DP lying for DSD’s mum

[idontbelievethat]

DSD is 9 and lives here with dad. Mum has her a couple of hours to do something fun here and there, for the odd weekend or holiday ect. Very much ‘Disney mum’ as it’s called on here.

Understandably DP does his best to facilitate as much of a relationship as possible even when it inconveniences him and avoids ever talking negatively about her mum.

As she’s gotten older this means he ends up lying and pretending to be the bad guy to protect her mum and DSD’s feelings.

Will say mum is busy/ working when she isn’t or apologise and say he missed a message, forgot or said no to explain when why she hasn’t seen her etc.

Obviously mothers day tomorrow, dp has messaged mum over the last couple of weeks to arrange time DSD could go to see here this weekend but she’s busy(doesn’t want to.)
DSD has asked today if dp has heard from her mum and what time she can take her card+present.
Dp said something about how we’ve got family plans and we’re going to celebrate my Mother’s Day tomorrow and that I want to spend the day with her.

I feel this makes me seem like the bad guy who wants all her attention and isn’t allowing her to see her mum.

AIBU to not want to be the bad guy and think he’s not really protecting her by lying?

He can lie to protect her if he wants, but he shouldn’t be using you to do it.

Better he says that her mum is busy with something important if he wants to lie than blame you. Then DSD might turn against you..

I can understand where he’s coming from but at some point she will realise that he’s covering for her.

DSD needs to know she can trust her dad to put her first and this isn't going to build that trust, nor are the other lies when he makes it sound like his fault or yours. He needs to stick to explanations that won't make DSD feel she can't trust him and you. Mums busy, mum has other plans, type excuses are fine, the others are not. Sooner or later she will realise what her mum is like, when that happens she needs to know she can rely on her dad and to some extent you too. Her feeling like her dad and stepmum are blocking her relationship with her mum is only going to harm her in the long run.

This is what I think, at some point it’s going to come crashing down and it’s better it happens now and we deal with it than when she’s a teenager.
she already has one useless parent , why does she need to think the two she lives with are useless and selfish instead and then eventually find out they’re just liars she can’t trust.

I think he’s right to protect dsd from the difficult truth at her age, and if that takes a few white lies, then ok. But it’s definitely not ok to turn you and/or himself into the bad guys in the process. Like saying she has to work or has other things she needs to do. I do think over the next few years he should start being a bit more honest too. She will work it out for herself eventually, better she can talk about it with you guys than carry feelings of rejection alone x

Yeah he needs to stop doing this and tell the truth to his DD in a kind, age-appropriate way. This is the advice for adopters when talking about birth family and why DC were removed and don't have contact with them. Otherwise he's risking his DD falsely idolising her DM, because she's got no understanding of who DM really is.

He uses the mums busy lie a lot , but mum doesn’t have a proper job, drive, have many friends or family so it’s not that believable that she’s just always so busy.

Dsd asks what she’s busy doing and increasingly goes and asks mum why she hadn’t seen her or been invited someone and mum lies and says ‘ I did message your dad’ so he goes along with it being his fault to avoid saying her mums lying and just didn’t want to see her.

That’s so out of order to blame you for her useless mum not wanting to see her tomorrow. I’m outraged on your behalf, have you told him how fucked up it is and what did she say when he told her that?

If he wants to damage his relationship with her by lying that’s on his head but he has no right at all to drag you into it and you need to make that extremely clear.

This.

I can understand why but in the long run this leads to nothing but heart ache. Take it from someone with experience.

If a parent lies that other parent is busy etc then when they are older and start seeing the truth for themselves they think they have done something wrong and it's their fault because the parents behaviour has changed. When in reality it hasn't changed at all, you just can't hide the lies anymore.

Qué the child going through years of trying to change themselves to make their parent "change back".

It's heartbreaking but age appropriate truths is always best.

I appreciate the motivation is different but in some ways DSD has 2 Disney parents.
Her Dad is doing her no favours and should be telling her the (filtered) truth in an age appropriate way
No way should you get dragged into it either

I would insist on saying to her that you are not stopping her going to her mum's because of your plans to see your own mum. If it was up to you, she would get the choice. Non negotiable for me not to be able to make that clear.

He needs to tell her the truth, it can be done in a fa tual way that is age-appropriate but lying does no one any favours.

For example, my niece is a similar age and is not able to see her dad alone due to domestic abuse. He has the option of supervised contact but he very rarely arranges this. When niece asks why she can't just see him whenever she likes we all explain that he has trouble managing his feelings (aka, is abusive), that this causes him to make bad choices, that this isn't her fault, that contact has to be managed in order to keep her safe from those choices, etc. She is able to post him things if she wants to or can keep them in a box to give to him when she eventually does see him.

The key message we all give my niece is that they are his choices and that she is not responsible for them. DSD needs to be aware of the same thing, it absolutely can be explained to her in a way she will understand and it will help to manage her expectations in relation to her mother going forwards.

He is just protecting his daughter’s feelings

We used to say similar about working and being busy when our eldest asked why his grandparents had cancelled the trip out on the morning of it or why they would never accept our invitations to meet up or why they see all the other grandchildren but not him and his siblings.

Eventually one day I just said ‘I don’t know sweetheart, I don’t know the reasons why but it has absolutely nothing to do with you and you haven’t done anything wrong. You are a wonderful boy and we love you very much. Sometimes people just don’t want to do things and we never find out why and although that can be hard to accept, we just can’t change that, we have tried and that’s all we can do.’

That was the most child friendly thing I could think of, whether it was ‘right’ or not I don’t know but there’s only so many times you can make up that people are working or busy and when it comes to 6, 8 then 12+months that they’ve made no effort to see you then you need to let a child know it isn’t going to happen.

My children especially the eldest now see for themselves that zero effort is made and the GPs just don’t want to see them, it’s so sad but better than them waiting at the window to be collected or for GPs to arrive for food at ours and being cancelled on last minute.

He's not, he's denying her essential knowledge about her mother that is going to cause greater damage to her feelings in future when she does eventually really find out.

Learning that you're not responsible for other people's choices is a vital life lesson.

He needs to start telling her the truth because when dd finds out the truth, she will probably focus on dad lying rather than mum being crap. Older kids (teens +) find it much harder to accept news like that hence the move to telling adopted kids about their adoption from the start rather than doing a big reveal later.
Her dad has been the constant reliable one in her life and finding out that dad lied will shatter one of her few stable believes in her life and could send her reeling.
“Mum isn’t available” would have been the kinder thing to do. If dd asks why then you say you don’t know. As you fear, I think your partner is setting you up to be a future bad guy that she will turn on.

How sad for dsd. I don’t blame him for not wanting to break her heart. But he needs to find a way of being honest with her. It could cause her to resent you if she thinks you are demanding she spend the day with you.

I think he should have a conversation with her Mum on how to proceed. Tell her he will no longer cover for her lack of interest.

He’s not protecting his DD. He is just creating a situation where she will trust no one.

He needs to be honest without indulging in slagging off the woman, and then help his DD process her feelings about having such a rubbish mother. That is hard work, but better in the long run to do it now.

"Unfortunately mum's busy but how about we package up her present to post to her and you can decorate the parcel, make it look all special for her. And we're going to have a lovely day here together doing xyz."

Ideally done in advance next time to avoid last minute disappointment.

You don't have to post it, just get him to drop it off.

That way you're slowly lowering her expectations and acclimatising to distance.

He sounds like he is a good dad trying to do his best.

While DSD is young, it's appropriate.

She will learn the trust when she's older.

This reminds me of how my DBIL explained his DS’s mum’s absence from his life. She left them because she’d never bonded properly with him after having PND. My DBIL let his DS think that it was a mutual decision, and his DS ended up believing that his dad had sent her away. My DSis always thought that this had been a mistake, but she stayed out of it.

However, what he didn’t do was give him any suggestion that my his stepmum, my DSis, was to blame in any way. That was a very good thing, as she was his main carer during his teenage years.

Your DH is well out of order to be involving you in this way, as it really does risk your DSD turning against you when she becomes a teenager.

I agree with most other posters, he's not doing his daughter any favours by lying to her like this, and why does he feel that he should protect her mother, by backing up her lies? He needs to start telling his DD every time that her Mum says no to seeing her, that she's busy, then when DD asks doing what, just say he doesn't know. Then when she does see her, she'll likely ask her, and if she comes out with the shit that she sent a message to her Dad, he needs to tell her that she didn't. She'll soon pick up that it's actually her Mother who is the flakey one. In the meantime OP, I would be making it VERY clear to him that in no way do you agree with what he's doing, and if he blames you, or uses you in excuses in the future, you will tell his DD the truth.