To not want DC seeing their uncle?

[promarose]

So BIL had his daughter removed from and his then partner 12 years ago by SS as soon as she was born.

Custody was granted to BIL’s parents but they allowed BIL and the mother to visit despite the restrictions imposed.
The daughter was subsequently adopted as a baby.

None of it really makes sense, like why couldn’t BIL gain custody? He was 27 and already had 2 near teen’s from a previous relationship?

I think it must of been something really bad.
DH is very tight lipped about the whole situation.

Anyway I have seen some alarming posts about BIL on social media by various people, saying some pretty shocking things about him involving young women which I don’t really want to say due to being outed.

Its not just one individual, it’s several people who don’t even know each other saying the same thing.

I have told DH I don’t want him near the children.
His oldest sons are early 20s now and they are involved in gangs, doing drugs, knife crime etc and I definitely don’t want my son exposed to any of that or influenced by that kind of thing.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable and refuses to see my point of view.

AIBU?

Your DH sounds touched in the head. I would not want my sons around those kinds of influences either.

Is he asking to visit? Does your DH want him to visit?

I wouldn't allow my kids to have unsupervised contact if I had concerns but it's unclear exactly why you don't want him to have any contact - do you think he might be dangerous?

Why does he think you are unreasonable??

Yanbu and your h is being very unreasonable not telling you the truth. His silence speaks volumes and makes the situation sound even worse.

If there’s nothing about BIL online, I’d be trying to get some answers from social services or the police.Even if you don’t get details now, if you ever split, get advice from the police or social services. You won’t want to be on social services radar for not safeguarding your kids from a problem that you didn’t know about.

Go to the police and ask for their advice.

You are 100% not being unreasonable and your “DH” is way out of line for not giving you all the information on the subject.

@promarose

Ages ago we went to visit some of DH's cousins he hadn't seen since he was a preteen as DH wanted to 'reconnect' with them. The whole time we were there they (and their children) bragged about illegal 'doings' and who had the most felonies (I kid you not!). Luckily our older son didn't accompany us and our younger was too young to really 'get it'. When it was done and we were on our way home, DH and I agreed that we would never allow either of our sons within 500 miles of them.

FWIW we got a phone call from one of them within a couple of days asking to 'borrow' money to bail his kid out of jail and another call from another one asking to 'borrow' money for a paternity test. Nope. We dropped all contact with them after that.

YANBU. Stick to your guns. Especially as DH is cagey about this guy's 'history'.

Husband is very close to his brother and his nephews and is usually he is the first to call people out on their bad behaviour but these three get a pass because they are his family.

Husband wants to take DC to his house etc (without me) but I am not keen on the idea.

One of the nephews randomly stabbed someone high on drugs and I am supposed to comfortable with having my DC around people like that but because he is family I am supposed to be OK with it all.

I will contact the police to see if they are able to help me as I know it’s must be something bad for his daughter to be adopted and taken away from both parents.

@promarose

This is where you're on the horns of a dilemma. You and DH are 'equal parents'. There is nothing to stop him taking your (mutual) child to his brother's unless you want to create a huge 'scene' or preemptively take DC out of the house before he can. If either of those would even work.

So it remains to decide whether you think it's better to create a scene and hope he changes his mind, scuttle off with DC whenever he wants to take him, or accompany him (and sit there and scowl, I would) so at least you're on the spot to leave with DC if things start to go tits up.