I'm going to write this as objectively as possible to get the most helpful responses.
The father of my child and I have been together for nearly seven years. Since having our child, our relationship has been turbulent, reaching its worst point around September/October last year. For a long time, we’ve gone through cycles - some days (or weeks) we barely speak, walking around like strangers, and other days, we’re madly in love. Very unsustainable, I know. It wasn't always like this, trust me. I love this man to death.
However, by last fall, I had reached my limit. I was overwhelmed - juggling work overtime, long daily commutes with our son (who is a toddler may I add), very little sleep, and constant relationship issues. I didn’t feel the environment was healthy for any of us, so I ended things. The breakup wasn’t calm or amicable, it was messy.
At the same time, he was dealing with a serious health crisis, including severe skin issues. He later told me it was so bad he legitimately thought he was going to die. He was hospitalized during this period. None of this really registered at the time and I did not check in on him. From my perspective, I was in survival mode - mentally and emotionally drained, trying to figure out my life after our family fell apart.
About two months after the breakup, while we were still living together (but not speaking), I kissed a coworker. It wasn’t a drunken mistake - it happened during a conversation about childhood trauma, and for the first time in a long time, I felt seen. It was one kiss, and we both quickly realized that pursuing anything further wasn’t right - not just because of bad timing but because we genuinely aren't a good match. He's a lovely guy and we are friendly around each other, nothing more. He has been seeing women since then so I know he's not into me, I don't get that vibe at all at least.
My ex found out and was devastated. I understand why - if the roles were reversed, I’d be heartbroken too. But I was honestly shocked at his reaction because, from the way he had verbalised himself in arguments, I believed he wanted nothing to do with me. Apparently, he also did not see it as a real break-up as it was similar in nature to the many we've had in the past. I personally disagree with this as we literally did not speak and barely looked at each other for so many weeks.
Eventually, we decided to give our relationship another chance, but he can’t move past this:
1. How I could do so only two months after our six-and-a-half-year relationship ended with kids involved
2. That I abandoned him during the worst period of his life when, in his words, even strangers would have done more for him than I did
3. That no man would be okay with the mother of their child doing this, and his perception of me has changed completely
Important side note: During our reconciliation, my coworker sent me two completely benign DMs over the Christmas holidays. Before getting back with my ex, we used to text, so this wasn’t unusual. The messages were along the lines of "Hope you have a great time in [destination]" (he knew I was traveling home) and "Happy New Year!" I didn’t respond and deleted them - not because I had anything to hide, but because I didn’t want my partner to see his name and assume there was something more going on as I knew it was a sensitive topic. At the time, I was just so happy to be back with my ex and fully focused on our relationship and didn't want anything to mess it up. Later, I told him about the messages, thinking nothing of it. In hindsight, deleting them was a massive fuck-up - it made it look like I was hiding something. Now, he says he can never trust me again because of this. I deeply regret it because if I had just left the messages alone, he would have seen how insignificant they really were. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one.
Overall, from my perspective, I definitely understand his pain, but at the same time, I truly felt abandoned myself during the breakup. I believed he didn’t care about me, so I emotionally detached to protect myself and my son, something I'm quite an an expert at due to childhood trauma. Now, I feel like he’s only considering his own pain and not mine, which doesn’t seem fair. But maybe I'm wrong.
So, genuiely so so so curious.... AIBU??
YABU – You should have been more understanding of his situation, especially considering his health crisis! Even if the breakup was necessary, not checking in on him and kissing someone else 2 months afterward is unforgivable. It may have felt like survival mode for you, but this is betrayal.
YANBU – I understand where he’s coming from, but you were also struggling and felt emotionally detached from the relationship long before the breakup. You didn’t intentionally set out to hurt him, and at the time, you truly believed he wanted nothing to do with you. Healing from a toxic cycle isn’t linear, and feeling seen after years of emotional distance is understandable.