Friend getting married

[DaisyChain2132]

Very good friend met someone online.

She is from another country. He has met her a couple of times for a week or so in various locations over the last few years. He has had relationsships with other women in between the meet ups (to try and get over her), but says as much as he has tried, he keeps coming back to the fact that she is the one. She has never been to the UK. He has never been to her home country.

He has had a lot of very toxic relationships, and this one is the first one where it's not toxic, he feels absolutely in love and sure she is the one. Both are around 40. She has a grown up child.

She speaks English, but the rest of her family don't.

He has proposed to her and they are getting married in a third country soon. None of his friends are going. His family is toxic, but even the one member of his family that he is close to can't get to the wedding (sounds to me like they can't be bothered to travel across the world to attend, but might also be disapproval).

So he is going alone. No best man, no friends, no family. He doesn't speak the language.

It will be hard for her to get a visa for the UK as he doesn't meet the earning threshold to sponsor her. It's unlikely he could move to her country. Even if he did, he doesn't speak the language (it's a different alphabet). He has depression, sometimes better, sometimes not. Medical care in her country is iffy. The culture is very different. He would really struggle to find work.

It will be a big culture shock for her to move to the UK. She might not get work, she might not make friends. He isn't well off at all, so she will need to work.

He has kept all this very much to himself, but is absolutely determined. He dreamed of a traditional wedding, having his relative as best man etc. He has given all of that up.

He is so in love, which is beautiful to see, but I fear he is completely blinded by love.

He is likely to come into a large chunk of money soon (inheritance), which will.hekp him.get on his feet in the UK. But he will lose half of if there is a divorce, and he will be back to a precarious financial position.

I feel that if I speak up, it will just drive him to be even more determined. I genuinely want this to work out for him, but I have never seen so many red flags! It's also a strain on the friendship if I voice concerns and he does it anyway, feeling that I disapprove.

What would you do? Speak up or support and be there if it all goes wrong? We are close friends, we have been attracted to each other in the past, but never crossed that line.

Inheritance can be kept separate from the marital pot if he gets very good legal advice and follows it.

The courts do take into account the financial status of the other spouse though and of she is going to be left destitute they may give her some or half regardless of legal protection.

He sounds determined, nothing you can say is going to stop him... The best thing you can do is try to get him to be smart about it.

I would say you support him no matter what, but these are some legal things he should consider just in case.

A good friend has awkward and hard conversations but is still there when shit hits the fan (and there's every chance it will. Such cultural differences will be a sticking point when they are actually living day to day and the honeymoon is over.)

It must be hard watching someone you’re close to make possibly major mistakes in their life & not try to intervene but as you say it’s unlikely that anything you do say will stop him if he’s that much in love & happy. Having said that you could just say that as his friend you feel you want to check that if he’s considered the obstacles you’re forseeing & couch it in a purely looking out for him point of view. However you never know they might just figure it out! It’s hard to know from your post if you’re hinting that his betrothed might be after his inheritance?? And if you yourself have any deeper feelings towards him that are influencing your concerns? You say you have both been attracted to eachother but never acted on it. Are you single? Are you fearful of losing him if he marries &/or moves overseas? Maybe you are worrying a bit too much for him?? If so why?? If you’re not harbouring feelings just be there for him as a friend & support him through the highs & lows as they may happen & hopefully their love will triumph.

where are they planning to live after the wedding? It sounds like getting her a visa to come to the uk should be a high priority. If they are both in the uk and he has supportive friends, he can be ok. And she will need to settle in to.

Speak up or forever hold your peace.

Unless you have something genuine to suggest exploitation or abuse - you could just be supportive and happy for your friend?

You could ask about plans from a position of caring and being excited rather than suspicion. You could attend the wedding yourself or ask if there’s a virtual option or whatever to show you’re excited.

She could be taking him for a ride. He could be exploiting her. Or they could be a couple who have decided even if they cannot live together they want to be formally a couple. It’s a decision some major and it’s reasonable for them to do that.

He could learn her language. They could both look to see if there’s a third country they could live in together. They can accept that long distance is what they got and do that.

Frankly if she can’t get a visa out of him, it’s a long game she’d be playing to get her hands on a likely inheritance at an unknown point in the future. There’s probably easier marks.

It’s a mystery to me how they’ve managed to ‘fall in love’ after spending hardly any time together, and never seeing one another in their home environment, meeting one another’s friends and family etc.

His friends (other than me) are not supportive, that's one of the red flags. I have so far been totally supportive and happy for him. But my gut tells me it's an absolutely terrible idea. I have been there for him when his life fell apart before. He's just about ok now and I can see the next huge car crash coming down the line.

I had a bad marriage. So many people could have raised red flags, but didn't. A very few did mildly hint, but I didn't get what they were saying. In retrospect I wish people had spoken up. But then ... would I have listened?!?

Helpful to get other people's views on here, so I can check I am not letting my own trauma etc influence me.

To the poster who asked if I am harbouring feelings: I don't think so. I like him and care about him, but I am genuinely happy for him. I am single, but I am also not in the market for a relationship. I need some time alone.

I only included that line about being attracted, because I also dont want him to get the idea that I have a hidden agenda. He's had such a tough time, he deserves happiness. I just really think it is a terrible idea to marry a woman he has spent some lovely holidays with, but never met any of her friends and family, never argued, never had to solve problems with. For him it's the first time of being with someone who isn't batshit crazy.

But does he have to marry her?! So quickly, without any friends there, in a country where he doesn't even speak the language. And if neither of them can get visas to each other's countries, how will they ever be together?

Will the marriage even be legally recognised in the uk

Good point!!!

I know! I get the fantasy of it, but to me I would need much more than 4 individual weeks together in 3 years to actually fall in love. I fear he hasn't ever been loved by anyone before, not properly, so the first sniff of someone normal and he is head over heels. I would never say that to him, though. And I might be completely wrong!!! I hope I am!!!

Is she nice? Is she in love with him?
How long have they been a couple?

OP, this sounds like a disaster about to happen. I think in your shoes I would point out to him that none of his other friends agree with what he's doing, and ask him why he thinks this is. Also ask him if he's prepared to support her family financially, as this is often the case with marriages like this. Tell him if he really loves her, then their relationship will only get stronger with time, but marrying her at this stage would be a MASSIVE mistake, as in all truth he barely knows her.

I know that this sounds harsh, and that you don't want to lose his friendship, but what sort of friend would you be, if you don't tell him truthfully what you think?

Why wouldn't it be? Almost all foreign marriages are legally recognised in the UK, as long as they were legally performed under the laws of the country they occurred in, and don't go against UK laws, such as polygamous marriages.

OP, if he's going to inherit, why can't she get a visa?

I think you should quietly support your friend. You might (for example) not like his partner, or not think what he is doing is sensible etc etc but you are a friend not his mother and you don't have to agree with the way he chooses to live his life to be pals.

"Quietly support" in that you don't need to be getting out the party poppers just tell him that you are pleased he has found someone and you hope it works out.

You can't stop someone from taking risks or getting their heart broken in the future without stopping them living their life. Perhaps this marriage will not work out and your friend will be heartbroken or lose money - hopefully if that is the case you will still be around as a friend. Hopefully your pal would dust himself down and keep living his life.

He's taking a big risk but he is an adult and free to make his own choices. It doesn't sound like any intervention by you would make any difference.

Once they're married, will he be returning to the UK without her and trying to get her a visa or is he planning to stay in her home country? Does he have a clear plan? I would doubt the marriage is going to go the distance if they aren't able to live together for some time.

Based on experience, gently point out the red flags (remind him to protect inheritance just in case for example as someone else said) then let it drop and try to support him.

I gently pointed out to red flags to three good friends (well one is my daughter.) Two divorce/bad breakups followed, one has so far survived against all odds. I kept all three as friends, though my daughter didn't speak to me for a while.

Be prepared to pick up the pieces, but maybe they'll beat the odds.

I have no idea if she loves him. Presumably she does! I have never met her, nor has anyone else.

They have seen each other for a week once a year for the last 3 years, and had periods of speaking every day, then giving up, having other relationships, then seeing each other and starting back up again. Then he proposed to her and now they are getting married.

He wants her to come to the UK, but it sounded like they hadn't actually agreed that. The visa requires him to earn £29k or more and to prove he has been earning that for 6 months. He doesn't earn that and won't for the foreseeable, so it's unlikely she will get a visa. He won't get one for her country, it's not a safe place to be anyway.

You be supportive. Anything else and you will just drive him away. A good friend of mine met a man while travelling, fell in love, came back home and stayed in touch and married him after spending a total of probably 8 months actually together (with lots of breaks in between). They married, he eventually came to the UK after some visa-based faffing, did 3 months of “proper” marriage and now it is all over. An expensive, romantic mistake.

Would she have listened to anyone who told her it was a bit bonkers? Absolutely not - this would have just ruined the friendship. I was supportive then and I am supportive now - there’s nothing else to do.

I think you are right! He needs support and I don't think he will listen to my advice anyway. He hasn't asked for it!