60 instantly.

He is so reactive so if a classmate pushes him, or says something he doesn’t like, he’ll hit them. No number of conversations about telling the teacher are enough. He will also tell other kids off, in quite a mean way. He doesn’t speak to his peers nicely a lot of the time. It’s a shame because he is often so sweet to us and so kind to his little baby cousins.

I just don’t know how to help him here. I’d made my peace with him not having a big group of friends but to be actively disliked by so many children and their parents (many aren’t subtle at all!) is really hard, especially when I know that he is upsetting others, so their dislike is warranted. It makes me feel really hopeless. And I feel frustrated myself when some things I witness would irritate me too (a child putting his ketchup covered hands in my child’s face at a party!) but because it’s consistently my DS who reacts so angrily, he’s always the bad guy.

Teacher hasn’t been very helpful. Some days he’s absolutely fine and happy, and can brush things off. So I think they think he’s probably just being difficult. They’ve offered group ELSA to help with his anger as the teacher does acknowledge he can be really volatile, but from experience with my other child it’s a non starter.

What do you think the teacher needs to do that would be more helpful?

Have you gone down the diagnosis route? Or are you just assuming your child has Sen needs?

I was pre-empting posters asking if I had spoken to his teacher @Bluevelvetsofa. But also this is all going on while DS is in the teacher’s care, not mine. It’s difficult to manage what I don’t know about.

Well, presumably you have considered seeking a diagnosis, so that help can be tailored if he has a specific condition that is impacting on his behaviour?

@justkeepswimingswiming we are a house of neurodivergence, some diagnosed some not. The waiting lists in my area are 7 years and having two diagnosed DC already, I know how little a diagnosis helps other than medication.

Having had a child who struggled with appropriate behaviours I do sympathise.

But I don't know what you expect the teacher to do about it. By all means make an appointment to see the SENCo., but this is something you need to be actively tackling, as a parent as much as expecting school to do something.

Unfortunately a diagnosis means nothing, my elder DCs have had very little extra support put in place. One is able to access medication, but having fought that battle I know my DS wouldn’t be offered medication now.

@Createausername1970 this is why I’m posting, I’m asking for help. I’ve said what I’ve said about the teacher because so many of these posts go down the route of “what does his teacher say etc”.

Can I ask how you have helped your DC? We do a lot of co-regulation, a lot of talking about feelings, a lot of reading about feelings, a lot of trying different strategies to calm down. Nothing is working.

OP, the diagnosis isn’t just primarily for the medication. It also can help provide adequate support for your children whether they’re at school or elsewhere. It can also help them develop healthy coping mechanisms so that they can have more advocacy over their own health and wellbeing in the future. Depending on the level of neurodivergence, they could also be eligible for grants, bursaries etc. when they’re at uni. There might even be charities that do events that cater to their needs etc.

You’ve witnessed him hitting other children?
And you’ve witnessed him speaking unkindly/being mean to other children?

What did you do? What were his consequences?
Being ND doesn’t give people free reign to behave badly and hurt other children. You still need to parent the child.
You say he hates being told off. Perhaps he will learn to avoid the behaviours that will lead to this?

Right even still you need to try and get a diagnosis for him.

what punishment is he getting for being mean/hitting other children?

Have you looked into support groups for neurodiversity in your local area? Or asked the school SENCO about the ADHD, they can refer if they’re witnessing the behaviour at school. It can be heartbreaking as a parent when you feel like you’re doing everything right but it’s not sinking in! My son has ADHD and does become overwhelmed but will usually go off in a huff when something is annoying him. 6 is really young still it takes time to learn your triggers and remove yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed and other 6 year olds do not always respect others personal space! My daughter really struggled in primary making close friends but now she’s in secondary she has a close group of friends, some kids just take a bit longer than others!

@RubberBabyBuggyBumpers my eldest has ADHD (diagnosed) and he doesn’t have the same issues with anger despite having emotional regulation issues. He is older but he doesn’t lash out at others.

I’m not saying we won’t be pursuing a diagnosis, but I am saying currently it won’t help - and it will take years, anyway. Also people say it opens doors, it allows support - it really doesn’t. My other DC have had no adjustments made (even though one is severely dyspraxic and has atrocious handwriting). We have been given no information about my other DC’s conditions in terms of how to handle them.

A diagnosis does mean something because you'll handle the behaviour differently. If a child is a bit of a bully you have consequences and try to change the behaviour. If a child has SEN then you need to find other ways to manage the behaviour, teaching emotional regulation for example.

I see what you’re saying, and this was the purpose of setting out in my post about my son’s likely SEN. I know traditional parenting techniques aren’t going to work (haven’t been working).

But I don’t know what to try instead. I don’t know how to teach emotional regulation. We model it, we don’t shout, we co-regulate.

Anger management? Sorry but there’s no excuse for a ND child to be hitting others, you’re not trying hard enough.

@justkeepswimingswiming if you read my post you’ll see a lot of the time it’s reactive. He is often pushed (physically or wound up) to that point. He’s never just gone and hit a random child.

Here's some information on teaching emotional regulation.

That’s really tough that your area doesn’t give any extra support. Have they involved an OT for the dyspraxia? I would push the school for that if possible as handwriting is one of those things that doesn’t matter that much as an adult but really effects school marks. How about your local mind charity? They have a few groups in my local area for children, even if it’s more a way of meeting other parents going through similar? My son went through a period of hitting/biting when he was younger which was so tough, only thing that worked was lots of talking about triggers/feelings after he had calmed down and removing him straight away. Impossible to do at school I know. I do think consistency is key and it sounds like you’re doing everything right in terms of behaviour modelling, sometimes there are no quick fixes and time is the only thing that helps, most 6 year olds struggle with impulse/behaviour at points so being ND makes it that much harder.

You do need to start pushing for a diagnosis immediately. It may not help him now, but by the time you get to the stage where maybe he actually needs it you’ll still be facing the massive waiting list. Get on that waiting list now. It’s not about what’s going on at the moment, it’s about what may happen in the future.

I’ve worked in a SEN school where they do lots of work on helping student understand when and how to react to certain situations, and why sometimes not reacting is the better option, but that was secondary kids. At 6 he won’t have the impulse control in the moment even if he can agree outside of the moment that he shouldn’t hit. I think your best bet is to try to find an alternative action he can take and practice it with him at home. You pretend to shove him and he shouts no and walks away. I’m not sure if that’s exactly the right thing to do in that situation, you’d better do some research. But right now his response in these situations is to hit out, his conscious brain won’t be getting involved in that at all, it’s all impulse. If you can come up with an alternative action for him to do and get him to practice and practice, then you may be able to change his impulse if you see what I mean.

I feel bad for you OP reading your post. My DS1 was a bit like yours, DS2 was very different and sensitive and got bullied at school by the 'cooler' kids. Obviously it was heart breaking to witness but from my personal POV being the mother of the victim is a million times easier than being the mother of the 'bad' kid. People talk, they make judgments, they make uninformed sweeping statements like he must be picking that up at home etc. And no matter how nice and polite you are you can't win because they will presume it's a front.

I still think a diagnosis would help so staff and parents can cut him some slack. Obviously hitting can never be OK but they might be able to identify triggers better or make sure he stays away from children who are more likely to trigger him.

I found OT brilliant for emotional and sensory regulation. They can provide tailor made programs that can help regulate. Even with all your experience of ND they will assess your DS and give advice beyond your knowledge. I paid for this privately, no wait time (I'm not in UK but somewhere with crazy public waiting lists too).

You need to get him on that waiting list - even if he isn't seen for 7 years. A diagnosis at 13 may ensure that he gets an education as a SEN kid, rather than being expelled as a violent kid.

Thank you, you are only helping. But I’ve seen all this, tried it all.

He is better than he was. But still not great.

Thank you. And absolutely @Dontlletmedownbruce . My middle child is geeky, has a few close, geeky friends to talk about Mine Craft with. Far from popular, but I know they’re not unkind to others. I can hold my head high when I drop them to school.

I will tell you what I did.

Accept that this is not my child being naughty. He is struggling to cope with certain situations and behave in an appropriate manner. I regarded it as an environmental issue.

Accept that some of this can be taught or modelled. But some will only come with maturity and if he isn't at that stage yet, then he just isn't.

But, he needed to know that different behaviour is expected so there unfortunately may be consequences - either from the adult in charge or from his peers not wanting to play with him. I didn't sugar coat it. I was empathetic but with one foot in reality.

I would pinpoint which environments caused the most problems. Did he NEED to go to soft play? No. So we didn't go. I evaluated what we did and trimmed the stuff that was more negative than positive.

Beavers was another difficult one. He didn't need to go, but it would all help. They kindly let me stay, but out of sight. He said it helped him know I was close. It made him feel safe.

School, unless I home schooled, it was a necessity. (I did homeschool eventually). But as an infant child I got him to school as late as possible and had permission for him to go in via the front door, so he avoided over stimulation in the playground first thing.
He came home for lunch for a while to have a bit of quiet downtime at lunchtime.
If it was a particularly trying week, he wouldn't go in on Friday. I would phone him in sick. But he needed to decompress.

I just tried to keep his home life a calm as possible, lots of down time, so could manage appropriate behaviours and be corrected in an environment he felt secure in.

I must add that my DS was adopted and had experienced neglect, so I had a whole other layer of stuff to deal with.