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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should come downstairs too

27 replies

Squiggletime · 29/03/2025 07:30

Every weekend I am downstairs with the children while DH lies in bed awake. This morning DS is having a meltdown (he’s autistic) screaming, banging. DH is awake so will be able to hear yet is still just lying there. When I’ve brought it up before he says it’s because he gets up early in the week for work but I’m also up around half an hour after him with the kids. I think what’s not helping is that he’s going on a night out too tonight so I’ll have to deal with this all on my own again

OP posts:
TrínaCheile · 29/03/2025 07:32

I think it’s fair to take turns getting up early with kids on weekends. One lie-in each or so

Original poster
Squiggletime · 29/03/2025 07:32

@TrínaCheile Yes this would be good but it never happens

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 29/03/2025 07:34

There are two days in a weekend, that's one lie in and a cup of coffee each.

Your DH is being a selfish arse. Tell him in future, you will be going out for coffee for an hour's sanity time on Sunday mornings, and he will be looking after his children while you do.

Confusedformer · 29/03/2025 07:34

You definitely should take it in turns to have a lie in.

I’ve always worked P/T and my husband has a very heavy job (he did 60+ hours a week when my first child was 0-4). We absolutely both got a lie in at weekends.

Starryknightcloud · 29/03/2025 07:37

Mothers day tomorrow so no excuse for not getting a lie in then

Sparespare · 29/03/2025 07:38

So basically he leaves all the parenting to you whilst he gets to lie in bed on a weekend and go out socialising by himself at night time?
Of course that's not right.
Perhaps you should take your DS up to the bedroom and you go back downstairs and let your H deal with the meltdown.

SpongeKnobNoPants · 29/03/2025 07:39

👆👆👆 what they said

You're both parents to these children, so both need to equally parent them. He doesn't get to opt out as and when it suits him.

The resentment of him doing this would absolutely build up and burn in me. I couldn't stand it.

BePinkOrca · 29/03/2025 07:40

I am an early riser and can deal with mornings better so I always did the morning shift keeping the kids quiet and entertained whilst H slept in. Then I would get a couple of hours in the afternoon/evening to have a nap/bath/read…just me time. This always worked well for our house as both parents got what they needed to relax on a weekend. You got to find what works for you both as a team.

ilovelamp82 · 29/03/2025 07:42

Squiggletime · 29/03/2025 07:32

@TrínaCheile Yes this would be good but it never happens

Well make it happen, don't let him get away with it. It is the only thing that is fair so if you want change than you have to stop giving in and letting him get away with it.

DorothyStorm · 29/03/2025 07:43

Starryknightcloud · 29/03/2025 07:37

Mothers day tomorrow so no excuse for not getting a lie in then

I think the excuse is going to be he went out tonight.

op, dont get out of bed tomorrow.

and if you don't work, go back to work

PotThePens · 29/03/2025 07:44

Then you need to do something about it. Have a talk and agree that Saturday is X person's lie in and Sunday the other person. Tell him if he doesn't stick to it ie he has his but you don't get yours then all bets are off and you will bring the children back upstairs into the bedroom. If you can't get a child back upstairs you make damn sure he doesn't get that lie in.

He is a parent too, he gets one lie in and you as the other parent gets one lie in. He is being selfish and you don't have to let it happen. This should be a team effort, a partnership. Contempt for someone will end a relationship so get this sorted now.

Dh worked full time and I was a sahm. Dh got a lie in on a Saturday and I got one on the Sunday. That way Dh also spent one on one time with his children without me as backup so if he needed a poo he had to figure out how I did that during the day with no one around to watch the baby, as in he would not disturb my lie in, he figured it out for himself, just like I did.

DorothyStorm · 29/03/2025 07:44

BePinkOrca · 29/03/2025 07:40

I am an early riser and can deal with mornings better so I always did the morning shift keeping the kids quiet and entertained whilst H slept in. Then I would get a couple of hours in the afternoon/evening to have a nap/bath/read…just me time. This always worked well for our house as both parents got what they needed to relax on a weekend. You got to find what works for you both as a team.

Op‘s husband doesnt want to do that so how is your story helpful?

hjokhjjjkkkd · 29/03/2025 07:46

You take turns. And it he doesn’t, I suspect lie ins are just the tip of the iceberg in terms of relationship problems with him.

TheCurious0range · 29/03/2025 07:47

We have a lay in day each, that lay in is only until around 8:30 but it's nice not to have to bounce straight out of bed. I'm having a bonus today because it's DHs lay in day but he decided to get up early and go to the gym instead and DS is still in bed! I'm awake and have made a cup of tea but it's nice to relax.
What does he say when you propose a day each?

MesmerisingMuon · 29/03/2025 07:47

Squiggletime · 29/03/2025 07:32

@TrínaCheile Yes this would be good but it never happens

So make it happen. Its not an option.

Tell him that as you got up this morning then he needs to get up tomorrow morning.

If he's going out tonight then tough shit. He should have got up this morning instead!

Original poster
Squiggletime · 29/03/2025 07:51

When I’ve suggested in the past we take turns he’ll say ok, DS starts crying and trying to drag me out of bed, I’ll remind him that it’s his turn to get up, he’ll go “one minute” and it gets to a point he’s still lying there while DS is screaming so I just end up getting up. I know I need to be stronger with this and not be a pushover

OP posts:
BePinkOrca · 29/03/2025 07:59

DorothyStorm · 29/03/2025 07:44

Op‘s husband doesnt want to do that so how is your story helpful?

Show quote history

Her husband doesn’t want to get up in the morning. My suggestion was maybe she could have some time at another point in the day if this works for the family/ or alternate like other people have suggested. I don’t see the point in them all being awake and miserable downstairs, surely that makes a miserable start to a weekend for everyone.

GirlInterrupted · 29/03/2025 08:01

DorothyStorm · 29/03/2025 07:44

Op‘s husband doesnt want to do that so how is your story helpful?

Show quote history

How do you know that?

hjokhjjjkkkd · 29/03/2025 08:22

Squiggletime · 29/03/2025 07:51

When I’ve suggested in the past we take turns he’ll say ok, DS starts crying and trying to drag me out of bed, I’ll remind him that it’s his turn to get up, he’ll go “one minute” and it gets to a point he’s still lying there while DS is screaming so I just end up getting up. I know I need to be stronger with this and not be a pushover

It’s not just the lie ins though is it? Someone that selfish doesn’t tend to have isolated incidents of selfishness.

AlertCat · 29/03/2025 08:22

What is it with these men who have kids but don’t want to parent them and don’t want to give their beloved wives some time off to relax? FFS.

No idea what to suggest, if he can’t see the unfairness then he won’t be told. I ended up leaving mine. There were other issues, but if this husband won’t share the child rearing I imagine lie-ins are not the only issue here either.

ThisOldThang · 29/03/2025 08:22

OP has five lie-ins a week totalling 2.5 hours, so husband should have a 2.5 hour Saturday lie-in. They should then take it in turns to have lie-ins on alternate Sundays.

Original poster
Squiggletime · 29/03/2025 08:25

@ThisOldThang I get what you’re saying but they aren’t exactly lie ins

OP posts:
ThisOldThang · 29/03/2025 08:33

In terms of how much sleep you're both getting, they are lie-ins.

Original poster
Squiggletime · 29/03/2025 08:36

The definition of a lie in to me is either having a couple of extra hours asleep than normal or being able to chill out in bed for a while. Neither of them I do

OP posts:
hjokhjjjkkkd · 29/03/2025 09:09

ThisOldThang · 29/03/2025 08:33

In terms of how much sleep you're both getting, they are lie-ins.

Getting up 30 mins later in the week is not a lie in, I assume the DH is just sorting himself out for work and OP is tending to the kids. The joy of a lie in is not having to rush into the drudgery.