Work colleague stonewalling me after years of closeness

[Tre23]

I was close with a male colleague for years—we had each other’s backs and spoke often. We’re both married, middle-aged, and work in a typical office environment. He would sometimes share very personal things with me, and while he had a hot/cold pattern, I let it go because he was always supportive at work.

He encouraged me for years to move to his department. I’ve finally done that (good career opportunity) and now he’s completely withdrawn. Doesn’t speak to me, ignores messages, but is friendly with everyone else. It feels like I’ve been erased.

Nothing ever crossed a line on my part, though at times his comments felt like they might. I’ve gently brought up the hot/cold dynamic before—he denied it.

I’m hurt and confused.
• Why would someone behave this way?
• Is this emotional immaturity?
• How do I stay professional when it feels personal?

Any insight appreciated.

He has had a realisation, perhaps with his wife, that your relationship was inappropriate and is distancing himself for the sake of his marriage.

I think you should respect this.
He shouldn't be sharing personal things eith female work colleagues.

You said he's always been hot/cold so it doesn't sound as though anything's changed?

It's just the way some people are.

Thank you for your views. I never encouraged him to share his deeply personal stuff with me. I felt he had nobody to talk to about it, and I had no ill intentions but to listen and be a friend. I never shared personal stuff with him.

Your turn to pull back. Stop your own interaction with him, which I'm sure will be painful, and just act like you don't really know him. Since he's drawn a line, you need to draw one even more firmly. I hope he's not managing you in the new department.

People do this sometimes, and you did say he has form for blowing hot and cold.

It sounds like a slightly odd relationship - you weren’t friends if he shared personal stuff and you didn’t.

Just focus on yourself and leave him be - do not open the door if he gets friendly again, it will melt your head.

Thank you. We’re both peers now, each managing large teams. It’s been a bit awkward—the shift is quite noticeable, going from being supportive colleagues to him now walking past and ignoring me

Did you just move to his department during one of his ‘cold’ spells? Just tell him his juvenile moods aren’t going to h@ck it for you now you work together more closely. Stay professional. Don’t let him play with your head.

I shared day-to-day work frustrations, but I didn’t feel I needed to share my childhood trauma with him as he did.

He probably liked over sharing with you when you weren’t in his space. He probably doesn’t want any colleagues to risk picking up on your relationship.

Personally I’d have avoided moving into an area with someone like this.

Also have a word with yourself. You shouldn’t be having a weird relationship with a work colleague and spending your free time thinking about it as you’re both married and it’s inappropriate. The fact it’s taking up your headspace demonstrates on some level, it is inappropriate.

This!

Agree with all of this.

He probably liked over sharing with you when you weren’t in his space. He probably doesn’t want any colleagues to risk picking up on your relationship.

I'm thinking they may already have heard gossip and that's why he's pulled back.

It may be that he felt safe talking about these things in the past but now that you're in the same department he no longer feels comfortable with how much he shared.

I voted YABU not because I dont support you or empathise, but because you say you’re hurt and confused, and you need to manage away those feelings to reset professional boundaries and discard him from your headspace. I understand that it’s great to have a peer you can discuss work frustrations with, but he’s not trustworthy in that he’s inconsistent and could betray a confidence. Don’t let his behaviour endanger your new role. And don’t bother trying to figure out why; close the book on him.

He trauma dumped/over shared with you and now you’re bringing his trauma and emotional incontinence into the room with you and he doesn’t like it. He has dodgy boundaries. His current childish crap is part of that. He’s angry because you’re too close now, even though he was always the one beckoning for closeness. He’s obviously a bit broken and essentially a total nightmare.

Detach, be cheerful and breezy, ignore, and lean into your real friendships.

We have been working on the same floor in adjacent departments for years. I am now only moving a few rows away from where I am sitting, so there is not much difference in terms of office/gossip visibility. I just needed a supportive work colleague - nothing more, but the drama around it is exhausting now. I emailed him about work the other day, but he refused to answer. It was strictly work-related.

Well if he's blowing colder than he used to there's obviously a reason for it.

So leave him be now.

If his refusal to answer emails causes work related problems, speak to his line manager as you might with any other colleague.

It might be worth your while (not mentioning him) but chatting to your line manager about who might mentor you or provide peer support in your new role. Find new allies, and keep on keeping it professional 💪🏼

Is it possible you are now both competitive for a promotion? In different business areas maybe you weren’t a threat but now he may think you are a more confident, capable candidate for an opportunity? People can be very weird about these things.

There is nothing like that. Neither of us would want the job above us, which would entail managing 10 teams and dealing with a ridiculous amount of admin. Plus , he was the one pushing me to move to his department for years!

You focus on the job you are paid to do, obsessing over them won't help just move on

I would suspect he's got a form for this.
Being the hero by encouraging you to take the new job, being vulnerable with you to make you feel special, him being a victim. Just when you think that he's a great person and you're enjoying the friendship/trust he abuses his new found power.
The aim might be to destroy you now you're in a higher power, have you thinking of him instead of you job, family etc and maybe even have you look like you've got an unhealthy obsession with him.
It's a game.

Do not engage and if he does start chatting, do not come back to the original cycle. Be polite always.

And whenever he turns the warm tap on again, be ready with the ‘oh, you know, busy busy’ or ‘great, thanks!’ or ‘no, all good, settled in.’ No harm being vigilant about the ignored emails if that becomes a pattern, which you manage up, not sideways.

100% this

If he’s playing games, I genuinely don’t understand what the end goal is. He shared a lot of deeply personal information—arguably inappropriately so—which isn’t really the kind of thing you’d want colleagues to know. In a way, he handed me a lot of personal “ammunition,” and then suddenly started stonewalling me. I was naive in thinking he was a good, trustworthy colleague and a friend. Unfortunately, the other peers—all men—seem disinterested even in being cordial, which makes it tough to engage with them on work matters, let alone anything else.

I think he's grossly overshared and is shitting himself. Maybe try and talk to him, ask him if there is any problem, and reassure him that you are still trustworthy. Or just leave it. Sounds like hes panicking.