to think this is a bit off?

[MagicMuffin]

Ok, firstly, I have to qualify that this is in a sh*t magazine my Nan left behind.

But, I'm reading a true-life story, and it has this line in it: "she found him an attractive man - despite his blindness"

Am I being over-sensitive or is that a bit off?

I dunno, maybe a bit too truthful? People are entitled to find anything attractive/unattractive about a person.

Ooh, I don't know njm, I'm new. How would I find out?

It is definitely a bit off! Why would a man not be attractive just because he can't see?

That's what I mean Pesto. It sort of implies that blindness is a barrier to attractiveness.

If it said "she found him attractive - despite his ginger hair" that's not really about what she finds attractive, is it? It's an implication that ginger hair isn't. Or that's how I see it.

mil gives me all these magazines. they're all full of the same sort of stuff. my husband murdered my child, i lost half my face to an illness but everyone still loves me, fern loses another 10 pounds, eastenders lose weight, pages of recipes, photos of dogs dressed up, ahh look at my son on his first day of school, how to look good on a fiver, chocolate cakes you can eat without piling on the pounds.

But disability does put people off.

It?s a fact that most people with disabilities end up marrying other people with disabilities. My dh can see although is registered as partially sighted (but you wouldn?t know) but he has blindness in his family so it was not something that put him off. But pre dh I was never asked out by anyone who could see. Now whether that?s because I am blind or just because im ugly I?m not sure, but I do think the fact I am blind did play a part. And I?m fairly positive that if anything ever happened to me and dh I would be unlikely to find another partner who was sighted.

Recently there was a phone-in on 5 live about disability and sex and there were actually people ringing/emailing in to say they found the thought of disabled people having sex repulsive .

just to add, I am totally normal. All my friends are sighted, I am fully accepted as normal, (whatever your definition of that might be but although I think a lot of people do not have issues with people with disabilities I do think that most would draw the line at romantic feelings. I genuinely believe that.

I am shocked and horrified at mn having normal people! When did we start letting you lot in? What has the world come to????? I will have to spend a good portion of my usual napping time rearranging my perception of the cyber universe.

Do you think there is an element of understanding between people with disabilities, that plays a part in the coupling up?

I'm amazed that people who find the thought of people with disabilities gettin jiggy have the intelligence to use the phone...Did some of them say "Enough of the disabled, I can't get a picture on my radio, I've rung in to find out what button I should press?"

SEA who writes that stuff?

Hang on a minute - you are not seriously suggesting that people with disabilities actually - you know - do it, are you? What if they were to reproduce - imagine! Society would fall to its knees! Well I can only quote my mil who gravely informed me that a deaf couple living near her had been "allowed" to have a child together - how irresponsible! Imagine the danger! They should have been forcibly sterilised and sent to institutions (oh hang on - that did used to happen didn't it?)

Mind you I used to work with a chap who was blind and married to a fully-sighted woman, who told me it was seriously strange the first time he made a physical move on her - as in what if he didn't find her physically attractive? So I guess it cuts both ways ...

I think a lot of it does come down to the fact that people with disabilities are still grouped together. So there are schools for the blind/deaf/physically disabled (or at least there were when I was growing up) so it?s inevitable that your boyfriends/girlfriends at school will be disabled because as a rule we get together with people who we go to school with.

And because a lot of peple with disability are so used to being with other disabled people, when they leave school they sometimes don?t have the confidence to just go out there and be in the wide world, they still find it more comfortable mixing with like-minded people, hence why there are many social groups for blind/deaf/physically disabled people, and a lot of people only mix in those circles so it stands to reason that they?re most likely to meet people in those circles who they click with and then go on to have relationships with, iyswim?

But I think that for a lot of non-disabled people there is still the thinking that disabled equals not dating material .

I have told this story on mn before..

When I was about 16 I had to travel home by coach for a long weekend. There were lots of other kids on the coach, from lots of different schools. I fell asleep and woke up when one of the girls leaned over me to get her coat, and I heard her say ?don?t want to wake her up.? And then she went on to say ?she?s blind. And you know, she?s not very pretty but she seems like a nice person.? And then she said, ?I really do feel quite sory for her, I imagine she?s never likely to find a husband, because not only is she not very pretty but she has a disability as well.?.

Now obviously she was only 16 so didn?t really have a clue, but at 16 people voice these opinions, at 26 they probably still have them, although it?s probably not politically correct to voice them.

That's a sad tale wannaBe.

Maybe she thought you were awake and intended you to hear, in the way only a 16 year old can be so bitchy?

I bet she was quite the stunner herself not.

I think you're right about 16 year olds voicing such thoughts, but I would hope that 10years on they realise the dickheadery of their words. For some though, I think it's true

at that story wannaBee

wannaBee - shocking story. I hope they are now ashamed of themselves. I remember some bitchy girls at school saying "she'll never get a boyfriend" about me - I was devastated at the time - somehow I've managed to marry and have 3 children (4th on the way) - and my children are beautiful both on the outside AND on the inside ...

If a man can't look at you, can't see you. that could affect how attractive you find HIM.

But I don't think that's how they mean it.

Tbh I think that for some people there are aspects they would find difficult to overcome. Some people like to have eye contact, that would be impossible with someone who is blind, some people like to be held, that would be impossible with someone who couldn?t move/had no arms, and so the list could potentially go on. These are all things that could be deamed to be shallow reasons, and although after getting to know someone they are things that would probably not matter so much in the grand scheme of things, it?s the getting past that initial thought that is the hard part for some, in the same way as some people couldn?t go out with someone who was ugly, even though they might be a lovely person on the inside.

I think what is annoying and faintly creepy about that magazine story is that you are not sure whether it is in indirect speech (woman's own hang-ups) or whether it's the author speaking.

If the author had wanted to clarify, she would have written something like: "X had always felt uncomfortable around blind people" (maybe even furnishing a psychological explanation- "since she read Treasure Island as a small child" or "since she was abused by her blind grandfather" or whatever)- "yet despite this, she felt attracted to Y".

The fact that she does not, does leave you wondering whether she (assuming it's a she) might actually believe that this is such a normal reaction that it doesn't need accounting for. And yes, I would take issue with that.