Male dominated workplace and CMS

[curlysue701]

I work in a male dominated profession. I’ve recently changed roles within the organisation, and now sit in a small office with senior management, although I am not senior myself. The majority of the time I am the only female in this office, all the senior management are men.

I’m polite, keep my head down and do my job. But regular conversations they have are beginning to grate on me. They mostly discuss their divorces, children, ex-wives. This is to complain about how “shafted” they all are by the CMS systems, how greedy their ex-wives are.

The figures being bandied about which they feel so aggrieved by, are between £300-600 a month for 1-2 children. They all feel this is “robbing them”, that it’s “all about the money” for their ex-wives/partners.

I know this is more money than many people get through CMS, but from what I understand will only be 12-16% of their income. I don’t feel this is a huge amount. It costs a lot to raise a child. For example £300 wouldn’t come close to the costs if you have a child in nursery, and caring for them the majority of the time and need to feed, clothe and house them just to name the very basics.

From what I can gather none of them have the children a huge amount either, it seems to be the standard EOW and 1 night in the week. None of them seem to have anything close to 50/50 nor want it. One commented this week- “well I’d like to have my children more but I can’t because of work”. I politely asked if the mother doesn’t work, and the response was that she does.

One was telling a story recently of how he never liked the mother of his child much, and was disappointed when she became pregnant and did not want the relationship or child. He now resents paying maintenance for a child he did not want to have. I wanted to scream “well if you didn’t even like her, why were you sleeping with her? She was good enough for that”. But of course I didn’t!

AIBU to think now that many men must think the same way? Or do I just work with a particular type of man?

Earplugs?

If you spoke to my ex he’d probably say the same, that I was constantly on at him about money. You’d get the impression that I was greedy, money grabbing etc.

This month he has sent me £90 for 2 children.

Now it’s normal for women to work, in many cases men expect women to work and, in some cases, earn as much or more than they do- but also still do everything else, whilst all they have to do is work. As for your colleagues not having their children more, it’s very convenient for them not to have to plan their day around having to leave the office by 5pm.

Love this

Listen to music in air pods.

I suppose I’m wondering if this is normal attitude towards paying towards children or if I’m just in some weird epicentre for tw*ttery?!

And yes you are right about them not having to worry about what time they finish. It’s really struck me actually how all of the senior management are men. I’m very junior myself, and for full disclose I am a single parent in receipt of CMS, which goes nowhere near what it costs to raise my child. I am also faced with the fact my career will unlikely progress to that level.

Are they your managers? Would there be a backlash if you spoke up? I’d struggle not to argue the toss with them, but appreciate that could damage your career. I had a job like this once, being the only woman sat listening to misogynistic chatter from bosses. You have my sympathy xx

I’d try to focus on what you can learn from them. It’s rare that senior management is perfectly pleasant. Try to leave that bit and absorb what you for the skills they have.

These men are misogynists who were dumped for being indifferent to their families. Probably carried on a single lifestyle and were 'blindsided' when served divorce papers.

They don't think they're obligated to pay for their children. Times have really changed because at one time, you'd be seen as a bit of a scumbag for shirking responsibility. There's no sense of decency anymore.

I presume the decent dads who do gladly pay maintenance, understanding that it's simply them doing their basic duty to pay for their kids, don't see it as comment-worthy - any more than they would constantly keep going on about, say, their monthly gas or council tax bills.

It's probably like you'd assume that all MILs are truly dreadful, going on MN; whereas the vast amount of people, like me, with lovely MILs never feel the need to start a thread about them.

Plenty of separated parents don't even go through the CMS in the first place, as they're perfectly able to put the fact that they no longer love each other anymore aside and focus on providing for their joint kids; so the absent parent happily pays a much more realistic amount and not just (grudgingly) the bare minimum that the CMS orders them to.