To not buy my narcissistic mother a Mother’s Day gift?

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Relationship with my mum has never been right - she’s treated me my whole life like a total inconvenience and all I ever do is over compensate, I usually never turn up at her house without a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates. Spend hundreds on Christmas and birthdays, I never stop trying always hoping one day she’ll just love me like I love my kids. Long story short I was married to a narc and we divorced 7 years ago, we had a daughter and my mum has been an ok grandmother to her ( just inconsistent ) I met another man and married him ( this man is amazing and has finally showed me what it is to be just loved for who I am ) we had a baby last year and throughout my whole pregnancy my mum talked about how involved she was going to be, planned with my then 8 year old how she was going to stay over at nanny’s when the baby came, how she’d take her to school, be involved etc. For the first time ever I really believed things would be different. Then I had my son! As soon as I got to the hospital my mum was texting telling me how unwell she was, brought my daughter to the hospital to hold the newborn baby even though she’d said she was at deaths door ( she was all glammed up for photos ) I’d had a c section so had to stay in- my mum proceeded to text me and tell me how upset my daughter was- I felt utterly helpless. The next day she text constantly asking when I would be discharged as she was too unwell to care for my daughter. I offered to get her dad to get her but she said no. My new husband had messaged my mum and explained we weren’t going to be leaving the hospital until late and she’d need to look after her grandchild like we agreed- it had been 1 day. When we eventually arrived home, she came in for a hold of the baby, basically chucked my daughter at me and left to go for lunch sending pictures of her and my dad with a glass of wine. She hadn’t even fed my daughter. Didn’t hear another word from her for a week, my new husband looked after all 3 of us including getting up all night with the baby and taking my daughter to school and back every day. My mum eventually got in contact asking if she could visit with a relative. When I said it wasn’t a good time she got annoyed. Said I was selfish for not letting her show the baby off. This happened multiple times with various random people - in the end I gave in but the only time I saw her was when she turned up at my house to show off the baby. She didn’t even ask me how I was feeling. Not once. I confronted her but of course I got nothing. She actually told me I was in the wrong for not allowing her as head of the family to invite an endless stream of people into my home to hold my newborn. My entire relationship with her changed after my son was born and it’s like I finally saw her for what she is but I’ve carried on for 11 more months and she’s just got worse, she’s made little effort with my kids, barely bothered at Christmas ( invited us for dinner on the 23rd December after inviting the whole family weeks before ) for my birthday in January she left my present in my bin when she knew I was out. She hurt her knee and I messaged every day for months to see how she was - never once did she ask how me or my kids were. I just stopped in the end and didn’t hear from her for 3 months. She text this week saying ‘ I will get X from school ’ like she’s doing us all some huge favour. My daughter who’s now 9 has been so upset at not seeing her grandmother and I’ve ran out of excuses and decided to just be honest with her. If you are still here and reading - where do I go from here ? I’m so hurt I can’t continue a relationship with her, she’ll never change. She’s also really two faced and I know she will speak badly behind my back. My brother who does the bare minimum with her / for her ( golden child ) had a baby 3 months after I did and she’s like the most doting granny that ever was. I’m hurt for how she’s treated my kids and I’m hurt for all the years she’s treated me badly too- the above is just the tip of the iceberg, I’d be typing for days to cover all the awful things she’s done to me. It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and I really want to just leave it. No big bouquet of flowers, no theatre tickets or expensive cosmetics. I will be vilified forever if I do though- thoughts ?

Sounds like you're starting to let go of the hope that she will ever change, and that is BRUTALLY painful. She's your mum, you want and need her love and approval, that's totally natural. Despite all the fluffy stuff we hear about mums, some of them are just not capable of thinking about anyone but themselves. It hurts so badly, and I know how you feel. It's seriously tough

That said, you realize that you're not going to get what you need from her. You don't want to spend time and money on expensive gifts for her - so don't. Respect yourself and your own wishes. This will be weird at first but it gets easier over time. Remember that nothing you do could ever be 'good enough' for your mother, so just stop trying. Do what YOU want to do, and start learning to trust yourself

If you feel unable to judge how to treat a person, I think it is a good rule of thumb to match their energy. What she does for your birthday, you do for hers. Really try to resist the urge to over compensate.

so re Mother’s Day, do what she would do for your birthday. Eg card and cheap chocs ( or nothing!) if she objects, just sat ‘oh I thought that’s what we are doing now.’ Keep things low key and neutral as possible. Try not to react to dramatics.

It is very hurtful when you are the scape goat, and you can see how a golden child is treated. Your best response is NOT to demonstrate that you are as important as the golden child. Your best response is to show to yourself that you reflect others consideration of you, back at them.

Don't do anything for her, it's your mother's day too, enjoy it for yourself.

You know that your mum doesn't really care about you and that any offers to visit are not to genuinely help you but to show off to other people that she is some sort of doting granny when the opposite is true.

Don't acknowledge Mother's Day in any way. She doesn't deserve even a card. Concentrate all your energies on your own family.

Stop caring what anyone else thinks, then it doesn't matter what she says behind your back. She's hurt your DD, it isn't good for your children to be shown that you don't have boundaries. Focus on that. I would have posted a card and that's it. She's never going to be the Mother she should have been. She is never going to be the grandmother your DD deserves. It's time for honesty, if she has anything to say, you've got nothing to lose.

Stop putting your daughter through the confusion of this awful woman.

Start focusing on your children and your family rather than poisoning your life chasing a horrible person who brings nothing to the life of your family.

You are a mother and you need to be protecting your children not chasing after someone who causes you so much pain and upset.

Your children deserve better than you being focused on her and not them.

Take control of this situation and end it.

Do you really want your children looking back on their childhood describing how fxxked up it was because Mom lived her life chasing after nasty granny who enjoyed messing with her?

Get some therapy to figure out how not to live your life chasing someone who likes hurting you.

Apologies if that is harsh but you need to wake up.

You have handed over all your power, happiness and your children's, to this awful wom.

Stop it.

Do you actually want to be like your mother and mess up your children or do you want to do better?

Because at the moment you are not doing better.
You are focusing on yourself and your needs when your childrens needs are more important.

She's toxic. Cut her out permanently.
No drama, no conversation, just block and be done.

Good parents do this to protect their children.
I know. I did it.
Stop focusing on yourself and do whats right for your children.

You can do it.

Just to make yourself feel better, just give her a card and a bunch of daffs

Drop the rope. Text her a short message tomorrow then be busy with your own children. Be happy, with her at a long distance. She can reap what she's sown.
💐

I think it’s quite common to finally see toxic parents for what they really are once they start treating your own children the way they treated you. I love PPs suggestion of match her energy. Do cheap card and flowers for Mother’s Day.

Do not let her pick your daughter up from school. If you’re feeling brave tell her it’s because her swanning in and out of your daughter’s life is hurtful and you won’t allow it. If you’re feeling less brave, just make up any old excuse and keep doing it until she gets the message.

It’s great that you have finally found happiness with your lovely DH. Focus on your own family unit, and don’t let her into your bubble.

Never see her again

never let your daughter see her again

I never get mine one … I search through the cards to find one that doesn’t say “best mother ever” or “love” etc. Managed to find one that says “mothers day” on the front (factual), and is blank inside.

She doesn’t deserve your energy. No matter what you do, it won’t be enough, so stop doing anything. Focus on your family. Leave her to stew.

Cut mine off 5 years ago, only regret not doing it sooner. It was tough, painful but in the end the right thing to do for myself and my children's mental health and also unpredictable behaviour of my dad - physical. The more you distance the more you will see how toxic they are and the stronger you will become. Oh and just because son is golden boy I bet she's still giving the daughter in law hell . Let them.by Mel Robbins is an audio book that has helped me so much def worth a listen.

If you dislike your mother, why would you even acknowledge Mother's Day, let alone give her a gift?
It's not compulsory, OP - just forget about her, and get on with your life.

Honestly cut her off.. you're never going to get her love or any answers for why she's treated you awfully all these years it's hard I get exactly where you're coming from. My own mother went out for a pack of cigarettes and didn't come back. She watched in the background while my dad was worried for her safety and filed a missing person report on her. She left 3 kids without a mum. Not that we initially cared she was an abusive narcissist but it still hurt to think that mum didn't want or love her own kids. Tried to reconnect many times and get answers. Ones I knew I would never get. She wanted to compensate her shortcomings with my own children and tried to muscle in and take over.when my marriage failed she wanted to make out I couldn't cope alone with five children and tried to get my younger kids talked into staying with her especially during COVID under the false pretence of "helping". She lied and said that all of her abuse to me as a child was a figment of my imagination and wouldn't take any responsibility. I cut her out of my life for good and it's the best thing I did for peace in our lives.As far as I'm concerned I have no mother

Life is too short for this shit. I would go no contact. she isn’t adding and benefit to you or your families lives.

I cut off my NM and it’s been the best thing I did. When I announced I was pregnant many years ago with my first child, the next day she phoned me up and announced she had booked the World cruise for when my baby was due, saying ‘oh you don’t mind do you?’ That was typical behaviour for her. She’s the only person in my life that has bullied and humiliated me constantly. I use to find Mothers Day very upsetting and triggering. All those flowery cards and heartfelt love, when all I had was a cruel old viper who took every opportunity to upset me. Mother’s Day just reminded me of what I didn’t have and I felt angry at myself for feeling pressurised into sending a card & gift as NM expected it and usually made some snipe about whatever I got her. Now I’m NC I’m so much happier as I can begin to move on from it all. Mothers Day like everything else has become a commercial circus anyway and it’s especially hard for those of us with toxic mothers.

I could have written this. Mine is exactly the same. I've been nothing but a burden and a chore to that woman since I was small and I was the most placid people pleasing child you could ever come across. My sister is horrible to people, and my mother dotes on her. I moved out, I have two children, a husband with a good job, I work in education and we have a normal nice life. I got my degree while kids were very small, we have worked our arses off for everything we have, never had any help from anyone. She has never once praised any of it. Sister ruined her own marriage, had a baby then gave him up for adoption but instead my mother at 65 years old has sole care of him. Like your mother mine barely bothers with my children though, this is the woman that babysat for me maybe once a year but told her friends (when she had some) that I was the devil and broke her heart because i moved away (i wonder why)
I don't understand it. I cut ties years ago, but gave in last March because my grandmother was very unwell (my mothers mother). She didn't even care about her either. I was left solely caring for my nanny who has since passed away and I couldn't hate my mother more if I tried. I shit you not, this woman never once offered to help care for her, but when I had to pass on that my nanny had died she instantly contacted the bank to have her money. It was disgusting and I will never look at her the same again.
My advice to you is these people never change, she will always choose her own reputation or public persona over you. I don't know why some of us are the ones shoved aside for siblings, I have never understood that. It's a cruel way to be and I know my mother will end up very lonely tbh and she's brought it on herself.
In your position I would just stop bothering. The hurt for your children will eventually pass, mine just see her for what she is and she's done that herself. I hope you all manage to move on from it, and go and enjoy your mother's day, for YOU ❤️