To think people avoid others going through hard times because they don’t know what to say?

[SnugShaker]

I’ve noticed that when someone is grieving, struggling, or going through a tough time, a lot of people just disappear. They don’t mean to be cruel, but they don’t know what to say, so they stay away. But isn’t that exactly when people need support the most?

Absolutely. Not helped by the regular “awful things people said to me when my husband died/I had cancer etc” discussions on social media.

I am feeling this right now. I’m in the middle of a whole pile of toughness and it means so much just to get a “I don’t know what to say, but I hope today is ok” / “how is x” / or even just an emoji. I know people are thinking about me and want to help. this alone helps (me) a lot (although I’m sure some people find emojis thoughtless).

I’ve got a few friends who I’ve not bothered to share details with, and they’ve not asked, so maybe I shouldn’t expect more from them.

When friends are going through their tough times, I’m generally in the “you don’t need to reply, but I’m sending this reminder I’m here when you need me” messaging camp. That said, I’ve got a friend going through some absolute sh*t right now and I just don’t have the brain power to support her. I feel bad for it.

I would think it’s more to do either assuming they need or want space.

I do really struggle with what to say. I listen, but can't give advice. Outside of losing a child, life goes the way it does and you've got to get on with it. My DP has just had major surgery for bowel/colon cancer and needs more. I'm having to avoid friends who seem to want to wallow in how I should be feeling. I do tell people to try to find joy or to be kind to themselves, but I'm more of practical use (I'd happily shop, clean their house, walk the dog), than emotional support. So if they didn't need practical support, I don't think I'm the best person for them.

I am more of a practical helper too although always happy to offer a listening ear too but yes people do struggle knowing what ti say

My friend lost a lot of friends when she was unwell. Just awful. Say anything. You can’t make it worse than what they’re going through!

@Ponoka7listening is a lot of the time exactly what people need. No need for advice unless people ask. You’re likely better at support than you think

I had friends avoiding me in the street when I got divorced. They are ex-friends. And I had another really close friend say one weekend when the DC were at their dad's: "we didn't invite you round today because we didn't want you to feel like we were doing it out of charity". I think the phrase is "wow, just wow". They are also an ex-friend.

So YA definitely NBU.

In general, yes, but I'm one of the people who will show up and be there if you're going through a hard time. You can usually work out quickly if someone wants space or doesn't need your support, but I'd rather take the risk.

Did she also gain some though? I lost a lot of friends when I lost someone close to me because I decided they were 'friends' and not worth the effort. I also gained friends who showed up and proved their value.

Yeah I think this is often true, people don't know what to say, or are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or are worried the person would rather they don't say anything.

The end result is they avoid a situation they don't know how to navigate.

I think the reduction of more formal etiquette has made some of these things more difficult. You are supposed to be natural and authentic and be able to intuit if people want help or space or a listening ear. But those things are actually difficult for a lot of people, it really helps to have socially accepted phrases and ways in which they can express support and sympathy, and those things open the way to more personal interactions.

Going through this too, lots show up initially if you're having a tough time, (separation, leaving marital home, setting up new home alone) then just disappear never to show up again! It certainly shows who's actually there for you when the proverbial hits the fan. It's nice to be checked in on or pop round/ring up, whether it's separation or health issues, and listened to. Otherwise you just feel very alone when you need support. Luckily I have a couple of lovely people who check in on me now, I'm so grateful.

It is cruel and immature.
all most people suffering need is someone to listen or just to say I am so sorry I will be thinking of you or ‘I don’t know what to say, just accept my best thoughts’.
They don’t want a psychologist.