To feel like I woke up and my life was shit

[MyHorseShadow]

Nearly 50
Dealt with years DH mental illness
DD really affected by the above
DS still very attached to DH
Years of DH not working as too mentally ill
Struggling. No holidays. No nothing
Good days. Get positive
Bad days. DH moods, just dull as well at times
But splitting up...just can't fathom it.

Anyway.. AIBU that I've been a mug to support this sulking depression riddled man baby for twenty five years.

Anyway.. AIBU that I've been a mug to support this sulking depression riddled man baby for twenty five years.

Yep!

What do you want the next 25 years to look like? Start there.

💐

That does sound a bit uninspiring. What are you going to do about it?

Ah OP that just sounds awful. I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband suffered from depression for a short period of time. Did everything he could to get better. I just could not imagine that existence for years. I think it’s time to put yourself first. Maybe telling him that you are not coping and want to leave will shake him into doing something. My mother had really bad mental health and I just couldn’t imagine spending my adult life as well as my childhood dealing with this.

There’s only so much you can do. I spent ages supporting a couple people with MH problems and putting them first and now I regret it. You can be supportive, sure, but never to the point where you erase yourself.

However, why can’t you imagine splitting up? If it’s because you still love him that’s a different story.

This sounds like my auntie. And the DP is so ungrateful. He's verbally, emotionally and financially abusive. She's the working bread winner and does everything around the house. She did all the child care (kids are adults now).

She's in her mid 60s now. Still miserable as sin. We've encouraged her for years to leave him, but she's got Stockholm Syndrome. So institutionalised by the years of that life she can't imagine being free from it and chooses to stay.

But in the meantime the family have to also put up with his acid tongue and her regularly coming to one of us in tears, staying over for a week while we counsel and console her... and then going straight back to him.

It's exhausting for the entire extended family as well.

You CAN leave him OP if you don't want the rest of your life dominated and made hell by this man. You deserve a life.

If you make no changes the next 25yrs will be the same. Your DC will probably thank you for it in the end.

I was there five years ago. Ex DP did work, but his MH was such that our entire home lives revolved around it. I couldn't fathom leaving but then COVID hit and it took over everything.

Five years on he lives in his own place, I support him where I can but no more than I want to. He is still very ill but still working, and the children and I have our lives back. It is possible, life can be so much better...

OP I am a little younger than you, my life used to revolve around my exH’s moods. Walking on eggshells, not knowing what version of him I was going to get that day. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. I now live alone and oh my god, it’s so peaceful and liberating

I was in a very similar situation. Married for 20 years to exDH who had mental illness ever since I met him. We had very few holidays (which were all ruined by exDH's mental health), not allowed to have friends/ family over or maintain the house and garden as it caused too much stress. I was endlessly treading on eggshells and in a state of constant anxiety. ExDH didn't work for the last few years, so was constantly at home and never went out. He had many outbursts of anger. I became extremely depressed myself living in that situation.

I couldn't fathom splitting up either. We have dc with special needs and I didn't think it would be possible financially. I was stuck in a desperate limbo for a very long time.

But I did it! Now been separated for over a year. I feel a massive sense of relief and freedom. There was a grieving process of what could have been and I still have difficult days but I am so glad for me and the dc that he and I are now separated. I just couldn't live the rest of my life like that - it was like a prison sentence.

I know just how hard it is to imagine splitting up, but it can be done if you don't want to live the rest of your life like this.

Thank you for the replies I've read them all this morning. I feel less alone in the mess I created. I do feel like I'm conditioned, afraid to make a change. But I'm going to book some therapy and focus on my mental health. I want to make the most of life now, on my own if that's the path to feeling better. I'm exhausted and need change.

@MyHorseShadow not quite the same, but last year I had counselling because I just felt completely in shambles, like I had nothing left to give. It mostly concerned my DD as a single parent but also my bf going through a massive MH episode + I’ve been a long term informal carer to my DM who has schizophrenia and can be a handful at the best of times.

My biggest takeaway from counselling you that you have to make time for yourself no matter what you think everyone else needs. It’s not selfish, the world won’t end, nothing will happen to your DH.

A while back I recognised that there was this tendency in me to try to fix things. What I recognised was actually this tendency in me actually made people who I was supporting worse. It actually fed their issues instead of giving them responsibility for fixing themselves.

There does come a time when you have to step away if someone won’t take that responsibility imho.

Every new day that you wake up is a new chance to change your whole life. It is NEVER too late to start creating the life that you want.

It won’t happen all at once but the journey will be just as exciting as the end result.

Start writing about what you want from life, even down to the silly small stuff like buying the most expensive bread at the supermarket!

Once you start treating yourself like the main character in your story things will start to feel so much better bit by bit.

You shouldn’t feel stuck in a relationship because your husband has mental health issues, that’s unfair on you and your children.

You will probably see how much happier everyone in the situation is once you’re not together, especially your children.

Yes.. time to start a new life just for you

If they are doing everything actively possible to help themselves; getting therapy, taking medication, exercising etc then I think support is a good thing.

If they are sitting back and letting you bear the brunt of everything without even attempting to get help or appreciating how hard life is for you - then I think leaving should be on your radar.

People can't help having poor mental health. However, they can do everything in their power to make their, and everyone else's, lives easier.

I feel less alone in the mess I created. ..... but did you create it? Or did you have misfortune to have a partner who became mentally ill.

My late OH was always slightly anxious and mildly obsessional, but as the years went by he became worse. He had to leave his partnership in a professional practice at the age of 42 as it was clear he could not handle the stress and would have gone under. He did a bit of freelance after that.

This involved - selling our house and downsizing with all the upheaval for the children, me upping my work hours, forfeiting the pension he would have had (I am feeling that now), me taking on all the load of the family - although he still did the garden and stuff like that, and us all having to deal with the limitations that his anxiety placed on us - every holiday was a battle, every idea of going to cinema or whatever involved hours of negotiation and dealing with his anxiety. It was a lifelong battle. The energy required to counteract his constant anxiety and low mood and try and prevent it impinging too much on the chidden was vast .... as well as working and caring for everyone .......

Did I create this situation? - did I do anything wrong? I don't think so. I did my best under difficult circumstances and my reward is happy settled AC.

My only huge regret is that I was not firmer about him seeking treatment. I forced that on him once and for 2 years it was like living with a new man - but he made the choice to stop and there was little I could do about it.

Sending fellow feeling your way.

I gave up with supporting an old friend with depression and anxiety.
Nothing worked because they didn't want to help themselve. After a year i had enough l had a life to get on with.
So i faded out.
I have anxiety and mh but i got help took help and worked on myself.

You need to leave this situation.
Not being able to fathom leaving is a symptom of have driven down you have been - you are probably feeling incredibly low, but in this situation it is self-defeating to give in to those feelings.

Choose a day and decide that is going to be the first day of the rest of your life and get planning!
A new, much happier existence awaits. Go and grab it.

That sounds like a great place to start. Very best wishes with it all. Centre yourself. You have lots of life to discover.

It’s not too late, it really isn’t.