Just feeling sad

[Justcoffee]

Long-time lurker here , decided to get some things off my chest. It’s one of those low-mood days, and the rain is hitting the windows as I sit here with a coffee, contemplating my life. I guess I just feel a bit down. It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow, and as much as I’ll carry on smiling, enjoying my children, and making the best of it, I can’t help but feel that painful pang in my gut because I’m doing it alone.
My ex won’t make an effort. He does nothing for the kids—nothing at all. The last time I had a night out was eight years ago. I have no one to babysit, not a single person. Believe me, I’ve thought this through.
Three years ago, I left home with nothing but black bags and my kids. We set off not knowing where we were going only that we had to get away. His mental health struggles took a toll on all of us, and it was time to go. I stayed with a friend until I got a council house, and from there, I’ve been trying to rebuild our lives.
Pulling yourself out of the depths of despair, feeling so sick with fear that you can’t even eat, wondering, How am I going to do this?—but I have. I’ve just taken it day by day, winging it as best I can. No one knows the tears I’ve shed, heartbroken over the life that could have been and the overwhelming task of raising four children alone.
But I’m pushing forward. I enrolled in a course, and I start university in September—trying to better myself, for them and for me. Everyone always says your doing great , hats off to you, i couldnt do what you are doing... i just smile and say its for the kids, but it kills me inside. i dont know what i want to gain from this post , i guess just a rant and aibu to just feel lost in life chasing a dream and hoping someday il get the life I feel like everyone else has but me ( I know it's not all as picture perfect as it seems) just feel a bit down today.. Anyone relate?

I'm not in the same situation, but happy days are on their way. You have achieved so much on your own and you've taken your four children away from a toxic influence. It's difficult when you're on your own, and maybe it's time to start looking after yourself now, with a view to making a circle of friends of your own.

It's a tough gig making major life changes and hoping everything falls into the right places.

I have had several very difficult choices in the last decade and I've tried to make them as emotionless as possible. Make your decisions with a strategy to harm-minimisation to yourself and the children if something does not pan out ... but OTOH, take intrepid steps that can be built upon.

Stay as confident as you can and step aside from the self-doubt.

You just get up every morning, make your bed and place your veils of hope and confidence on over your underwear. When you feel a tinge of fear, cuddle two or more of your children. They'll know why or work it out in the not too distant future.

I'm very lucky to have met some great friends on my course ,people similar to me in nature, have children so we relate in many ways. The only difference is that they have great husbands and fathers in their lives and a full life outside of college, spending time with their families, as they should. I talk to them every day and know they’re just a message away, but I don’t see them much outside of college.
I'm trying to build my own little circle because, when I was with him, he was all I had. I lost contact with people, outgrew others and as life goes on, people just move on with their own lives. I wouldn’t necessarily say I feel lonely or that I want a partner I couldn't be less interested. I feel completely detached from the idea of a relationship, almost numb to it. I think my experience with him left such a bitter taste that it has put me off entirely. I don’t even know what I feel or want.
Over the past few months, two men have shown interest in me, but both times, I simply said, "I'm sorry, I'm not ready." The truth is, I just don’t want to.
I had a year of counseling to help me pull myself together, and it was amazing. My counselor was fantastic and helped me a lot. I was also deeply inspired by her own life story, and we developed such a strong bond that we actually became friends afterward.

Yes YABU. I know it's hard to be a opf but really OP you are having a massive wallow!

You've got housing, you're doing a university course and you are a mother to four children. A lot of people would envy you.

Try to be grateful with what you have, hold up your head and be relieved you are not having to put up with an awful partner in the house. If you can focus on the positive and be grateful for it you will feel a lot better.

Yes I totally agree with you here! I am having a wallow and yeah just a down day. From the life we had and what we have been through to now a safe, relaxed nice home I have created , don't get me wrong I know I'm truly blessed to have a home, health and lovely kids. Just yeah it's been a long week and feel a bit emotional

From how you come across in your post, I don't think you realise how amazing you are. One day, you will look back and see. You are showing your children you do not need a man to survive or to define you. You can be independent. You don't have to settle for less. You are showing them that life is not fair, but you have the resilience and strength to keep breathing and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think it's brilliant that you are starting university in September. It's a new start and a new future - who knows what doors will open up to you. Focus on the positives and give yourself a pat on the back - don't listen to the little devil on your shoulder.

Life can be very hard for some of us, and happiness and sorrow is not dished out evenly. You have the cards you're dealt, and all you can do is play them the best you can, and resist peeking at other people's hands. You have played your (rubbish) cards the best you can, and have done amazingly for your children, but I completely get that it doesn't feel like life is good for you. And, there's absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that. You don't have to count your blessings all the time. Sometimes it's rather liberating to say "This is all a bit shit really" have your vent, have your cry. Then you just roll up your sleeves, and keep on keeping on, all the time remembering, this is NOT how your life has 'turned out'. Until you're on your death bed, you've no idea how it will turn out. Fortunes change in unexpected ways at any stage of life. You've years ahead of you, you're working towards a brighter future, so keep the faith.

Couldn't agree more. Despite the "it could be worse" messaging we sometimes hear, it does sound like life has been very hard for you. What course are you starting? I think that's wonderful.

I think mother's day is very triggering for alot of us who don't fit into the perfect family scenario . We're just waiting for it to be over really . It sounds like youre doing a fantastic job bringing up four children while doing a degree . Well done you xx

Glad to hear it @Justcoffee

Now go out and try to do something nice for yourself this afternoon!

Will your DC bring you breakfast in bed tomorrow? Mine used to get me some amazing MD presents like a dandelion, a picture and one year a hand 'embroidered' t-shirt! They were so sweet and hilarious and I treasured those presents.

Be kind to yourself. You have shown huge strength and grit to do what you have done so far: so many women never manage to leave toxic relationships. You have rescued yourself and your DC from a hellish life with your ex. It must have taken huge bravery to get away but you did it, you got yourselves a home and you are giving your DC a safe, stable, loving future.

Having finally left a toxic relationship myself after several years of staying put, the biggest gift I have now is my peace of mind; no longer dreading putting the key in the front door because I didn’t know what I was going to get. I live alone now, and sometimes feel a bit sad and lonely, BUT I am so grateful to have my home which is my sanctuary, and to have peace.

Focus on the lovely family unit you have with your children. Fantastic that you are starting university - that will give you another sense of purpose and motivation, and you will widen your social circle. Hopefully you will also increase your job and earning potential too.

A new relationship may or may not come along but you will know if/when you are ready. For now, you have a busy life, with 4 DC and a university course on the horizon, so keep focusing on the positives, and the fact you are moving onwards and upwards.

I hope you have a lovely Mother’s Day tomorrow with your DC, whatever you do together. Keep going!

I'm going to do criminology and criminal justice. I want to work with young offenders , a support worker maybe something along them lines. I don't know why I just have this strong desire to try help young people improve their life, build a better future for themselves x

My dd11 who is such a kindly wee being asked me a couple of weeks ago if she could order some things from temu. I did get a glimpse when the package arrived and I know its wee gifts for mothers day. My oldest is 16 will most likley go to the local shop and get me flowers and chocs and the other 2 dc will follow suit and maybe make me tea. Honestly means the world to me that they are such great kids and do this off their own bat. Honestly warms my heart so much , makes me emotional thinking them and their wee acts of kindness.

Relate to that feeling of the key in the door and the now feeling of peace of mind. You could not buy peace of mind. I remember when I left and got my own place I remember realising one day as silly as this sounds but I never just lay down and crashed on the sofa, I sat always tensed up and on edge and couldn't relax. I would rather be lonely now than ever experience that feeling again. I'm glad you're life has got better for you away from that environment and thank you for your lovely message

When you've lived on your nerves for a long time, it can be difficult to adjust to peace and calm, and it can result in a strong feeling of something missing. All that mental energy and adrenalin you spent years expending, suddenly has nowhere to go, and it can feel like a gap that needs filling. When you start your course and have a new challenge and new stimulus, you might find that does the trick. Because even the loss of something awful from your life leaves a void and it can be unsettling until you fill it.

Honestly ... I would love to be in your position! Currently emboiled in divorce and mediation with a narcissist who refuses to work and it is excruciating. Wish I could be out the other side!